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Going back to ex

(40 Posts)
Aveiam Mon 15-Aug-16 23:06:10

I'm really struggling and want to go back to my ex. It just feels easier, like I won't be worried about what's next, when there's a predictability with him and I just don't want to be by myself. I feel like it's a stupid thing to do because he can be completely vile but then I think what have I got now that's better than being with him? I know it will take one slip up for him to get back in to my life and he keeps calling and calling and I think I don't really have any willpower left to stay away. I don't know why I'm writing this, but I guess I want to hear opinions. I don't know sad

user1470834869 Mon 15-Aug-16 23:07:42

You broke up for a reason. Grab a pen/paper or use notes on your phone and write them down. Every reason you can think of. Read back to yourself. Go to sleep. Don't contact him.

Aveiam Mon 15-Aug-16 23:16:43

Thank you, the thing is I know why we broke up and I know how shitty he is most of the time. But I feel like I'm resigned to this. All I've ever know is this and it's really tough trying to pretend I'm confident and have any ounce of self esteem when I just don't know how to be without him. He told me what to do in every aspect of my life. I never thought it would be like this but I'm totally and utterly lost without him controlling everything.

Aveiam Mon 15-Aug-16 23:29:13

Im sorry I know How stupid I am.

Mozismyhero Mon 15-Aug-16 23:49:21

How long is it since you broke up? If he was really controlling and damaging to your self esteem, it will be making it difficult for you to have any confidence in your own decisions. But you made that decision for such a good reason and the longer you spend free of him, the stronger you will get. It won't always be this hard.

Mozismyhero Mon 15-Aug-16 23:50:48

You are not stupid at all, you are trying to get over a controlling, abusive relationship.

FreeFromHarm Tue 16-Aug-16 00:17:45

Please please do not go back, you knew you had to leave, you go back and it will be even worse. work through the no contact , you can do this , and ignore him 💐

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 16-Aug-16 00:18:41

Lovely your not learning to be without him yet I'm afraid, because he's still around
Trying to get you back.

Unless you can somehow cut him off completely, you'll never have the opportunity to know what it's like to have your own mind. You've never tasted freedom because you haven't got it yet flowers

Aveiam Tue 16-Aug-16 07:30:55

I was not in contact with him for a long time, he was arrested and I changed my number and moved away. But he's back and I don't have the strength to keep him away

Footle Tue 16-Aug-16 07:37:08

Have you got children , Aveiam ?

Aveiam Tue 16-Aug-16 07:37:54

I have a daughter she died

Joysmum Tue 16-Aug-16 07:40:58

Please see that you are lost without him controlling you because you've been expertly conditioned to being controlled.

You struggle because you've not had control of yourself, there's a HUGE difference between 'can't' and 'have never really tried'. Just because you've not had control of your own life before doesn't mean you can't or should accept abuse as being all you are worth.

Yes, it will take time to learn to fly but the best things do take time to learn and you are worth so much more than accepting being an abuse victim for the rest of your life. flowers

pocketsaviour Tue 16-Aug-16 07:43:08

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter flowers

Have you had any help from Womens Aid, your GP, or other support services?

Aveiam Tue 16-Aug-16 07:59:55

I've had help but he's still around and I can't get away

Footle Tue 16-Aug-16 09:05:35

This is a heartbreaking situation but it's only going to get worse if you go back to him. His behaviour was clearly pretty bad if it got him arrested.
Please go back to Women's Aid , please take the help they offer you.

toadgirl Tue 16-Aug-16 09:13:27

You've been through a hellish time flowers.

Abusive men take up all your time, your thoughts, your life. You very likely didn't have much going on outside of this man, I am guessing.

Now he's gone, you need to make your life as full as possible with hobbies, friends, work, whatever you're into. Loneliness and boredom are your biggest enemies right now.

Please don't go back into an awful situation because of inertia. There are great things out there in the world for you. A good man, for one. But you'll never find him if you carry on giving headspace to your ex.

Good luck.

toptoe Tue 16-Aug-16 09:14:04

If you moved away from him and changed your number you sent a pretty clear signal to him. He's decided to ignore it and is now harassing you.

I would consider this a form of harassment/stalking. He's wearing you down after you chose to move away from him.

Can you see how this is actually harassment? It's not right. You might want to investigate some sort of restraining order.

toadgirl Tue 16-Aug-16 09:15:22

The Real Reason You Can't Get Over Your Emotionally Abusive Ex

You likely have some form of PTSD.

toptoe Tue 16-Aug-16 09:15:45

Infact, not 'might' you should seriously consider sending him a last clear message to leave you alone through the authorities.

Are you frightened he will harm you if you do this?

toadgirl Tue 16-Aug-16 11:34:27

Here are 3 Rules to help you stay away from him

1. NO contact Yep, this one’s hard, especially if you dropped a few stress pounds, or got yourself a new hairdo and look smashing. I didn’t say you couldn’t walk past him, I just said you can’t have contact! That means, you don’t initiate it in any way and you don’t respond to it in any way. This is when everyone learns if you are really serious about that breakup or not. If you allow contact, well, we know what happens from there now, don’t we? If you said it’s over and you meant it, prove it. NO contact.

2. Pull up a bad memory Don’t just think about one and brush it off, dig deep...remember how he made you feel when he did that thing? Get pissed off about it again. It will probably get you ranting mad about the other reasons why you dropped him like a fly, which will help you stay away.

3. Chant your Deal Breakers (in your head, please) Figure out the top three things you want from a relationship. I’m assuming he didn’t have one or more of these, or you wouldn’t be reading this, so, if he is missing even one of these, he is toast. No questions asked, no trading one quality for another-which means, no, you can’t do without loyalty because he has six-pack abs or is good in bed. You are not allowed to negotiate with yourself on these! From now on, as soon as you notice one of your deal breaker set missing, it’s over.

Aveiam Tue 16-Aug-16 21:05:42

He's shit. He raped me, beat me up all the time, was controlling and horrible to me all the time too.
But I would rather know that that's going to happen every day than not know what's next. I'm so tired of it all. Honestly it's all just dark in my head

toadgirl Tue 16-Aug-16 21:41:17

Your anxiety is playing tricks on you.

Your anxiety about the unknown will not get better by going back to this man. It'll just create a whole new level of anxiety.

Please go to your GP. If you've been before go back again. You need counselling and possibly anti-anxiety medication.

Do the Freedom Programme

You haven't begun to heal yet, OP. Please don't think this is as good as life is going to get for you. You need to start rebuilding your life all over again.

Please be strong. You are worth more than this.


Footle Tue 16-Aug-16 22:15:19

How are you doing now , OP ? Do any of the replies help you at all ? You've been through so much , it would be terrible to go back to his abuse now.

Aveiam Tue 16-Aug-16 22:38:59

I'm reading and I do really appreciate the replies I am just trying hard to understand because it just seems so much easier and simpler to be with him. It feels like it's going to happen whatever I do. I feel sick and tired, and so dark that it can't really get worse. I know what he's capable of but I don't know what's going to happen when I'm not with him.

Footle Wed 17-Aug-16 07:43:44

What sort of situation are you living in now ? Have you got friends or family ?
The certainty of knowing that you're going to be seriously hurt all over again is worth fighting. Saying you know you're going back to him - no, no, no.
You must find things to do with your life that leave no room for that excuse for a man.

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