Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do they suddenly disappear- another dating saga.

(49 Posts)
emilybrontescorset Mon 15-Aug-16 19:55:25

I'm pissed off right now.
Was going to name change but what the hell so here goes.
I've been single since was my decision, no problem.
Used that time to go out with friends and focus on what I want etc etc.

Anyway.. Joined plenty of fish( I know) lots of friends have found their partner on there.
I've had lots of messages.
I've been quite clear with my requirements( sounds harsh) ive said no for many reasons.

However I had meets with some men.
Some where there hasn't been a connection and it hasn't lead to another meet up.
I've clearly stated I want a single man who wants a relationship.
I've also said I only want to meet initially for coffee because I don't want either of us to feel we have wasted a full day if we do not get along.

Now I've met 2 men who I liked, and liked a lot. The first one said he liked me could we meet up again he told me all about himself blah blah. He went into serious details telling me all about his beliefs and other things.
We met several times and ge asked me to spend his birthday with him,
I agreed all was good he said he had had a fantastic time.
Then things progressed and we did.
It was fabulous. We both enjoyed it.
Then no contact.
I texted him and rang and he didn't reply.
I put it down to experience.
He is now back on line and I haven't contacted him.
He actually chased me quite a lot when I think about it. I also told him I wasn't interested in seeing him just for sex.

Anyway I then met another man and we chatted on line. We met for coffee and things went well. I was more cautious but as I liked him I agreed to meet him again.
He told me all about his life ect etc
We then spent the day together and again I was slightly more cautious.
He sensed this and asked if I liked him as he liked me, only wanted to vs with one woman didn't want a one night stand, wasn't looking just for sex etc etc.
As the day progressed we had fun and we ended up kissing.
He asked if I wanted to go yo his for coffee and we ended up dad and I spent the night at his.
The next day things were great and we agreed to meet up later.
Then I get a text message and he says ge has to cancel as his son is coming but ge would ring me when his son had left.
I had a gut feeling he was lying,

I text him before I went to bed and he text back but I scent heard from him since.

Wtf is wrong with these men.
I gad conversations with both of them agreeing that people who just want sex should use other sites.

This is 2016- are men still expecting women not to have sex? Or wait until they are bloody engaged.

Fwiw both ndn said they would come off the dating site, since they had found what they were looking for.
Both said the sex was amazing.
Ffs have I been that unlucky to have met 2 fucking players who lie their ass off.

emilybrontescorset Mon 15-Aug-16 19:57:35

I'm also late 40s so I don't want to mess around with someone who isn't right for me.
I don't want to spend ages and ages to get to know not a teenager and I want to make sure the intimacy is good between us.

emilybrontescorset Mon 15-Aug-16 19:59:16

That should read we did the deed.

TealLove Mon 15-Aug-16 19:59:39

When I find the answer to this I'll let you know!
I hear this a lot !!

Choceeclair123 Mon 15-Aug-16 20:07:09

Because some men will say ANYTHING for a leg over.

GodImbored Mon 15-Aug-16 20:07:44

Lots of threads on here about the same thing. There is a lot of it about. All I can advise is be prepared for it. I'm cynical these days I'm afraid.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 15-Aug-16 20:10:12

Online dating means you can have 6-10 women on the go at once meaning if you play it right you can get a new shag weekly.

At least that's what a drunk acquaintance told me.

emilybrontescorset Mon 15-Aug-16 20:12:42

I just can't see what the appeal is to screw with someone's feelings like this.
There are plenty of websites advertising sex. Why mess about spending time with women when you aren't serious.
I've had lots of messages from other men today and I've had to tell them all that I'm not meeting anyone because of what's hapoened.
Bloody arseholes!

TheNaze73 Mon 15-Aug-16 20:36:03

You are right, bloody arseholes sums it up. Any half decent male, who is witty & can converse will have so many options as laurie says.

jbee664 Mon 15-Aug-16 20:54:52

I feel your pain....I had this happen to me several times before meeting my DP and I was shocked everytime...could never believe guys could be so cruel and act so differently to things they'd said. I recently read an magazine article about 'ghosting' and this is what this is! Mean mean mean!

Don't give up though, it does happen, my DP and I met online and have now been together for nearly 4 happy years!

Good luck!

emilybrontescorset Mon 15-Aug-16 21:05:00

I could understand it more if there weren't absolutely loads of other websites where you can go and get shagged.
Both of these men said they never replied to women who wanted them just for sex.
I feel so bloody annoyed.
I'm getting distrustful of everyone now.

Thanks for the replies x

emilybrontescorset Mon 15-Aug-16 21:06:03

Jbee64-what is ghosting?

TheNaze73 Mon 15-Aug-16 21:13:09

jbee664 Mon 15-Aug-16 21:22:43

I think some of them still like the challenge.

Ghosting is when they just disappear on you.

Mittensonastring Mon 15-Aug-16 21:32:49

Maybe these men and as much as it sounds awful don't want to sleep with women that just want sex for the fear these women have slept around. That is obviously double standards on the part of them.

I worked in an engineering environment for many years and know a lot of men many are decent but many and we are talking educated men not knuckle draggers are very judgemental about women who want casual sex. The classic joking about sloppy seconds etc.

So you are what they want a 'good girl' as such, that plays straight in to the Madonna or whore crap that exists.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 15-Aug-16 21:46:07

There are really not many websites which are just for casual sex where you don't have to pay

These men want women they can seduce a bit. Not ones that are guaranteed - it's the desire to win, to overcome, to persuade.

They're basically fuckers.

merville Mon 15-Aug-16 22:03:58

"I could understand it more if there weren't absolutely loads of other websites where you can go and get shagged."

Having looked on a site or two like that out of sheer nosiness; I'd say the male/female ratio is, not unexpectedly, very out of skew. Let's face it, if a woman decides she'd like no strings sex/fwb - she can often find that without a vast amount of effort without even having to go online. Demand for women who only want sex has always (and prob. always will) outstripped supply.

merville Mon 15-Aug-16 22:04:46

Agree with LaurieFairyCake 's points too.

AbyssinianBanana Mon 15-Aug-16 22:10:34

I suspect because the women who are on the sites for sex only hookups don't want just no strings attached and may not be the "type" these assholes were hoping for? The other sites may be full of women out to scam them, try to milk them for "gifts" / insert your stereotype here... So it's easier to bullshit normal women into the idea of a relationship. Plus assholes, so you know. A power trip too.

YouAreMyRain Mon 15-Aug-16 22:11:09

Yup, sex websites have very few women on there. Most of the women who are on sex websites are actually in couples, looking for a third party.

Boolovessulley Mon 15-Aug-16 22:22:14

I think you have all made valid points.
Both of these men knew that I had only been with 2 men in over 25 years.
The last one especially kept saying how he wanted someone special, someone who didn't sleep around with just anyone.
Wankets both of them.

Think I might alter my profile.

Thinking about it now I did read ( might face been on here) that an experiment was done where the exact same profile and pictures were used one stating the woman wanted a relationship the other stating she didn't want anything serious.
There was far more interest show in the woman who wanted a relationship.

Still feel bloody angry.
I even know where they both live ffs.

singleandfabulous Mon 15-Aug-16 22:37:49

As others have said, men like a challenge and they want what is rare. For men with easy charm, dating sites are like sweet shops. Find a nice woman, woo her, win her, onto the next without the risk of stds (or so they think). I agree that the sex sites are full of men. Basically, men just want sex with lots of (nice) women, until they fall for someone. Dating sites seem to be a moral-free zone.

ThinkingForever Mon 15-Aug-16 23:37:42

Really sorry you had this experience OP. Unfortunately I think its fairly common. I agree with singleandfabulous that dating sites seem to be moral-free zones. It seems to me all potential relationships begun there have to be treated with great caution and its best not to believe first impressions, and take things very very slowly. Its not full-proof but its the best insurance. You have a right to protect your heart as you see fit until the right person comes along and proves he is worth it.

Mintychoc1 Mon 15-Aug-16 23:49:53

Well I think it's like this - man meets woman, likes her, fancies her, enjoys the chase, enjoys seeing her respond, enjoys the ego boost and power it gives him over her, makes him feel good etc.
Then they have sex, and suddenly it all shifts. Most (not all) women place a lot of significance on sex, and generally only do it with someone they like and want to see again. The man knows this, so he knows that now this woman will have certain expectations. An hour ago they were just having lighthearted fun. Now suddenly he is expected to behave in a certain way, contact her, want to see her again etc.
But what if he's not that bothered? He liked her, she was fun, but when push comes to shove he's not sure he likes her enough to become her boyfriend. The longer he sticks around the more will be expected of him. And his heart isn't really in it. So he runs and disappears.
And that's it.

emilybrontescorset Mon 15-Aug-16 23:50:15

I've been on again and the second guy is on there right now.

I'm so tempted to message him and call him on it but then Im also trying to save my dignity.

Fucking twats.
He asked me to tell him about my feelings for him and when I knew that he was going to be right for me.
He told me that he liked me straight away and knew he wanted to be with me.

I feel such a bloody fool.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now