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Boundaries after divorce

(17 Posts)
westendgirlx Sun 14-Aug-16 23:39:55

I'm getting divorced and so is my partner. Whereas my nearly ex husband and I don't talk or text etc, my partner and his nearly ex are texting or phoning daily and he tells her his latest news...stuff she doesn't need to know about...the text today read...I travelled along a road today and it was very poignant...full of memories of us!!

Now I'm not a jealous person, I love him, he is lovely to me and my daughter and we are engaged, but...I'm a bit miffed...what should I do that doesn't cause bigger problems? He doesn't go and see her or anything

Lookatyourwatchnow Sun 14-Aug-16 23:51:07

Ugh. No, OP, this is not ok.

VimFuego101 Sun 14-Aug-16 23:52:55

I would not find this acceptable. YANBU.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 14-Aug-16 23:56:58

What you do is pull on your big girl pants & do the very difficult thing of putting some distance between yourself and him, he's still in love with his ex wife. Being lovely & being engaged doesn't count for much when he's still in love with her. You and your DD stand to get very, very hurt if you don't.

HandyWoman Mon 15-Aug-16 00:01:39

OMG surely not?

Time to call off the engagement, don big girl pants and re-think things.. How do you think he would react if challenged? Have you ever raised this before??

Missgraeme Mon 15-Aug-16 00:04:05

In his head and heart he isn't getting divorced.
Or marrying you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 15-Aug-16 00:16:30

"what should I do that doesn't cause bigger problems?"

Keep your mouth shut, pretend it never happened and marry him any way.
But you must know in your heart of hearts that this would be a terribly foolish thing for you to do.

He's not fully detached from her in any way, shape or form.

TheNaze73 Mon 15-Aug-16 01:01:46

I think you're making the classic mistake of comparing your old relationship to his.

SandyY2K Mon 15-Aug-16 02:16:04

Why are they getting divorced? As he seems to get on great with her.

eyebrowsonfleek Mon 15-Aug-16 02:34:31

It sounds like he's not ready for a new relationship (never mind engagement/marriage)

Did his ex end things? Does she have a partner?

DadWasHere Mon 15-Aug-16 04:43:21

Why the panic posts? I lived with a woman who had a good relationship with her ex husband, who I met many times over the four years I was with her. She was in touch with him every week and that was back in the days before SMS and Internet. I understand that a 'common' divorce can be bitter and acrimonious, but not all of them are. A mature view is you are married to someone you realise you do not want to have as a life partner, so you divorce. Its not just about getting a divorce only after you reach the bottom of the well. You can leave while you still have a measure of fondness left or you can keep plugging away and fill up a barrel of bitterness to carry with you instead. All it sounds like to me is he did the former, not the latter as many people do.

Lunar1 Mon 15-Aug-16 05:23:18

Do they have children together?

westendgirlx Mon 15-Aug-16 07:39:32

They are divorcing because she is bipolar and given him hell for ten years. No..they don't have children

Cabrinha Mon 15-Aug-16 08:26:06

If he was the one that ended it, and it was largely because of her MH issues, isn't it rather cruel of him to be sending her texts about poignant memories?

Even if he were single, I would think that wasn't very sensitive.

Staying friends? No problem.
Texting about poignant memories? Totally context dependent. And also dependent on whether they have BOTH moved on.

ButtMuncher Mon 15-Aug-16 08:34:37

Agree with Cabrinha entirely.

I wouldn't be cool with this whatsoever. And I dealt with my DP having to have daily contact with his ex for a small portion of our early relationship, still, he never ever said anything like that or would have wanted to confused

LaurieFairyCake Mon 15-Aug-16 08:41:00

My ex husband did this. It was not because he still wanted to be with me, he was very happy with the woman he ran off with.

He wanted to be friends, wanted to reminisce about our long years together, wanted me to still see him as a good guy, wanted to be able to tell his friends and the family I'd had for ten years that he had 'tried to be friends'. hmm

murrell0cherri Mon 15-Aug-16 10:45:10

Or he could just want the divorce to go smoothly.

Everyone deals with the process in different ways.

Some ex's discuss the grounds, so the other knows what to expect, others like to keep it friendly because it helps both ex partners deal with the process.

Divorce is NEVER easy.

And there are a multitude of ways of navigating the process.

If there is a change in YOUR relationship with your new partner, that's different.

But I wouldn't jump to conclusions, there is no 'one size fits all' way to divorce or separate.

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