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Reassure me that I was right to end things?

(20 Posts)
Roundandroundandround Sun 14-Aug-16 22:09:31

So two weeks ago now I finally plucked up the courage to ask where I stood with the guy I've been seeing for the last 4 months.

It's the first time I've ended a relationship that was not awful. When we were together we got on great, had amazing sex and seemed to really 'click'. Around 2 months in to the dating he seemed to be treating me like a girlfriend, but then I felt his behaviour totally changed. There were imo fundamental issues:

- he cancelled a weekend away we had planned together and didn't offer or make any noises about rearranging
- lots of the time we spent together was on his terms eg 'I can see you but I want to go to this event although you're welcome to come along as its not far away'
- in the last few weeks before I ended it he made no effort to see me - I always arranged things
- even though it was 4 months in I still wasn't sure if he was dating other people
- he seemed to be contacting me less and less and not bothering to text back

When we were dating I was always quite insecure of his feelings towards me as he went away a lot. Therefore I'm worried the above was all in my head - but I'm a smart woman and do believe in trusting instinct.

Fundamentally I got a new job and am moving cities and he is also moving abroad in a couple of months. I just couldn't see how with all the above, he would make the effort to do a long distance relationship, so I told him I didn't think it would work out. He didn't put up a fight and we agreed to finish it.

I haven't heard from him since apart from one drunken exchange (instigated by me) last weekend.

I guess I'm just after some reassurance that I did the right thing? He was a fantastic catch 'on paper' but I just got the feeling I was putting in all the effort and that his interest in me was fading.

TheNaze73 Sun 14-Aug-16 22:37:13

I think it depends what you were looking for. After 4 months I think that's all I'd be looking for & not looking for anything more. He seems independent & does his own thing, which personally I think is an attractive personality trait. The abroad would have probably killed it though for most. Do you know what you want in the future? Is it to be the centre of someone's universe & to be needed? If so, he wasn't right for you and you've made the right call.

Roundandroundandround Sun 14-Aug-16 22:48:37

It's not to be needed or the centre of someone's universe, but I don't see the fun in things when you can't plan anything and they don't commit to any quality time with you.

I guess I liked him a lot and was looking for the relationship to progress at least to exclusivity but he was probably happy with how things were.

Penfold007 Sun 14-Aug-16 22:48:56

You ended the relationship, why would he contact you?

NImom Sun 14-Aug-16 22:49:56

I think youve done the right thing, and youre trusting your gut instinct which is good. And you dont think a long-distant relationship would work , which they dont really because Im in one!
I thought you'd know after say two months if you were officially a proper dating couple/ or exclusive whatever its called these days.

You sound good on paper, dont go after him, it sounds like he hasnt made enough effort for you.

After the drunken phone call, that could have broken the ice properly and really made you two exclusive but it didnt, and i think it should have.

Roundandroundandround Sun 14-Aug-16 22:54:51

It didn't end badly at all, he said he would buy me a drink if he ever saw me out and about. I get the feeling this was quite casual for him. I don't think wanting more after 4 months is too soon, especially if you recognise that you really are starting to fall for them. I guess I wanted to enjoy falling for someone, but felt that I couldn't without knowing where I stood, as my instinct was telling me to keep my guard up.

HandyWoman Sun 14-Aug-16 23:03:05

You were right to end it, OP. Doesn't make it easy. But definitely the right thing. He apparently saw things as quite casual. After a couple of months you didn't. Fair enough. You sensed he wasn't on the same page and did the right thing. Smart cookie you are.

Good luck with your new chapter - new job, new city etc.

flowers

Inexperiencedchick Sun 14-Aug-16 23:04:48

IMO you have done the right think...

If he wanted to he would go after you, he didn't.

flowers

tipsytrifle Sun 14-Aug-16 23:29:37

Presumably his move abroad was the signature note of this relationship. Pleasant as it's been, you did the right thing to let him go because he was already distancing himself ready for his move. You did the right thing before it got awkward with farewells and the potential for false promises. It was casual on his part. Your instincts are good. Always trust them

DietCockBreak Sun 14-Aug-16 23:43:27

You did the right thing. You were a pleasant enough convenience for him to shag spend time with, but not a priority enough to actually make any effort or sacrifice for. Even without the moving away, this relationship was about to get seriously crap. You need someone with some enthusiasm for you, at the very least.

Roundandroundandround Mon 15-Aug-16 10:46:48

When we were first dating and he was very keen he thought he would be moving but staying in the UK and actually moving close to where my new job is.

I can almost pinpoint the day he must have found out he was moving abroad as his behaviour totally changed. However he was never really honest (until I ended it) about where he was actually moving to!

Nellyphants Mon 15-Aug-16 13:17:05

It's 16 weeks, it should all be lovely at this stage. It sounds like work. I think you've done the right thing.

AnotherPrickInTheWall Mon 15-Aug-16 13:29:14

You wrote about this before...I think he wanted you to end it as he didn't have the guts to do it himself.

LesisMiserable Wed 17-Aug-16 09:26:00

Right decision. He was on his way out anyway as you instinctively knew.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Wed 17-Aug-16 09:58:47

You were right to end things. It wasn't going to go any further so it seems like it was a good time to call it quits.

I'm in a similar place myself, relationship of 7 months ended last week. I may be projecting a bit but I wonder if part of the reason you're posting is because you're still thinking about this guy a lot? Mine is taking up WAY too much of my headspace. It's annoying. I'm fine about things ending but can't bloody stop thinking about him and having imaginary conversations with him in my head. I'm sure it will pass though.

Roundandroundandround Wed 17-Aug-16 17:01:04

Yeah I am thinking about him and also I am not good at making decisions and in the past have avoided ending relationships I knew weren't working because I always doubt myself afterwards and feel massive regret!

It's difficult not to dwell on the good things or the time when he was seriously acting like he wanted a relationship but I'm trying to force myself to remember how it felt towards the end.

I'm not needy or clingy and never had an issue with him going away but it's no fun when people cancel on you all the time/shows no enthusiasm for seeing you - who wants a relationship where you can't look forward to future plans?!

At least this time I do feel more in control as to be honest I instinctively never fully let my guard down with him.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Wed 17-Aug-16 19:38:33

It's shit breaking up with someone and you're allowed to feel shit about it. But even without the other stuff, this relationship didn't really have legs did it? What with you both moving away.

And if previously you've waited until things have become truly awful, then the fact that you ended this before it got to that stage, sounds like a positive development. Well done!

StartledByHisFurryShorts Wed 17-Aug-16 19:40:28

Oh sorry, if that "Well done!" sounded patronising. I originally typed "You're growing!" then thought wtf does that mean? and changed it.

tipsytrifle Thu 18-Aug-16 00:18:31

You were wise not to let your guard down fully. This will buffer you in the "what if" moments. It's true though, weird cliche that it sounds - you're awake and aware to possibilities, willing to deal with them before they become a crisis too. Enjoy what you can from the memories this liaison has given you, then bless it and let it go. Be happy chocolate

BlueFolly Thu 18-Aug-16 01:03:54

The fact that he didn't seem that bothered when you ended it says it all really.

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