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A support threat for those who have NC with siblings

(57 Posts)
RustyPaperclip Tue 16-Aug-16 00:35:14

After a lovely message from another poster (yes that would be you Bods!) I would like to reach out to other posters who have a difficult relationship/NC with siblings. MN is incredibly supportive of all kind of relationships but I wasn't sure if a thread existed where we could all rant about our difficult relationships with our siblings. You know, those people we have known us all our lives, who should know us better than anyone, but instead are strangers/enemies. I know that I am struggling tonight

RustyPaperclip Tue 16-Aug-16 00:41:19

Ah dammit thread not threat. That may have been my subconscious speaking confused

GinBunny Tue 16-Aug-16 01:04:37

I'm here Rusty. Don't want to give out details but it's a very hurtful situation. My not-D-S has painted me as the bad guy while she lives the life of Riley. My heart has broken so many times I'm numb to it to a degree. I hate her now. We were best friends, I don't know how she has justified her betrayal of me in her mind. I try to live with it but it is very very hard.

BodsAuntieFlo Tue 16-Aug-16 01:06:52

I've not seen my sisters in 14 years. I'll give a few examples of why:-

They were enabling of my narc mother and never seen any wrong in her behaviour.

One of my sisters constantly commented on my cooking to the point one year I was hosting Christmas dinner and she insisted on bringing the cooked turkey. she was scared I couldn't cook a turkey and would poison her Yes, seriously! I'm happy to report no-one has died from my Christmas dinners yet.

My other sister constantly commented on my parenting skills. Her children were, of course, perfect. This sister took great delight in telling everyone her children were weaned at 13 weeks and toilet trained at 18 months. She completely slated me as I was very much THAT mum who waited longer.

I could write a book on them. The above two examples are the tame ones.

RustyPaperclip Tue 16-Aug-16 01:14:49

Thank you both for sharing. I have one sister with a birthday approaching and I gave in and messaged her. I now feel like a fool. I wish I could just create a boundary but I keep trying to repair relationships. Then I get hurt and want to kick myself angry

RustyPaperclip Tue 16-Aug-16 01:20:21

GinBunny I think I can kind of understand what you are experiencing. The betrayal is so hurtful and I truly understand that feeling of your heart being broken

RustyPaperclip Tue 16-Aug-16 01:23:24

Well Bods you are lovely so their loss (easily said than done and I wish I could take my own advice) flowerschocolate---- for you all

fecketyfeck Tue 16-Aug-16 01:51:08

I'm one of 6 children. I'm close to my sister, still keep in touch with 2 brothers although I hardly see them, I know if I need them they will be there. But I am completely nc with my other two brothers. They decided they would rather have my exh than me when we got divorced so they all now play happy families with exh and his new gf. My two brothers, their wives and families are completely dead to me now. I will never ever have anything to do with them ever again,
They've hurt me too deeply.

Most of the time I'm fine with it and can almost forget they exist but then my dm might mention one of them and they will invade my dreams and I hate it.

rasperryberet Tue 16-Aug-16 03:04:51

This thread sounds like it's for me. My husband and I live overseas from our families. One of his brothers lives here, married to a local woman. They want nothing to do with us, yet she panders all over social media to the extended family back in the "home country" (3000km away). We don't know what we've done to offend them so badly, but we started to get really cut out of their lives when they got engaged. Several attempts by my husband to work it out with his brother have got answers ranging from "no, there's no problem" to "well, we don't really have anything in common". Husband even tried saying, "can't we all just get on? After all, we're the only family our kids have who live here." BIL's reactiion? "My kids have got family here." It cuts me up, it really does. And there's not a thing I can do about it.

Bambamrubblesmum Tue 16-Aug-16 07:25:59

My DH has just gone NC with his brother after years of passive aggressive nonsense. I think it bothers me more than him.

BIL is a real 'Iago' character. Used to say undermining things to me when DH was out of the room then smile sweetly when he returned.

He loves to be centre of attention and goes all sulky if he isn't. If DH isn't quick enough to respond to one of his emails he'll run to PiL to tell DH off (we are talking about middle aged man here!). Then we will get the 'your brother is trying to communicate with you' guilt call.

BiL thinks that he can send messages to DH telling him off or just being incredibly patronising. He writes like he's giving orders (DH is the older one).

He sent a very passive aggressive message to DH recently and DH just snapped and gave it to him both barrels. BIL didn't like that and is sulking. DH seems happy and says it's been building for years.

I'm sad for DH but know he's done the right thing. I think BIL is actually very insecure despite appearing confident to the world and has got so used to being the 'golden child' that he thinks everyone should just jump to.

He's not my sibling but I think I can see a lot of what you're feeling OP.

VanillaSugar Tue 16-Aug-16 07:31:47

My brother and I went NC 18 months ago when I committed the hideous crime of buying his 3 year old son a T shirt that was too big. He emailed me to say "stop sending presents and cards as I no longer want the feeling of dread everytime I open something from you." I replied "Rude."

That was it. Our mother was seriously ill last month and he still wouldn't communicate with me, even though I was texting him.

Some people!!

VanillaSugar Tue 16-Aug-16 07:34:06

God feckity that's AWFUL flowers

RustyPaperclip Tue 16-Aug-16 13:11:10

Wow Vanilla that is so incredibly rude! Sorry about your mother flowers

stabbypokey Tue 16-Aug-16 13:13:59

I have been NC with my only sister for the last 5 years. At first my parents agreed, but now apparently I am being stubborn and silly. Why I would want a lying, stupid, hysterical sociopath in my life?

From stealing from me constantly when we were growing up, to ruining my 40th birthday with another one of her dramas, my life has been so much better. Best thing I ever did, and my friends (who have seen her in action over the last 30 years) agree.

JKJerome Tue 16-Aug-16 13:31:52

My sister is a complete cow and over the years has taken any and every opportunity to make me look bad, and she is very clever about making people believe any upset is all me, not her. My mother always listens to her crap, but if I attempt to tell her the truth my mother says she doesn't want to get involved - never says that to my bitch of a sister though, she listens to every poisonous word she drips through her lying teeth.

Over the years she has continually put me down, bullied me, told me about my surprise Birthday party in front of my young son (who was devastated as he had worked so hard with his siblings and DH to make it happen and keep it a secret), Ruined a family get together for my Mum's Birthday because it was being held at my house not hers and she is a control freak extraordinaire. Those are just a few examples, there are more, but I don't want to wind myself up reliving them.

Two years ago she decided to go no contact with me, based on my forgetting to send her husband a Birthday card (I didn't, I posted it in good time but it didn't arrive - or at least she said it didn't, wouldn't put it past her to lie about it).... never mind that she hadn't sent my DH or any of my kids a card for years.

I have no problem with never seeing her bitchy cowlike face ever again, just wish i had found the courage to go no contact with her years ago.

I do hope you recognise yourself JOANNE if you end up reading this, you lying, two faced, selfish cunt.

LittleCandle Tue 16-Aug-16 13:46:43

I went NC with DB about 10 years ago. He took umbrage about something that my XH did (we were still married at the time) and wrote me a 4 page letter, typed on A4 paper, ripping me apart. I was devastated. However, I came to realise that actually, I had had a very heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. I had been taught that DB's needs came before anyone else's and I dreaded him being angry because I had no money to lend him. I never got the money back. He didn't work for most of his life, DM bent over backwards to protect him, and when he did start up his own business, he was running it in a very dodgy manner.

He is now in the US, married for the 4th time, and hasn't seen his DC since his DS was 6 months old. Sometimes I miss the relationship I thought I had with him. However, I don't miss the relationship I really had with him, but it does make me sad. I keep an eye on his FB page and have reached out a couple of times, but he clearly does not want me around. I don't even know if his DW knows about me. Very sad.

ChunkyMcBitch Tue 16-Aug-16 13:47:10

Ive been NC with one sister for about 10 years now, finally accepted by DM a couple of years ago when we weren't invited to my niece's wedding. Up until that point it had been sister running to DM to tell her my latest thing - I hadn't sent a card for someone's birthday, or they had seen something on Facebook and wanted to tell her. I keep a lot of things from DM, she's 86 and not in good health but sister insisted on telling her everything. She ignored DS's birthday 3 years running so I said enough was enough. There's plenty more things she did, some were totally unforgivable with regard to DS who died as a baby and a miscarriage I had but she's out of our lives now and I don't regret it one bit.

Elsiebrowneyes Tue 16-Aug-16 13:58:48

I went NC with my DB over 10 years ago. Following the sad death of a beloved relative and a fall out over the will. He and my DM said some truly awful and completely untrue things about my DH. They have never apologised and probably never will.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 16-Aug-16 14:44:17

Thanks Rusty , this is timely for me as I was thinking of reaching out to my sis2 on her upcoming birthday. I think I'll let it pass.

I was pregnant by surprise at 45 (she was 47 and no relationship/dc) and she would not believe that any pregnancy could ever be a surprise (and didn't I know how things like this happened?). Bitch. Here is the psycho part: She applied for maternity leave at work when I was the one pregnant (this was my third, in a very stable marriage and financially well, no chemical dependencies, etc ). Someone at work told her that an employee could apply if a sibling was pg and both parents were deceased-which fit our profile.

She bit on it hook, line and sinker (black and white thinking style) and made them process the request a second time when the first was denied. Oh, and she didn't ask me, she told me. I was so shocked that I said nothing and prayed HR would come through for me, and they did. But I could hear the folks at work laughing at her 80 miles away, poor thing. But there is no explaining things to her; and well a little comeuppance for her-she was apparently out of her league in that office!

My other sis1 was up for the birth as she was a nurse. The toxic one was livid and couldn't understand that I needed to spread out my help as they were the only two besides my husband/older children who could help. She would always say, "whatever is best for me", but was always surprised if I applied it. She cancelled my warehouse membership card the weekend before the birth to get back at me for my other sis1 being there.

I didn't call her the day of the birth. I spoke to her two weeks later when she was supposed to help for a long weekend. She called to inform me she wasn't coming since she had not heard anything. (There was a thing where I was supposed to always be the one to call her-pay homage?) I said I needed a break from our relationship. I remember very clearly saying: I am sorry, but I can not make my pregnancy be about you. (Silence)

She blamed my other sis1 for my decisions. Apparently I don't have my own brain.

She never asked to see my baby and I wasn't going to push my baby in her face since she took the pregnancy so horribly bad. That was March '08. She was visiting my other sis1 this past Christmas ('15) and asked me on the phone if she could stay over (we were to arrive the day after she was to go). So I said yes, even though she still didn't ask to see my dd, she got to. Very awkward. 20 min. Then she left.

My other sis1 has tried to maintain limited contact but the Christmas visit did it for her. The sis2 still blames sis1 and brought it up saying that she (sis1) prevented me from making use of her (sis2). Well, I don't use people.

Whew! Sorry for the essay! blush

VanillaSugar Tue 16-Aug-16 15:10:41

Wow, some really shock stories here. flowers for everyone!!!!

DM is OK now, for the moment but she's getting on a bit so come The Day - well, hashtagAwkward!

Heatherplant Tue 16-Aug-16 15:22:02

I'm NC with my older sibling due to enduring years of her drunken rants. My only regret is not telling her to piss off sooner. It's so nice knowing I will never again pick up the phone to hear her slurred abuse nor read a text message accusing me of some bullshit crime against the family. I am happy I'll never see her nor her side of the family ever again.

MrsT1984 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:46:22

Ive recently gone nc with both sisters because they continue to enable narc mother and make mine, and my kids lives thoroughly miserable.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs Tue 16-Aug-16 17:48:12

I am NC with my shitstir because I just cannot stand having her in my life! We have never got along. She lies, re-writes history and is a textbook narcissist. I only see her at family funerals and I can't even stand hearing her breathing! I could not stand to have her in my life. The quality of my life would plummet. How she sleeps at night after some of the things she has said and done is a miracle. Other people are now gradually seeing my side and realising what she is like and that is partly because I have so thoroughly cut her out. Had I not been so decisive, it would have taken longer for that to happen or perhaps not at all.

springydaffs Tue 16-Aug-16 18:18:39

I am NC with all my siblings. I can't tell you the joy of that. Thoroughly toxic brood to the very core. Unbelievable stunts throughout the years; betrayal upon betrayal, endless sabotage ...

Our parents accept it now. Of course, the rot started with them! I am the scapegoat. I'd like to say I've resigned from that role - I certainly have, privately (a lot of ££ in therapy), but they will never let me off that poisoned hook.

Thanks for starting this thread. There's not much out there for the likes of us.

RustyPaperclip Tue 16-Aug-16 18:53:43

I wish I was at the acceptance stage. One minute I have accepted that I no longer have a relationship with them, the next I am trying to reach out and then getting knocked back. I think what hurts the most is losing any contact with my nieces, I doubt they even remember me now.

Vanilla totally understand your point about The Day. It's going to be hell

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