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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationship problem

(17 Posts)
CarpeDiem2016 Sun 14-Aug-16 13:29:48

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting anything. I have been with my partner for almost 8 years. He has always had a temper and can blow up over small things. Ive learnt to be careful what I say or do just to keep the peace and to save him smashing up stuff. However often it can be impossible to keep the peace. Sometimes if i roll my eyes, he flips over that. I feel like I cant express myself at all, that Im always wrong, i cant really disagree with him or voice my opinions and i'm starting to feel so broken. Ive always hoped he would change, but it seems he hasnt. we have a baby now and I feel things have become harder. Ive been left to do everything myself. Even before the baby, and while I was pregnant, it was me cleaning up the house, cooking the food, doing the dishes, the garden etc he did help some odd days but he always had an excuse, i will later, i feel ill etc. The past few weeks tho he has suddenly changed, he started cleaning up. I should be happy but really i feel like its not a home anymore. And by cleaning up he threw my stuff that i left on the stairs in the bin outside and said that should make me learn. I had to take it back out and wash it. He wants things to be put away so the house stays tidy. if i make a cup of tea the teabag must go in the bin, the teaspoon should be washed and not left on the tray. One day i went out the shops and he texted me lots of pictures saying look at all this its not hard to clean up. I had left my shampoo on the side of the bath. I left my slippers by the couch. I left the electric door key on the table. I left the babys coat on the couch. I told him i was sorry, its hard to keep the house 100% tidy when i have a baby to look after too (which he never really helps with). He said thats no excuse it only takes a few mins to clean up. I felt like crying. Anyway, two days ago, the mood wasnt right in the house and he told me something, when i asked him what he meant he said forget it. I needed to know though so i asked again and he got so angry, he pushed me hard and i fell backwards and banged my head agaisnt the wall. Its not the first time hes hit me. Normally he breaks things when hes angry so its rare he hits out at me. Its just banging my head and before xmas when he thumped me in my mouth, that felt like the worst hes done to me. i also noticed him locking the front and back door and taking the key so i couldnt leave, so i said nothing and kept quiet so that things wouldnt get out of hand any further (i was crying a lot too though), he asked me why are you crying for like a baby? Later on he said he didnt mean for me to bang my head. i feel like its the last straw though, is this my life forever? I know its abuse but it feels strange to say that as most days everything is fine, and also cos i dont say what i really think and i know this is making me miserable. He tells me to smile, its hard
too when its not geunine. I dont know what to do! He didnt really say sorry when he hurt me and he asked me why i look so moody. I told him its cos he hurt me and my head hurts. Oh i thought we moved on from that? How can i move on so easilly from something like that? i feel like so much has happened in this relationship that it will always be in my head. And ive never told anyone at all. I once did leave him and went to my mums and told her we have split up. he loves his little baby so much tho and she adores him so much too that i felt so bad that i ended up going back home. I just dont know what the right thing to do is. Ive told him so many times he needs to get help with his temper, but he wont, he says it wont happen again, i know thats not true. Im fed up with cleaning broken glass or paying to replace something hes broke or being scared to say what i think, and now on top of it all making sure i put things away in the house straight away. Im just scared to leave too cos this has been my life for 8 years. It would be nice to hear peoples views or opinions on the matter! Thank you xxx

bluecashmere Sun 14-Aug-16 14:06:46

Call Women's Aid asap for help and advice and prepare to leave. That is the only response you will hear because it's the only sane course of action. Make sure you are careful about how you go about it but know it's your plan. Being scared to leave is a terrible reason to stay.

PS And don't bother trying to get him help with this anger. Accept this is not the relationship for you (or anyone). He won't change.

AnyFucker Sun 14-Aug-16 14:09:49

Have you seen that film "Sleeping With the Enemy" ?

That's you, that is sad

MotherOfROC Sun 14-Aug-16 14:10:01

Sorry OP I would leave even though 8 years is a long time surely you don't want to spend the rest of your life living like this. In my opinion they don't change no matter what you do and it's no life tip toeing around someone just so they don't kick off

DoreenLethal Sun 14-Aug-16 14:12:00

You need to leave asap to be honest.

Hensintheskirting Sun 14-Aug-16 14:29:19

Do you really need to ask for people's opinions on your clearly absuive partner? Do you want to bring your child up with this man? What will he do when his 7 year old child rolls their eyes at him? You need to leave - you must see that.

CarpeDiem2016 Sun 14-Aug-16 14:44:03

Ive never told anyone before, this is my first time and even though my name wont show up it still took me ages to press the 'post' button. My problem is truly admitting its an abusive relationship and that was my first step today. ive never had anyone tell me to leave the relationship too. I guess this is what i needed to hear. Im not a strong person anymore and i know i need to leave! Thank you everyone for your advice xx

Hidingtonothing Sun 14-Aug-16 14:45:55

Does he work OP, do you have any time to yourself when he's not around? Your first step is definitely to call Women's Aid, tell them exactly what you've told us, they will help you put a plan together. You do need to leave, I realise that's hard when you've spent 8 years together and have a child but, to put it bluntly, it's not safe for you to stay. What if you bang your head harder the next time he pushes you and he seriously injures or even kills you? It could and does happen, you can't take that risk. The only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none and that's before you even look at the way he controls you. You will never be happy in this relationship, you will never be free to be yourself, you can't even show the wrong facial expression for fear of his reaction, that's no way to live and no environment to be bringing up a child in. Will you have some time where you can ring WA safely when he's not there? Make sure your online activity is secure too, delete your history or use private browsing if there's any chance he might be able to access your device. The time while you're preparing to leave an abusive partner is often the most dangerous because they're losing their control over you so you need to be careful and keep yourself safe flowers

TheCrumpettyTree Sun 14-Aug-16 14:47:10

You need to protect yourself and your baby and leave.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Sun 14-Aug-16 14:54:55

He's a bully, an abuser, you shouldn't waste another day of your life with this coward of a man.

Please follow the advice above and call Women's Aid. You and your child deserve so much better than this.

Just to give some perspective, my father had a temper like this - would throw my toys in the bin if I didn't clear up etc. At age 38 I've finally had enough counselling to realise that it wasn't my fault. I've had abusive relationships of my own in the past, not a coincidence.

Allalonenow Sun 14-Aug-16 14:56:46

He is a violent bully.
You really cannot live for the rest of your life like this.
As others have said, please phone WA for help and advice.

When you come off the computer, don't forget to log off this website, also clear your browsing history each time. thanks

iremembericod Sun 14-Aug-16 15:10:25

Well done for writing the post. It is so hard, we all get that.

He is a stain on humanity and you do not deserve to be treated like this - he is emotionally, physically, mentally abusive. I would guess it doesn't stop there - do you have access to sufficient finances? Are you expected to give him sex on demand?

You don't need to answer that, it is just to say that he probably impacts every part of your relationship and your life and not one part of it is acceptable.

Yes, he may have moments of normality but they do not erase a punch in the face. If a stranger punched you in the face I am sure you would call the police, not make him a cup of tea to 'calm him down'

You have to leave. In the worst case you may be one of the 2 women who die every week at the hands of these men, at the best, you will end up a wreck and your child will be modeling this behaviour as being normal and have a life of abuse themselves.

Do you have family support? A trusted friend?

Can you get private time to contact Womens Aid? You must not let him know you are thinking about leaving until your plan is concrete.

You can do this. You must do this. There is a better life out there for you and your baby I promise.

candybar007 Sun 14-Aug-16 15:55:31

Congratulations on making this first step and realising this is not a normal relationship sorry I`ve got nothing more to add to the good advice already given.

Grannypants1 Sun 14-Aug-16 16:09:50

This is red flag city. Please call womans and and leave. Do you want your little one to grow up cowering and thinking this is normal? It is going to be hard trying to raise a baby on your own yes, but you are already doing that now except under a constant shadow and treading on eggshells.

Buzzardbird Sun 14-Aug-16 16:30:54

When you picked your username, you knew what you needed to do, you have your validation. I only read the first two lines initially and could see you were in a abusive relationship.
He might love your baby, but he said he loved you too didn't he?

Crinkle77 Sun 14-Aug-16 18:43:06

This is abuse. Please get out of this relationship.

IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 14-Aug-16 18:53:39

You need to leave. He is a bully and you deserve better.

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