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For those who turned a blind eye to DP's longing for another woman....

(49 Posts)
hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 19:33:46

Find myself in a situation where I think my DP may have significant interest in another woman, but doesn't actually want to leave me for her.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What happened ultimately?

Confused as to what to do next sad

SickInBedOnTwoChairs Tue 16-Aug-16 19:38:01

What makes you think this hana ?

Funko Tue 16-Aug-16 19:40:33

Make the decision for him and show him the door?

I know it's the simplest of statements from a stranger on the internet but what's the alternative?

Playing pick me?
Having your self confidence eroded away?
Losing yourself, your self respect?
Always wondering, getting paranoid?
Watching everything?
Questioning everything?
Making it bloody easy for him to have his cake and eat it?

FellOutOfBed2wice Tue 16-Aug-16 19:40:59

Not me, but a couple known to me- sister of a friend. He made it very clear and had an affair. He eventually left his wife and then ended up coming back. They're still together now but their relationship has never recovered. Not a nice situation for anyone. I think part of the issue was that he was pretty blatant and the wife stuck her head in the sand and it went much further than it should have before she reacted.

Why do you think this of your DP, OP?

hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 19:44:17

Unbeknown to my DP, I know he had an EA with another woman (whom I know), at some point during the first 3yrs of our relationship. 2 years on, we run into same OW and he can't seem to take his eyes off her.

hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 19:47:56

hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 19:49:38

Just a bit confused as to what to do. The confusion is because we are both so happy in the relationship. He constantly tells me that he is so happy to have found me and vice versa.

Do happy people do things like this?

MiddleClassProblem Tue 16-Aug-16 19:55:27

Maybe bump your other thread rather than starting a new one as it has more info on it

ohdearme1958 Tue 16-Aug-16 19:58:57

Is that 'happy because you're maintaining the status quo'?

hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 20:02:22

I was going to bump the other thread, but then I decided what I really need is to hear other people's experiences, so started a new thread.

I am genuinely in love. He is an amazing man. Different to my other relationships and it took me a while to understand him, but he is a gentle soul. A quiet thoughtful and sensitive man.

Waltermittythesequel Tue 16-Aug-16 20:02:32

You don't sound very happy...

Waltermittythesequel Tue 16-Aug-16 20:03:24

A quiet thoughtful and sensitive man.

Who had an emotional affair and whom you suspect is in love with someone else.

You deserve more than that.

RaRaRamona Tue 16-Aug-16 20:09:53

OP, why have you never confronted him about his EA?
You sound a bit passive, sorry to say.

hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 20:11:15

Well yes, recently I have been dealing with the idea that my DP possibly has his eyes on someone else. I can forgive an EA, my problem is that after all this time, why is it not out of his mind? Seeing her shouldn't trigger any sort of reaction if he was truly over it.

hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 20:21:24

I never confronted him because when I initially found out I was supporting my family through a life changing court case and I could not let him/us interfere. By the time the case was over, significant time had passed and we were ok....till now of course....

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 16-Aug-16 20:26:05

I think it's more than just an affair that he'll get over. It sounds like he has deep feelings for her.

He might be happy with you; but that will always be caveated by his intimate feelings towards another one. For now, he is happy with you. Whether that will last, no one can say. It would be very unlikely to last if she showed him some interest, one suspects.

Or he could just be telling you he's very happy to throw you off the scent. This sounds more likely. It's lying but it's not quite as deceptive as the above.

Is leaving him an option? You don't sound like you believe you deserve better than this.

hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 20:34:15

I don't want to leave him. He broke off the EA it seems, so at least he came to his senses.

I know I deserve better, call me foolish, but I feel like his head wants to make this relationship work but in his heart he is torn between OW and I.

Maybe I need to give him space to make that decision..

FelicityGubbins Tue 16-Aug-16 20:38:37

Maybe that letting him know that you know about her and his past EA and current reinfatuation with her might be enough of a reality check to snap him out of it. As it stands he has nothing to lose so he is free to indulge as much as he likes..

hanahollie Tue 16-Aug-16 20:41:16

I thought about letting him know. Then I thought actually, I want him to decide. I don't want to pressure him to choose. I can't be with someone that is only with me because I fought for it.

MatildaOfTuscany Tue 16-Aug-16 20:42:11

I am genuinely in love.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about "what advice would you give to your younger self?" Top of my list would be dinning into my younger self (by sitting on her head, if necessary) that how you feel about him is not enough. It does not matter one jot if you love him beyond all reason. Relationships only ever work with mutual love, respect and friendship. Anything that falls short of this, walk, regardless of how much you love him. (And beware mistaking desperation for love).

FellOutOfBed2wice Tue 16-Aug-16 21:06:57

Amen to that Matilda. I could have saved myself a lot of hassle as a younger woman if I had just realised that my love alone, to shamelessly quote The Manic Street Preachers, was not enough.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 16-Aug-16 21:37:19

I don't see how you can win here. You have him at the moment, but you don't know if that's just him biding his time or if he wants to be with you, and you know that it's more likely to be the first because he had an EA.

You can tell him you know and make him choose but then you've made him make a decision. It sounds like if he chose her, you'd then blame yourself for making him choose. Or you can not tell him you know and be very attentive, until you work out if he restarts the EA or he makes a decision on his own. He might not, though, and you might drive yourself mad checking up on him.

Given that you can't make him choose you, and you don't want to lose him, I can't see a way that you win. Maybe turning a blind eye and genuinely not thinking about it/checking up on him/caring is the way forward. It makes it easier for him to stay, you won't know if he's having an EA, you don't risk losing him unless he decides to leave of his own accord.

He's an arsehole for creating this situation in the first place. I hope you find a way that makes you happy.

mazzyo Tue 16-Aug-16 21:41:04

I'm in a similar position, head in the sand/laying down rules but not neither he or I sticking to them/even got to Relate this time last year. He had a pretty intense EA with work colleague for two years - found out last summer, and demanded he change jobs and if there had to be contact for work reasons that he must tell me about it. Just found out he's been seeing her all along. Found out because of parking tickets - what a cliche. Anyway, my only reason to let it slide AGAIN are two children. WTF do I do? How do I finish this without breaking their hearts?

Jermajesty Tue 16-Aug-16 22:00:00

Today 20:41 hanahollie

"I thought about letting him know. Then I thought actually, I want him to decide. I don't want to pressure him to choose. I can't be with someone that is only with me because I fought for it."

Why are you being so passive about this? Why aren't you deciding what you want?

MatrixReloaded Wed 17-Aug-16 03:28:41

A past affair ALWAYS has the potential to start up again,and unfortunately if he's secretly meeting up with her it sounds like it's going that way.

You have made a grave error by never discussing his affair. Apart from there being no consequences he hasn't changed the things that caused him to cheat in the first place (his cheating has nothing to do with you).

You say you are happy and in love yet when you needed support at what sounds like a very difficult time he was cheating on you. That's unforgivable. It sounds like your relationship really lacks any sort of communication and honesty. You are also being deceptive in your own way.

I think you have two choices here Op. Have the conversation and insist the affair is addressed, or end it.

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