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Is this normal?

(12 Posts)
BaffledandConfused Mon 15-Aug-16 03:26:39

So ex and I split and he started messaging women 24 hours later. He begged me to come home and I asked if he had had contact with other women and he told me about the messaging but that it had only been messages and only to stop him feeling miserable, abandoned and lonely. Fast forward and he decided he no longer wanted to be with me a couple of weeks later after I discussed issues with his family. Said I had humiliated him etc... immediately entered new relationship with one of these women, conceived a baby with her around 12 to 14 weeks into new relationship, introduced her child and our child to new relationship immediately and I mean literally from first day, got engaged 7 months into this relationship while she was about 4 or so months pregnant and married after just over a year together with baby a few months old. When we split and he was messaging other women she was one of them. He knew her from school and knew she had always had a thing for him. When we had discussed it when he had wanted to come home he had said "fuck her she's nothing, I don't want her I want you" about her and the other two or three he had been speaking with.

He has been horribly hostile and abusive to me at the same time. But my question is, is his speed with new relationship normal immediately after separation and having wanted to come back to relationship? Literally a 24 hour change of mind and then another 24 hours new relationship started. I'm trying to assess it without the bias of being on the receiving end of his abuse, if that makes sense. They didn't speak properly for almost ten years before this so had no real relationship besides knowing each other from school.

OlennasWimple Mon 15-Aug-16 03:32:59

No, none of that is normal

BaffledandConfused Mon 15-Aug-16 03:58:18

Thank you Olenna

It's so obviously not normal to me, but he did a number on me with emotional and psychological abuse so sometimes I still need to ask others for reassurance.

suspiciousofgoldfish Mon 15-Aug-16 04:05:33

No it's normal. You had a lucky escape flowers

bluecashmere Mon 15-Aug-16 08:23:08

It's not normal but stop analysing this. What's the point? You are better off without him. Keep contact as limited as possible and about kids and move on (not necessarily into another relationship!).

BaffledandConfused Mon 15-Aug-16 09:46:03

blue happened last year, have been moving on in a relatively calm and stable fashion.

All of ex's friends and family acting as if his behaviour is normal. I find this jarring as I feel it enables and normalises his behaviour. This feeds into his abusive behaviour as he sees no signs of emotional instability in himself. So he pushes the rhetoric that I am bitter and jealous while we currently go through court about our dd.

BaffledandConfused Mon 15-Aug-16 09:55:53

Thanks all for the feedback. I know it sounds ridiculous but the psychological abuse and manipulation mean I need reassurance and outside perspective on this sometimes.

bluecashmere Mon 15-Aug-16 10:05:02

I know from experience how difficult it can be when everyone makes out you're the mad one. He will never accept he is abusive and any energy expended trying to make him see sense is completely wasted.

But he's not your concern and what his family think doesn't really matter does it? Focus on you and dc (esp in relation to courts as they don't care about anything that has gone on in truth, however annoying that is) and leave him and his other half to make their own mistakes.

MiddleClassProblem Mon 15-Aug-16 10:09:36

I'm sorry but I just don't understand this. Do you have a child together?

Anyway I would just let him crack on. Doesn't matter if it's normal or if his friends are supporting him. It's his life and he can make his own mistakes, just be happy it's not with you. Honestly, why does it matter?

honeybunny14 Mon 15-Aug-16 10:59:31

Whats normal for some people isn't for others he has every right to move on at whatever speed he wants.

Sorry this has happened to you but I wouldn't give this any more head space.

mickyblueyes Mon 15-Aug-16 11:43:02

Sounds like someone with Narcissistic Personality traits/disorder to me. One of the characteristics of someone with NPD is the ability to discard the wife/husband/partner and move on to the next victim with such might want to read more on the subject and see if a few 'lightbulbs' come on that help you make sense of his behaviour.

mickyblueyes Mon 15-Aug-16 11:54:39

"I know it sounds ridiculous but the psychological abuse and manipulation..."

It's not ridiculous to people who have suffered the same emotional abuse as you have, when your in the middle of it you can't see it happening to you, it's only when you get out and step back can you start to make sense of it all.

If as suggested you are able to not give it any more head space then do that, it's excellent advice, he's not worth occupying your mind.

If however like me, you needed more answers to what you've experienced then I suggest you read and research more about what you've experienced he sounds 'Disordered' to me and his behaviour isn't normal. Maybe read about personality disorders, this is what I did and this enabled me to provide that 'Clear headspace' once I realised what my ex put me through and why she did it.

All the best.

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