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Ever felt an intense and purely sexual attraction towards a stranger? Chemistry/pheromones? (Agh - my new postman!)

(65 Posts)
MissPronounced Mon 15-Aug-16 14:47:12

I'm 29, casually dating since the end of a long-term relationship. A few sexual partners in the past, and never any complaints. If you'd asked me if I'd been very sexually attracted to my previous partners, I'd have said a definite yes.

But out of absolutely nowhere I've developed an intense sexual attraction to my postman, and I've never felt anything like it before. He's been delivering here for about a month and I've spotted him a few times, but until recently hadn't been face to face with him. He's physically nothing like I usually find attractive, and I wouldn't have given him a second thought really. This changed two weekends ago when he delivered a parcel. He leant over to stroke my cat, quite close to me and BAM, I was overcome with this urge to jump his bones.

I'm working from home today and had another delivery. Again, the same thing happened and although I still can't say I find him physically attractive, he literally made my knees weak. I just want to have sex with him more than I've ever wanted to have sex with anybody, and I have no idea why. I can hardly stop thinking about him.

I need help! It must be something chemical, right?! Pheromones? Are they a myth? How do I stop thinking about him? I feel weird and embarrassed - part giddy teen, part sex fiend (if only in my head).

Please distract me and tell me your experiences of similarly unexpected, intense sexual attraction - and please don't tell me you acted on the attraction and found the sex to be every bit as mind-blowing as you could possibly imagine grin

MiaowJario Mon 15-Aug-16 15:10:21

Yes, a few times.

The first few times in my twenties.

One I ended up in a relationship with, sex was amazing but we ended up going in very different directions in life. We tried pretty setiously to make it work on three occasions over 6 or 7 years because the physical and emotional connection was so amazing. I think if we had both been at the life stage we wanted kids we would have gone for it, and probably made it.

Another was someone who was a friend of a friend, we both had partners when we met but the attraction was instant and mutual. We would see one another socially/professionally from time to time. For the next 2-3years we were never single at the same time. Eventually we were, gave it s go and we had totally missed our moment- really horrendously disappointing physically.

Another time with a work colleague (female, or rather pre-op female to male transgender). Very, very difficult as in close proximity to one another a lot through work. We both fought it hard, but got embroiled in a friendship that was very emotional and intense. And inevitably that shaded into a pretty tempestuous affair...which ended in tears all round, friendship ruined, I found a new job within a year etc. By the sex was unbelievable, it just wasn't enough. We were both vert different in terms of values/upbringing. It was very, very destructive for us both, and I do wish we had just decided to ignore one another.

Then in my thirties, but more experienced and better able to handle my emotions.

One time was with someone I had a brief fling with. We were totally unsuited to one another, both knew and and kept it short and sweet. It was one of the defining episodes of my life-helped me decide who I really am. But it was intense, and when it ended, it was painful.

Last one was again someone who I met through work. We channeller it into a hugely productive working relationship which really did move mountains in a short space of time. Our professional paths diverged and we went out. Date consisted of us talking on a very, very deep level about what we wanted out of life, our values etc. It was a very, very close run thing. If we had been even a tiny bit closer in terms of what we wanted out of life ( from his point of view) or what our background was (from my point of view) I think we would have gotten married. We never even kissed or hugged, as we were both old enough and wise enough not to open that door unless we were going to go through it together and shut it behind us forever. We were both married to other people within 18 months.

So, I hope that helps.

JellyBean31 Mon 15-Aug-16 15:41:38

once when I was mid thirties & married I sat on an interview panel for a placement student (20 yr old). I went out of the interview room to refresh the water before the next candidate came in and BAM - this guy was sitting in the waiting room. It was purely animalistic attraction, I knew nothing about him, had never laid eyes on him before that moment.

All I could think of was "he cannot get the job" how could I live with that intensity for a year??? But of course he did get the job and it turns out that the intense physical attraction was was a year of hell.

I don't know if it would be classed as an emotional affair, because we never acknowledged it until the day he left, but I mooned over "what ifs" for basically a year. In public, I made a big show of talking about my husband and kids to him and asking him about girlfriends etc but in private I thought I might die if I never got to have sex with him.

He's still a fb friend but lives the other end of the country now, we have over the years sent the odd "how are you" message but those feelings just aren't there anymore but I'll always remember the intensity.

SomeKindOfGenius Mon 15-Aug-16 17:19:25

wonders if my DP is your postman

Not all that helpful though, sorry! 😆

madinche1sea Mon 15-Aug-16 17:33:06

What a nightmare for you OP - the postman!!

Don't worry, though. You're not alone! I think most people experience this kind of thing at some stage and you have no control over when it's going to strike.

When I was in my early 20's there was a man who started where I was working who made me feel like this. Similar to the poster above, I just thought, "He cannot work here - noooo!" I didn't actually like him as a person and he wasn't my type physically either. He was married, but also having an affair because "things were difficult with his wife" hmm I knew he was a train wreck waiting to happen when he started coming onto me. Nothing happened between us, but after a stressful year trying to rationalise myself out of the attachment I felt towards him, I ended up getting a new job to escape from it all. Totally ridiculous in hindsight.

When, a few years later, I met the man who was soon to become DH, I only saw him from behind. Just the back of his head in a bar. I just remember thinking, "Ok here he is then, " quite distinctly, like a voice in my head. It really was the most odd thing - a bit like déjà vu or something before I'd even seen his face. I can't remember how he came over to me or what we talked about, but I do remember that I hardly ate for about a month after this and didn't ask him into my flat for ages because I was too overwhelmed by the whole thing. I must have been acting very strangely when I think about it. Then he proposed after 3 months and now, 15 years later we have 4 kids and he can still make me feel "weak at the knees" grin

I have often thought about this and I think pheromones must have something to do with it. You're right to suspect this, I would say.

So, in summary, this could go any way for you, depending on the postman's circumstances. Sorry to not be more helpful.

MissPronounced Mon 15-Aug-16 18:02:12

Ahh, thanks for the distractions - much appreciated grin.

MiawJario - I can't help but feel you're quite fortunate to have felt like this more than once, but perhaps you don't feel that way. A mixture of outcomes - some painful, but it sounds like the highs were high. Thanks for sharing.
JellyBean31 - I'm glad somebody else understands the instantaneous 'BAM'. I can't imagine having to be around somebody day in and day out whilst feeling that (this) way.
SomeKind - I hope not. Not that I'll be making a pass at him anyway!grin
madinche - another workplace story. How strong you must have been to turn down his advances.

Ahh, I don't know why I'm giving it all so much thought. It's just a new sensation for me, and in some ways has me questioning my previous relationships. Sexual attraction towards my previous partners has always come after physical attraction and knowing them enough to actually like them as people. To have the sexual attraction without those other things feels odd but thrilling.

I have no plans at all to make a pass at the postman. The probability of him being available, interested in women, attracted to me and OK with me making a pass at him whilst working are pretty slim, I'd imagine.

magicstar1 Mon 15-Aug-16 18:24:50

I had this with a guy but didn't want to share him, so we had a FWB arrangement. It was intense...I'd take half days off work etc. to meet up purely for sex. It went on for a few months, then I met DH and immediately cancelled the arrangement. I didn't have that Bam feeling with DH, but knew he was right for me.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 15-Aug-16 22:21:44

Omg I've missed out on so much. Been with the same person since I left school!!

Patheticfallacy Mon 15-Aug-16 22:33:17

I had it with my dp when we first met. Obviously I'm still attracted to him now, but not the same intensity. Our first kiss made me physically shake. I
On our fourth date he just turned around and looked at me and there was this electric charge between us and I knew he felt it too. We did dtd that night and it was good though the anticipation was even better. I think when you feel that strong rush it is most often mutual.

inabizzlefam Mon 15-Aug-16 22:57:30

Yes but so embarrassing.
Am currently going through a divorce and have a massive crush on my divorce solicitorblush
He's waffling on about financial settlements and I'm imagining him taking me over his desk!
I think it must be something to do with him being "academically superior" that does it for me.

MiaowJario Mon 15-Aug-16 23:00:07

Miss I agree that I've been lucky to experience it so often. There is only one of those instances I regret in any real sense of the word.

I put it down to having travelled a lot and lived in a lot of places. They say pheromones are to do with your immunities, they telegraph information about your immune system to a potential partner, and really strong attraction indicates complementary immunities I.e. Your kids would have a really good start in life! So what immunities you develop is often down in part to where you are brought up.

madinche1sea Mon 15-Aug-16 23:15:49

Inabiizzle - 😆

Miaow - well who knew! Cats and dogs can actually smell each other's pheromones can't they - eg. two cats with non-compatible pheromones will NEVER get on. I wonder if it's the same for humans, but we're generally oblivious until there is a BAM encounter?

ravenmum Tue 16-Aug-16 11:13:58

I remember the first time this happened to me, I was working in a hotel and had to sign for some goods. The delivery man stood next to me at the counter as I signed and as I moved in to do so I felt a zing of pheremones, like a smell but without actually smelling anything if that makes sense smile I looked at him in surprise and he also gave me the once-over - I got the feeling he also noticed - but I just signed it and he left, never to be seen again.

I felt the same thing with my exh at the start of our relationship, when we sat on a sofa together. Sex came a week or so later but was good!

loveinasuitcase Tue 16-Aug-16 12:10:15

Ok so this happened to me once too. I am happily married with kids and we had a brief problem with mice in our kitchen so pest control came out and this guy made me absolutely weak in the knees. I actually couldn't stop thinking about him.... And I was hysterical over the mice to begin with, but once I met him (only to discuss how to deal with the mice) I wanted to rip his clothes off and shag his brains out. He visited a further few times to make sure all mice were gone and each time it was the same. In hindsight I am ashamed to think I would have risked my wonderful marriage for a tumble with this man. It was that strong. This was about 7 years ago and I still remember the feeling and how hard it hit me out of nowhere. It's definitely a real thing.

singleandfabulous Tue 16-Aug-16 12:39:40

Only twice and sex disappointing with both as I just couldn't get into it and was so nervous.

With both of them, as soon as I saw them and our eyes met there was a 'BOOM' moment with us both just staring at each other and then, my god, the tension and electricity between us as we were so close but not touching. The air crackled! The first one I got alone a few hours later, the second took another meeting. It feels like you're having a heart attack.

Even though both were very big, manly men and very good looking, I think it is the smell as with both mine, I could have wept with joy at the smell of thier skin.

I agree though that when it hits you, you just want to shag their brains out right then and there and never let them go.

WetPaint4 Tue 16-Aug-16 14:25:37

I've had it, once. Such a wonderful feeling. I never told him how badly I wanted him and soon I'll be attending his wedding. Man, just the thought of his thighs in his trousers... drool

OP, don't hold back. The next time you see him, tell him you want him to deliver more than just the mail. If he turns you down, you can always just move house or something.

(I cannot be the only one who read 'stroked my cat' and immediately thought of a filthy pun, surely...?)

singleandfabulous Tue 16-Aug-16 17:42:21

* Man, just the thought of his thighs in his trousers... drool*

Ha ha ... brilliant and exactly the way I feel about my current bloke.

redisthenewblack Tue 16-Aug-16 20:08:25

Happened to me at a football match when my brother introduced me to his best friend.
Something about his hands and the way he brushed his hair back made me want to tear his clothes off.
He was totally not my usual type. Very well spoken, polite, massive beard and a few years younger than me. (I used to go for 'bad-boy' wankers older blokes.)
I couldn't get him out of my head. I wanted his hands on me like nothing I've ever felt before.
I asked my brother a week later if he would mind if I hit on his best mate! He told me to go for it.
He's now my DP. smile
The sex isn't as 'technically' amazing as some other people I have been with, but the emotional connection we have, the fact that I feel such an animalistic urge to ravish him whenever he walks in the room, and knowing that he feels the same about me makes up for that tenfold.
I can honestly say he's the best I've ever had.

HippyPottyMouth Tue 16-Aug-16 20:30:04

I had it once at a job interview. The guy who I was going to be assistant to was called in to meet me and it was as if the room went dark and only his face was in a spotlight. I worked there for nearly a year. We did have a night but mostly it was a slightly awkward friendship. He had recently separated from his partner (I totally believe this, his house was very very much a young single bloke house and colleagues told the same story without knowing there was anything between us) but he ended up getting back with her after I'd left and I think he was still in love with her throughout. I've never had that feeling before or since. He was just amazing.

TheRollingCrone Tue 16-Aug-16 20:37:24

The post man always rings twice! Start a conversation, this could go somewhere.
Good luck and please give us an update after 1st post tomorrow morning

RaspberryOverload Tue 16-Aug-16 21:05:20

I had this some years back with a colleague I barely knew. I ended up working very closely with him for a while and the feelings faded very quickly once I actually knew what he was like. I've no contact with him now.

The other time I was with DP and DCs at one of the places in Chaddar Gorge when I walked by this bloke and it instantly took my breath away. Managed to hide it from DP but really it was like a kick in the guts. Strangely, I can't now remember this chaps face, just the feeling I had in that instant.

The only common thing between the chaps was that both had dark hair and eyes, something I've recently come to realise is the type I go for.

MissPronounced Tue 16-Aug-16 21:07:01

Ahh, I've really enjoyed hearing all your experiences of the BAM phenomenon.

Those of you (TheRollingCrone and WetPaint4!) encouraging me to consider considering the possibility of even beginning to think about flirting with my postman are very bad! Even if I was convinced it wouldn't be a bit inappropriate, I've no experience of chatting anybody up, except for in pub/bar/party situations or online. Not sure I have it in me to begin a face to face flirt without at least one cocktail in me, which is probably not advisable at 10am grin.

I would love to bump into him in a social setting. That's what I'm going to casually dream of, however unlikely.

I'm not working from home again till friday, but perhaps if the weather's pleasant then I'll take my laptop outside and work in my front garden. Just as a test. If he makes me weak again that'll be three times, which surely can't just be a coincidence/anomaly grin.

RaspberryOverload Tue 16-Aug-16 21:10:33

Hmm, that should be Cheddar Gorge, typing with the lights off and cba to get up yet yo switch them on.

merville Tue 16-Aug-16 21:15:56

I can't believe no-one's made a 'so he stroked your pussy' comment/joke yet - do I have to be that person; apparently so.

OP I find this kinda thing happens to me occasionally around ovulation time.

Anyway may as well find out if he's attached or not, no harm in that ;).

merville Tue 16-Aug-16 21:18:54

I actually couldn't stop thinking about him.... And I was hysterical over the mice to begin with, but once I met him (only to discuss how to deal with the mice) I wanted to rip his clothes off and shag his brains out.

Just when I thought this thread couldn't get any funnier.

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