Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Bullying of Son by Ex's New Chap(108 Posts)
Hello from a dad !
Don't know where to start !!!
I have two children, eldest (11) lives with me after court order in 2012 as has various special needs. Youngest (6) lives with their mom as per same court order.
Children are "swapped" over every weekend for 24 hours so parent can spend time with other child, in school holidays has been for 48 hours.
Mom and I find it hard to spend time together yet we were an item as such. Mom doesn't drive, I have to so the above can work.
First Wednesday in August I am one hour from taking eldest away for a holiday (to help eldest get through the school summer holiday which had been a struggle previously) when youngest son Skyped to say they (Mommy and youngest) had stopped at Mommys new boyfriends overnight. Numb and shock wasn't the word.
In the week prior to this and week after youngest was not quite right, I put it down initially to tiredness. In the week after "the announcement" youngest didn't phone as much as Mom was not phoning eldest - no reason given. Mom knows eldest needs routine and waits on her call at the same time every day.
Two days after the bad news I was contacted to say this new bloke was a bully who uses mental abuse. I took it with a pinch of salt at first. However a FB friend who doesn't live far from him saw them together and contacted me, not only confirming the same but saying what his reputation is and what he does. She also put me in touch with two other people (one a happily married lady and the other a bank manager ! They said exactly the same and recalled stories of seeing this man and what he can do). This man is nine years younger than my now ex, doesn't work and has a heck of a temper.
My concern is for my youngest. On one phone call they did make youngest was very upset, ex said because wanted to play, at which point youngest shouted No, it's because I want to be with Daddy. The few phone calls since have been very unlike youngest.When I have taken eldest away before youngest was never like this.
I have tried to pre warn ex as to what I was told. I knew she may say I was being jealous yet it was more everyone else is lying.
I'm not back until next week with eldest. This morning I was told in no uncertain terms by an ex work colleague of this bloke to let my kids nowhere near him as he is a clever bully who mentally abuses women and children as a relationship develops.
Other thing is my ex has a history of mental illness and could be classed as vulnerable.
My head and history says the relationship will blow over (mate reckons it is a mid life crisis summer fling as I'm away but I'm not confident re this for various reasons).
However my prime concern is for my youngest who is more withdrawn, tearful etc already. I think he is now vulnerable too and would rather be proactive than reactive.
What can/ should I do ? I feel helpless for him
I his history is so well known by so many people it might be worth approaching the police.
Isn't there a 'Clare's Law' thing - like Sarah's law but not just re. Paedophiles.
I honestly don't know, never been in this situation before. I'm really worried for my youngest
I just googled Clare's Law
There's a lunk to a daily Telegraph article looks good - step by step what to do
I tried linking. But can't work it out on my phone.
With him having such a public past - the police might know him and agree he's a risk
Can you go back to court and try to get a new court order for the youngest to live with you? You might need your friends who know this person to sign affidavits and I don't know if the court will take it seriously or just throw it out, but that's what I would want to do if it was my child needing protecting.
Get your kids and take them home. Tell your ex what you've heard, what you think, that you're calling the authorities and that unless she sorts it out and gets rid of the fella then the only time she'll see the kids is when he's not there, or you're there supervise.
Under no circumstances let him do any damage before you act, it's awful to take a child away form, or reduce their time with either parent, but if you think there's genuine danger then it might be you're only option.
Also, be there for you ex if you can. She might accuse you of jealousy, but she'll need someone to talk to if he does turn nasty.
I am afraid i agree with dadman, if you honestly think that your child is in danger, remove him and sort it out afterwards.
As others have suggested you need to contact your local police station or ring 101. Claires law has been set up to make people aware of people that have a violent history. You need to do it today.
My one big problem, and it's not an excuse as I gave up everything to care for my eldest, is my eldest cannot cope around others due to his needs. Does anyone know if drug convictions would show up on this Clares Law?
I feel I don't have enough evidence as yet too.
One option I'm considering re contact is a Sunday only in the short term when I know ex's dad will be there and I'd trust him. Not sure either of us can afford court either, sure we can't claim legal aid now
Maybe you don't need evidence, if the police already know him and deem him to be a risk.No harm in a chat with them.
I would speak to the police and voice your concerns. And def phone ss andd have concerns logged.
I appreciate what you're saying and i know it's hard to make decisions when you're in the middle of a situation like this, but what's worse, your eldest having to handle something new or your son having to put up with abuse? The lesser of two evils is the former in this case.
Do you know the abusive guy's full name, address, social media and the likes?
I know his address. I've emailed my local police re this. I feel numb re what the ex has done yet my youngest has gone from a happy soul to an upset boy in a matter of weeks.
Right. Best you act now mate. I don't mean to challenge your manliness, but are you scared of this guy? I mean, is he 'hard'?
Acting aside, I sincerely hope you're okay, I've spent some time worrying about one of my kids and it's not nice. If you need any support or just need to rant then feel free to give me a shout - I feel for you!
Never met him as yet, apparently he threatens folks when challenged which is fine by me, I'm thick skinned !
The way the ex has run off to him without any consideration for our sons is a worry, she'd never done this before. She is vulnerable due to her pas but this time I just sense she's thinking only of herself.
Anyway, youngest was due to phone me an hour ago as per normal. Nothing. I know there's not much I can do in the short term yet one of the warnings I got was this bloke would stop youngest phone calls and then say it was my fault. Next stage is apparently bullying the young one
My big concern is if nothing shows up via the police yet I have everyone saying what he is like
From what you've said this man is already bullying your boy. Fight for your son, and now. Your ex sounds like a failure of a parent
Thanks. I agree re the ex for a few reasons yet a social worker has said there is little I can do at the minute which I do not agree with whatever, felt like it was too much work for them I think!
Not normally !
As stated in original post on holiday now
I don't think it's cos of your holiday location - it's because you used mom/mommy which aren't that common in the UK. (I know some regions use it though)
Clare's Law won't necessary help re drug convictions. What happens is a police officer will review the person's record and give their opinion on whether they are a threat to the vulnerable person that you are applying about. So a conviction for assault, they might share - but drug convictions as long as your arm they might not, as it's not necessarily directly a threat. You don't get shown the person's record - the police decide year should be made known to you.
Why do so many people have such detailed knowledge of how this man operates? I think you need to get those people to speak to Social Services with you. Maybe phone NSPCC for advice.
Be careful to focus on the real issues though. Your "numb and shock" and "the announcement" just about your child staying at his mother's boyfriend's house made me think you were totally OTT. Then I read on, and I see your concerns. But do you see what I mean by OTT? It's not a bad thing for a child to stay at a parent's boyfriends. If you focus on that, you'll miss the important things.
Are your phone calls court ordered by the way? If they are, insist on them. Make sure they know you won't be bullied. If they're not court ordered, perhaps speak to a solicitor about how successful you would be on requesting that and going back to court?
Thanks. Friends (and friends of friends) know him, ex lives on other side of where myself and eldest are. They have all said the same, no axe to grind so I have to take notice especially when I see and hear how my youngest has been since.
I know what you mean re OTT and it is easy to think I'm jealous. It's not, in many ways due to her past she is as vulnerable as our youngest yet my focus is on our youngest only right now.
Phone calls aren't, they've always been routine though and with eldest needs a must really.
I can't see the point in texting my ex to point this out, it doesn't take much for her to fly off the handle. She knows what eldest is like and has put him below this new bloke already - which is unlike her and again fits into what others have said he is like with controlling people
Never mind he said she said nonsense make up your mind by what you see with your own eyes. Don't wait for your child to be a wreck, SS will be useless same for nccp just go and get him. Let her fight if she wants him back, I bet she doesn't.
She would. I did exactly that with our eldest even when SS, eldests school and her solicitor were advising her not to.Then she came back with exactly the same proposal I had given at the start.
With eldests special needs he wouldn't cope with his younger brother around, neither of them would be happy then
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.