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Is it fair to refuse contact for this reason alone?

(30 Posts)
Amie197918 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:22:20

I have a 6 month old son by my ex partner. We where together very briefly (about a month) then we broke up as he moved to America for a temp job, I then found out I was pregnant.

He's seen my son once when he came back to visit his mum but he's never really been interested. He will call occasionally but about it really. He has now told me he is moving home next month and has been doing some thinking and really wants to be an active part in his sons life and try his hardest.

When he was last in the uk he came over to see his son then we had dinner and chatted (didn't have sex there's no feelings in that respect) he was telling me really disgusting things about how he had just found out he had clamidia and said that he once slept with 4 girls on the same day with out washing in between! He then pulled out his phone and tried to show me two videos of girls naked in his room!! He also told me how he was "surprised" I got pregnant as he goes unprotected with loads of other girls and has never got any pregnant!!!

It's just really disgusted me and I don't want my son having that attitude. I have said to him and he thinks I'm making a big deal out of it and that his sex life doesn't effect how good of a father he can be

Littlepeople12345 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:31:32

He sounds grim. But no, the right thing would be to not deny your DS contact with his dad. If he went to court they would allow contact.

category12 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:34:00

Well, if he goes after contact legally, I don't think you would be able to stop him on that basis. And being a womaniser and jerk, doesn't mean he can't be a good father. I don't know whether he would stick at it, of course. He might lose interest.

I would definitely keep it in mind regarding cosy meals and chats that don't lead to sex. And make sure those definitely don't lead to sex.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Tue 16-Aug-16 16:34:10

He is right. It doesn't make him a very good boyfriend/partner/lover but it has no bearing on his being a father at all.

How would you explain to your son in future that you didn't allow him to see his dad because you didn't approve of his sex life?

WellErrr Tue 16-Aug-16 16:34:54


It's not a reason to deny contact but he sounds like an absolute cretin.

JenLindley Tue 16-Aug-16 16:37:32

Oh FGS! No it isn't, you're being ridiculous. Should your son not be around you because you had unprotected sex too?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 16-Aug-16 16:39:06

End any meetings abruptly when he starts bragging about his virility. You just don't want to know/talk about it. That is just rude, what a bore (boar too).

He may seek court ordered access. But until then you can be as difficult as you want with arranging meet ups. He doesn't sound all that mature so he may not bother. Just curious: did you put him on the birth certificate or give your baby his last name?

skatesection Tue 16-Aug-16 16:39:32

Yuck. I know this is personal, but you've been checked out for STIs, right? He's bragging about being a vector for disease, that's not a good sign.

Anyway, to answer your question, I think you need to allow/encourage contact. He's gross but that's not a reason for them not to have a relationship.

Amie197918 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:41:35

Yes I've been checked I'm fine he said a girl he was seeing told him she had it and that he must have given it to her, and in his words "she knows I've cheated as I gave it to her" he brags about how he sleeps with multiple women and plays them etc

I just don't want my son to have this more mentality nor do I want him to do any of this around my son if he was to stay over

DrMorbius Tue 16-Aug-16 16:43:20

You both sound like a pair of clowns. I despair for the DC. Great role models.
No doubt this wont be your last post on here.

DearMrDilkington Tue 16-Aug-16 16:43:56

Are you sure he wasn't fibbing a bit to try and make you 'jealous'? Seems strange for him to want to have dinner and a chat with you if he likes hooking up so much? I'd guess he still likes you and wanted to see your reaction. Very odd way to do it though

DearMrDilkington Tue 16-Aug-16 16:44:48

What do you mean if he was to stay over? Your son stay with him or him to stay with you?

JenLindley Tue 16-Aug-16 16:44:57

Well he'll not be having your son staying over straight away will he? He'll have to build up contact starting with short sessions with you present so your son gets to know him and then a few hours away from you, then a whole day, then overnights. It'll take months during which time you will get to know how your ex is behaving around your son and who knows, maybe your ex will decide parenting is too much hard work and disappear again.

WorryingExperience Tue 16-Aug-16 16:46:51

I don't agree with the others.

You barely know the guy, he's bragging about banging multiple girls, carrying SID's, trying to show you videos of him 'in action' - none of that is screaming 'mature adult' to me. Not so much the sex etc, but the way he's pushing it all on you.

He's shown very little interest in your DS.

I wouldn't encourage him at all (no meals etc) but I wouldn't stop him visiting, but unsupervised contact. Nope.

MeMySonandl Tue 16-Aug-16 16:47:51

I think that both your son's and your life would be much easier if you don't have such wanker raining on your parade.

Unprotected sex, it happens, showing no interest for his son and trying to show you photos of naked girls in his room after he told you he has claudia? He is a bloody idiot and not one who could be a good role model in your child's life.

Do not block contact but don't push it either. I can assure you he will fizzle out of your lives much sooner than you expect.

People will try to make you feel guilty because every child and parent should have a right to keep in contact, but if keeping people happy will mean that you have to put your son forward to have his heart broken regularly, every time his dad turns his back on him and forgets about his existence, it is not right for anyone.

Let him organise the contact, if he is really interested he will, but don't think you need to do that yourself. If he wants a relationship with his son, he is the one who has to build it.

MeMySonandl Tue 16-Aug-16 16:50:58

Clamidia, not Claudia, obviously my spellchecker doesn't know about these things grin

MeMySonandl Tue 16-Aug-16 16:53:33

And don't worry about over night contact at this time, your son is still too young for it to be considered as his dad has not been involved at all yet.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 16-Aug-16 16:59:08

I think you are overthinking this.

So he really wants to be an active part in his sons life and try his hardest. and he says *I'm making a big deal out of it and that his sex life doesn't effect how good of a father he can be

I'd just say "OK, please let me know how you would like to be part of your sons life. What's your plan? What's your ideal scenario?" Do none of the leg work for him. Let him come to you with proposals. I bet he gives up very quickly when he realises it will involve inconvenience and hard work.

FurkinA Tue 16-Aug-16 18:24:05

Do you want his views of women passed on? The fact that he hasn't bothered till now would make me say fuck him

JenLindley Tue 16-Aug-16 18:33:40

Do you want his views of women passed on?

Which would be a good question to ask before she had chosen him to be her child's other parent. As it happens she has already made that decision and this is the man she chose so she's stuck with him. No doubt OP has behaviours he mightn't want passed on to his child either but he is stuck with her as the mother. All they can both do is ensure those behaviours aren't endangering the child.

Look OP leave it up to him. If he gets in touch and says she wants to see the child say "fine" them wait for him to offer a time, a place, etc. Dont do it for him. It's his responsibility to maintain his own relationship with his child, if he wants to he will. You shouldn't obstruct it for the reason you've given. He could be a fantastic father and realise all his shitty attitudes and behaviours are immature and grow up sharpish. Or not. But your son is entitled to a chance at a father.

Cabrinha Tue 16-Aug-16 18:34:33

Are you a bad mother to your son because you had sex with a man you had barely met and didn't know at all, and didn't bother using a condom?

I'd have a good think about that before you decide he can't be a father hmm

What on earth were you doing having sex with a near stranger without a condom?

His attitude is horrible though. I wouldn't withhold access (you can't legally and you shouldn't morally) but I'd let him make all the running.

FWIW my ex husband has a disgraceful attitude to women and sex - he buys prostitutes. But he doesn't mention that to our child.

Cabrinha Tue 16-Aug-16 18:35:55

And he's not your "ex partner".

MeMySonandl Tue 16-Aug-16 20:32:48

Good on you ,Cabrinha, you are such a much better person hmm

Do you have boys? If so, do you think your ex will take his children to see prostitutes once they come of age? It won't be unheard of among users, but I bet he will swear your kids into secrecy.

Cabrinha Tue 16-Aug-16 20:53:05

I don't have boys.
I can't guarantee that if we did, he wouldn't take them when they're older - I think it was his shitty scummy older brother who first took him, actually.

Frankly, I'd prefer the cunt dropped dead (notwithstanding how upset our child would be) but I can't see a court deciding he couldn't have access because he was a prostitute user.

I did say I wouldn't suggest the OP makes the running.

I don't think I'm a much better person than the OP.

But I think it's a bit rich of the OP to think this man is unsuitable because he has lots of unprotected sex - when she didn't exactly hold back herself hmm

I have no issue with women or men having as much sex as they like. But FFS, grow up and where a condom when you're shagging men you barely know.

Cabrinha Tue 16-Aug-16 20:53:15


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