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Dp horrible ex

(23 Posts)
Louise2092 Sun 14-Aug-16 20:20:32

My partners ex boils my blood.
She says nasty things about me to him via whatsapp (he had a day off work to take me for an invasive hospital procedure which i was nervous about and she took a shift at work so he had to have his son and couldn't come with me... she called me a baby for not going alone despite it being sedation so i wasn't allowed to go alone and none of my family could get time off).

She also has us drop ss off later than usual if she's working but still doesn't turn up until 20-45 minutes later (good thing i've driven them these times so they haven't been soaked in the rain). She also had us drop ss off at her mothers who ended up not being home (i had to borrow petrol money off a nearby family member to be able to take him home).

She also informed dp on friday (2 days before school starts) that ss needs trousers, jacket, pencil case and pens etc plus gym kit for school. Dp and i had just paid out £240 for a new cooker as ours broke on thursday night.

Dp told her he only had £40 for the rest of the month but her response was " the gym kit can wait til next week but he needs everything else".

We took ss to blackpool at the end of july and paid about £800 for the hotel, tickets for things, travel and food etc to make up for the fact we went abroad with my parents in july (partly paid for by them) and if shd had told dp he had to buy this stuff then, we could have budgeted for it all.

We managed to get the money together for what he needed and go most of it in town yesterday. Had to go back to town today to get the gym kit. I said i would drive them to town so me and dp could go collect mine and my sisters dogs from the groomers straight after.

Cue ex not giving a time or place to meet so i had to park in a long stay carpark due to having no change on me. We also had to get her a birthday gift from ss for her.
She was meant to meet us outside the shop for the gym kit just as we got there.
Turns out she wasn't even planning on meeting us and expected us to walk 20-30 minutes to the market area to drop ss off to her.

This really pissed me off because not only had she made us spend money we didn't have, she was now messing us about.
(Dp and i put our spare money after bills together so whatever he spends is my money too).

Dp then left me by myself on a bench in town while he went to 'meet' her and ended up going all the way to the market while i'm sitting like and idiot by myself for 40 minutes.

I honestly was so angry with her i felt like crying. I honestly don't know what to do. I love my partner and we're due to get married in a few years and, despite not having much in common with ss, we get along. My issue is the ex. Everytime she messes my dp about he takes it out on me and we end up arguing. I even said that instead of paying a wedding i would gladly spend the money on court fees to get a legal agreement in place about drop offs, times and who pays what for ss. Dp flat out said no he wouldn't waste the money on it.

To me, it'll be a relief knowing she can't mess us about and has to bloody communicate like and adult.

I feel like if nothing changes and she keeps doing this crap then i won't marry him cause i can't take the stress.... my job is stressful enough without my homelife adding to it.

People keep saying 'take nothing to do with it, he's their kid'. But he will be my ss and any money spent on him is half mine. Plus when she messes dp around it has a knock on affect on me.

Long winded i know, sorry.
Advice please x

abbsismyhero Sun 14-Aug-16 20:27:09

its not the childs fault your cooker broke he still needs clothes

abbsismyhero Sun 14-Aug-16 20:28:41

why are you complaining about dropping him off later if she is working? surely she needs to support her child too?

the rest sounds like shite communication between the parents they should get there act together

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 14-Aug-16 21:35:04

Might it be better all around if they set an amount of maintenance each month so they could both budget? That way you know what is going out each month and the exW can budget too. I agree that getting a court order would formalise everyone's expectations of days, drop offs etc. Try not to take it personally, but I know it can be frustrating when it feels like someone is mucking you around xx

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 14-Aug-16 21:36:52

Also, OP you might get more responses if you got this moved to stepparenting

SandyY2K Sun 14-Aug-16 21:42:41

Why was she aware about your hospital procedure in the first place?
It's none of her business.

I wouldn't have your partner taking it out on you either. I'm sorry, but you need to put your foot down about this. Tell him you aren't prepared to live the rest of your life getting the backlash when his Ex pisses him off.

It will be a terrible marriage if you don't stand firm.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 14-Aug-16 21:44:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Sun 14-Aug-16 21:48:50

What is their current maintenance arrangement?

Because "child needs new school uniform 2 weeks before start of autumn term" isn't exactly a shocker headline.

You're not a parent but he is, so he should have predicted that was coming.

The rest sounds like them not having agreed handovers.

I think you're right to hold off committing to him until he sorts out maintenance and handovers though.

bleedingnora Sun 14-Aug-16 21:49:40

You don't have to have someone with you for sedation you just can't drive home. You are allowed to get a cab.

And maybe dog grooming money is less crucial than your ss getting the school gear he needs.

It all sounds so angsty and no doubt the poor kid is well aware what a hassle he is to everyone.

Try to see her side and at least be polite to her face and about her even if she is a pita.
At the end of the day the little lad has to be central to this.

Maybe your ex should talk calmly to her and agree about money (would more in the regular maintenance payment help) and try to work together for the lads sake.

Cabrinha Sun 14-Aug-16 21:50:45

And what's he playing at showing you a whatsapp message from her calling you a baby? confused

Totally unhelpful.

SandyY2K Sun 14-Aug-16 22:09:50

You don't have to have someone with you for sedation you just can't drive home. You are allowed to get a cab.

Actually you cannot just get a cab home. I've had treatment under sedation and you must be accompanied.

StripeyMonkey1 Sun 14-Aug-16 22:15:49

She sounds difficult to deal with.

But... I agree with those who say that your DH needs to be clearer with her about who does and pays for what. That is his fault too. I think he knows this and his anger with you is displaced guilt.

You don't need a court order to get clarity in terms of who pays for what - that can be done by agreement or at a minimum your DH can be very clear (whilst still being generous) about what he will provide. Your DH needs to step up on this and I would be insisting on it before considering getting married to him. It should be helpful to his ex too in that it will allow her to budget.

If she continues to mess you about with timings, I'd simply stop doing what she asks! I'm not saying you should be other than reasonable - if she is working late or her finish time is unpredictable you might be sympathetic to that, but she needs to let you know what to expect and to try to minimise inconvenience caused to you too.

You are getting a raw deal here but it is in your DH's power to improve the situation. If he doesn't listen to you on this, in my opinion that is a relationship issue.

Icantstopeatinglol Sun 14-Aug-16 22:59:04

Sorry you're getting a rough ride op. I know what you mean, it's hard to budget when things are thrown at you at a moments notice. Plus the whole drop off and her not being there etc is what we went through for years and it does drive you nuts! It's not easy just saying don't get involved when it's having an impact on your day to day life.
I think your dp needs to get this sorted and formalise everything. Does he pay regular maintenance? Does you dss come on set days?

springydaffs Mon 15-Aug-16 00:35:27

I agree with you that he needs to get a legal agreement in place to stop her mucking about.

That's your issue here: that he's ok with her mucking about. Plus it looks like he'll drop everything to keep her happy. Plus he takes it out on you when she's mucked him about.

Nightmare flowers

SandyY2K Mon 15-Aug-16 01:34:56

I even said that instead of paying a wedding i would gladly spend the money on court fees to get a legal agreement in place about drop offs, times and who pays what for ss.

Dp flat out said no he wouldn't waste the money on it.

Then tell him you don't want to hear another word about it and him moaning/taking it out on you, if he can't be bothered to sort it out legally.

There needs to be a clear amount of child support to avoid the financial issues. Even without going to court, he and her can agree an amount and be clearer on the visitation.

I'm not sure how old his child is, but do you realise this will be your life for several years unless he deals with it?
Think long and hard if you are really able to cope with his Ex, while he does nothing.

Sounds like he's conflict avoidant and that can actually cause more problems in a relationship.

Joysmum Mon 15-Aug-16 05:53:12

This is a problem with your OH, not his ex.

He's the one who doesn't want a formal agreement and is prepared to allow the situation to continue. If there was a formal agreement you'd know where you stood financially and time wise. Are you doing all the pick ups/drop offs?

He's also the one who is stirring things up by showing you a message on what's app.

Lunar1 Mon 15-Aug-16 06:04:38

Your dp sounds a real catch. He's done ok for himself though, he's go you doing all the running around. He's probably painted you a a pain to her you know, he's just an innocent man caught between two unreasonable women.

I'd love to know everything that had been said by him in the run up to her comments about the hospital appointment.

It's August, every parent in the country is finding money for uniform. Why did he even need asking by his ex, he should have had the money ready or a plan to take his ds shopping. The mother of his child shouldn't be in a position where she is having to pester for the essentials.

Cosmo111 Mon 15-Aug-16 06:20:05

Haven't you posted before about you're DP ex, it sounds familar. The uniform you should of budged it for it is an essential item as lunar said. He should be setting up direct 4 weekly payments for you're SS.

FinallyHere Mon 15-Aug-16 06:28:53

Have you considered how much easier your life would be, if you ditched the DP? Why are you even considering marriage to this man, who is not making much effort to make your life easier?

eatingtomuch Mon 15-Aug-16 06:49:08

My ex h pays the same maintenance each week. If the DC need clothes, uniform or equipment I need to budget for it. I do not get any extra. You need to encourage your DP to go on the sites that calculates maintenance and pay a regular monthly amount, then you can all budget.

All the other stuff around drop off etc need resolving amongst the adults. Could she give you an estimate of when she due home, then text when on her way. Or could she collect SS on her way home from work from your house.

veryproudvolleyballmum Mon 15-Aug-16 06:54:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Mon 15-Aug-16 07:29:48

I've commented above that your boyfriend should have been prepared for school uniform costs.

But I've just re-read your OP. Absolutely the person dicking you about here is your own boyfriend.

Why are you involved in so many drop offs?

If her time keeping is poor (best explanation) or she is deliberately late (worst) then he knows this. So why on earth would he arrange to meet her outside a shop? He knows what will happen and he doesn't care that it will inconvenience you.

This is not about court, this is about him getting something out of this, though I'm not sure what. Possibly, avoiding responsibility himself? Because it sounds like he doesn't actually have a contact schedule in place - so may not be doing that much childcare? Otherwise, why does he have to have his son because she's working? How did she even know he was off that day? What would have happened if she wasn't off that day?

He does need to step up for childcare - for example maybe she has a zero hours contract and this flexible / last minute childcare is their agreement.

I'd also love to have seen the full convo about you being a baby. Don't you realise he probably over did it about you needing him there to avoid the childcare?

Did he say "sorry, can't have him as I need to take OP to hospital", or "she's really nervous, she really needs me there, she can't cope without me..."?

I do wonder about his motivation for telling you she called you a baby. There's no good reason to tell you that. Only reason I can think of is it's a rather neat way to get away with insulting you himself, isn't it? And of course perpetuates drama which he clearly loves by not sorting out the contact.

I wouldn't marry him - he sounds a total arse to me.

Cabrinha Mon 15-Aug-16 07:39:56

Interesting - I searched your name and it seems when this hospital appointment happened you made exactly the same point yourself - that you think your boyfriend blamed you.

You're 23 and he's 35 with a 10yo and situation with an ex girlfriend that he clearly can't be bothered to sort out.

Run. Just run.

I want to say you're too young to be bogged down with that crap, but tbh any age of person shouldn't put up with it! But it does seem an extra shame that someone so young is spending their 20s running around after an older partner and their child. And their ex.

If you do want to stay with him, here's a tip for the late drop offs or her not being there:
- you tell her to collect on her way home from work
- or you tell her to text when she's home and only then do you leave to drop off

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