Ending my marriage 2 - EEOB will not be stopped

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

Thank you to everyone who supported me on my last thread about leaving my abusive husband. I stopped posting as I thought he was reading. I now know he is reading my emails, and don't see why he should stop me getting support on here.

Things are pretty bad at home. He hasn't been violent and hasn't drunk when I've been there, but veers between reproach for me not giving it another go, and being as nasty and hurtful as he can be. I had a week away with the DCs last week which was a welcome break despite all of us coming down with tummy bugs! Now I'm back in the madness it's exhausting and I'm glad to be going to work today for respite.

Yesterday he said he wanted shared custody of DCs. I'm pretty sure he doesn't, he's never looked after them even for a weekend alone. But he wants to hurt me, and wants to depict himself as an injured martyr - if he can say he wanted them and I stitched him up he can carry on pretending to himself.

That's when I think he read my emails because he asked if I'd got legal advice, and threatened me if I lied about him in court. I said I didn't need to lie - he has a conviction for punching me in the face and breaking my nose FFS. He said I have been violent to him ( not true) and he will use my DSis's mental health against me in court. He wants to have DCs 4 nights a week, Mon to Thurs even though he works FT. I know this is nonsense and won't happen, but the thought makes me feel panicky. It was very nice having a week when I didn't feel on constant edge of a panic attack!

So my plan is to do as much as possible in writing, suggest mediation. Set up my own bank account and get my pay into it, with a SO for house and bills - I earn more and need to save my money for escape. Maybe go and view a house which looks suitable and potentially affordable though at present he is refusing to move or sell.

This is probably all very disjointed and confusing but please do support me. MN is the reason he has a conviction for assaulting me and I could really do with your support to continue and get me and my girls out of this toxic environment. Thank you!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not suggest mediation to him at all. Mediation never works with abusive men and he is out and out abusive. You would co-operate in mediation, he would never ever do that.

Inadequate men like he again use the threats of taking the children away from their mother; its just another way of getting back at you as "punishment" for you having the cheek or gall to leave him, this perfect specimen. Its all about power and control and I would ignore all of this from him.

Can you set up a bank account online for your salary to be paid into?

Keep on with your own legal advice and get him away from you and your children as soon as possible.

Are you talking to Womens Aid as well, they can and will also help you here. You need to extricate yourself from this marriage sooner rather than later as well. Saving money will take time and that is something that you do not really have a lot of. Men like he take an awful long time, years even, to recover from.

[DoreenLethal]

Yes to getting a bank account and all monies due you to be paid into it.

If he carps on about having the kids shared custody then say what a marvellous idea, you can look after them three nights a week from now on and one day at the weekend which would he prefer, Saturdays or Sundays?

Either he pays the full mortgage and gets it signed over to him or you sell. His choice.

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

Did the online bank account last night. I suggested mediation because that was the advice I got, I will go to the legal stage if he refuses.
I'm struggling to cope in work at the moment, I need to keep my job and not be a flake but it's hard to keep back the tears.

[Naicehamshop]

Bless you. Keep going, you are doing well.

[Maidofrohan]

Well down for sorting the bank account :)

Can you talk to someone at work about what is happening? I've been very open with my work about what has been happening in my home life (DH had an RTC 3yrs back, is permanently injured and this affects so much), and work have been wonderful. They know that I do my best, and they also know that I may be a bit preoccupied when things are bad with DH. It's a relief to know that they support me.

X

[hellsbellsmelons]

Your response:-

50:50 is great idea but you don't get to have every weekend free.
That's not how it works.
It's one week each or 4 days then 3 and then reverse that.
Which one will you suit you best.

Could you contact Womens Aid and get the number of a good local solicitor to get things moving.

He sounds awful.
I'm glad you are getting out.
Good luck.
You sound strong and positive.

I agree mediation won't work but if they say you have to try then you can try.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

May I ask who actually suggested mediation at all?. Clearly whoever advised this did so without fully understanding the ramifications of doing this when there is abuse present within the relationship.

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behaviour, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.

[FreeFromHarm]

Atiila is right, the mediation service do not advise mediation with your abuser, it is not healthy for the victim at all.

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

Thank you everyone. Attilla you have given me great advice in the past so I respect what you're saying. But at the moment H is refusing to move out and refusing to sell the house so my only other option is lawyers which will cost massively.

[SandyY2K]

I know mediation takes different formats, but aren't the two parties in seperate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth and you only come together once an agreement has been reached which you both sign?

I'm a trained mediator (but not divorce mediation) and that's how we do it. There isn't the opportunity this way for one person to assert power, because they are kept apart.

If an agreement is reached, it gets signed. If one person breaches the terms and it later goes to court, the breach is mentioned and it doesn't work in their favour.

[smilingeyes11]

if you speak to Women's Aid and have his abuse documented you may get legal aid? He already has a conviction for hurting you?

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

I don't qualify for legal aid because of my earnings. That's interesting Sandy, I did think about contacting a mediator to discuss how it could work. Maidofrohan (great name) sorry I missed your post before. I did tell a colleague today, and she was really supportive.