long-distance relationship

[NImom]

Hi I've been in a long distance relationship for four years now. DP lives in Scotland and I'm in London. We love each other very much but can't live together. One reason is because my ex DH pays the rent on the house i live in with out two DS's. Secondly DP is unemployed and cant afford a deposit for a flat in London or somewhere within an hour or so of a train journey.

We see each other every three weeks for about four days, and really enjoy our time together. The problem is that I feel really sick when he has gone back home, i feel unwell for about two days, so much so that I feel like calling the mental health crisis team out. And i have done before now.

When he goes back home and I feel ill - all my problems seem to hit me head on. Problems like financial insecurity especially. I dont know what i want from mumsnetters but tbh each time he leaves i say, that's it it has to end, i can't cope with this , what the F is this all about etc to myself.

Any ideas, something has to change but i dont know what.

[bluecashmere]

Can I ask, has he been out of work for the whole relationship? Who pays for him to travel down?

It sounds a bit like you're living your life for these few days a month and that's not healthy. Sorry if I've got this wrong.

[NImom]

He's been out of work for about two years now. ANd i pay for him to travel down, he books the ticket but I make sure he has enough money on him. Yeah, i hope Im not living my life for these few days ,

[HandyWoman]

It sounds as though you are not in a good place emotionally, and he doesn't have much to offer you given that you are so vulnerable, financially. The way you feel when he leaves suggests an unhealthy attachment. How did you meet? What do you do when you are together? Do you go out?

I think you would be better off getting your self more stable in financial and social terms,rather than being in a relationship. I think this relationship as it stands (with him out of work) doesn't really have a future. Your first step is probably to face this fact head on. Do you have friends? Family to support you?

[ImperialBlether]

It must be really expensive for you to have to pay for his train ticket and all the other costs involved when he visits. I'm sure that's money that you could be spending on yourself and your family. Does it feel as though you've somehow binged that money, as though you've gambled it or something like that, so you've spent it all and it's completely wasted?

[NImom]

I feel good emotionally all month aprt from when he leaves, the second day i feel really vulnerable yes your right HandyWoman there could be an unhealthy attachment here.

We go out to coffee places, museums, musicals (all paid for by me) but he does pay for hat he can and isnt miserly. He's got everything I want in a person and in a man apart from MONEY!! That's the way it seems to me anyway. I dont thinkhe'll get a job easily - he's 54 now and Im 48.

I do have friends yes, and family live locally so I am fine there.
I can't see a changed future either but I cant break up with him just becasue there's not enough money between us can I?

[HandyWoman]

Yes, you can. You have your dc prioritise. Quite simply, in this situation, love is not enough.

[NImom]

ImperialBlether , no i dont feel like Ive gambled the money, and it doesnt feel like its wasted. My sons haave money put intot their accounts each month are are ok financially. They get all they need and want form their dad in that way. But youre right, I do feel something though about spending the money and I can't put my finger on it. We dont always go to the west end etc , we usually just stay home.

[NImom]

HandyWoman, love is not enough you say. All you need is love by the beatles is a load of rubbish then lol....Im feeling fine can laugh this week. But the pain hits in every month/3weeks. My DS.s are 19yrs and 14yrs. Oldest one going to Uni in Sept.

[bluecashmere]

Does he even want the relationship to change? Or is be quite happy to live his life and have a nice all expenses paid break every few weeks?

Sorry to sound so negative but it feels to me like this relationship can't move on. Do you want years more of this?

I think that often people get into long distance relationships because they serve a specific purpose (even if they don't realise it themselves).

I imagine you can't shake the feeling you're investing more in this relationship than he is.

[NImom]

Thanks bluecashmere. I think he is quite happy now to live his life like this. It does look like the relationship cant move on. I feel sort of cheated, and as though Im doing something worng if I just leave things as they are .

Yes the relationship probably is serving a purpose because I dont think Id want him living with me , not while I have a teenager at home. If we lived on our own in a nice house/flat in the future then yes Id be happy.

I suppose it does sound like Im investing more in this that he is. Emotionally too I mean.

[HandyWoman]

Absolutely, NImom

When you have dependents (and even when you don't), love is not enough, the Beatles were wrong. A partner needs to offer something roughly equal in order for the relationship to feel Ok. When he isn't there you can't avoid the fact that you are left in debt, emotionally and financially. This 'relationship' is pure unhealthy escapism for you.

[NImom]

Really HandyWoman - it's escapism for me? Oh.
We do go on Skype every day too.
The only problem we have is lack of money to set him up in London, that's what i thought was the problem.

Ok, he offers me great emotional support, or rather he has done - two years ago I was going through a crisis with my mother and siblings over my true allegations of sexual abuse by my maternal grandad. DP was my rock at that time, and I could never thank him enough for that.

Relations with my family are much better now, everything was swept under the carpet and they started to talk to again after giving me the silent treatment for 18 months.

What do you/other mumsnetters think now?

[whitershadeofpale]

It sounds like he was a tremendous support to you at that time, nothing can take away from that.

However, you're not happy now; you want more. He needs to find a way to develop the relationship, or else this is your life, supporting him, feeling ill, wasting your life away for a few days of happiness a month.

Maybe a touch of pop psychology here but the fact you're prepared to talk to your family after their appaling behaviour, no apologies and jaut sweeping things under the carpet would suggest you have low self esteem and are prepared to settle for crumbs.

You deserve so much more.

[HandyWoman]

Ok. So, if it's only the money that's wrong - then instead of going out for coffee, paying for expensive train tickets and west end musicals, why aren't you both deciding to actually put this money away and save for a deposit on a place for him?

He was working for the first two years of your relationship. How were things different then?

[NImom]

Whitershadeofpale, thank you...Yes ive been told by a prof. that i have low self esteem although it doesnt feel like i have. What more do I deserve, if I love him?

My family would never have talked to me again and I feel i would have almost died if they hadnt. It's a big Irish family. COusins were involved and I wasnt invited to so many occasions. I think I decided to let it go becaseu my sons were missing out on extended family, and gatherings, parties.

Things werent much different when he was working HandyWoman, I suppose he paid for more for himself. He's not really any worse off being unemplyoed actually.

[whitershadeofpale]

You deserve a partnership. Not to have it being one way, you deserve to be able to share a life with someone and envision a future together.

[champagneplanet]

Id have a real problem with the fact that he does not work and let's you pay. Unless he's wealthy or not fit to work. Why would he struggle to get a job at 54? If he was prepared to do any job then I'm sure he'd get one and be able to contribute.

Having said that I'm of the opinion that if something is meant to be then it will. Money absolutely isn't everything but a partnership is all about being equal.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Why hasn't he worked for two years?

[Grannypants1]

A long distance relationship can only work if there is an end in sight. Long distance relationships are usually short amounts of time together which are fairly positive because you it is almost like a honeymoon, a rare treat. But until you actually live together and see if it can work day to day it isn't a real life partnership is it? More like a hobby. Do you ever see a time when you can take it to the next level? And what is he doing to ensure he can contribute to this relationship both in effort and financially? It seems unfair that you are supporting to kids and his visitations.

[SilkScarf]

Just binned a long distance relationship. Neither of us could move. I have DC who need to see their father are happy settled at secondary school, I have a reasonable job and he lives in Ireland and has a pretty good legal carrier which has taken decades to built up. I understand what you are going through. He was the perfect man for me but unfortunately the distance just proved too much in the end. For what it is worth don't think I would do long distance again. We both believed we could make it work. Lesson learnt.

[Goodadvice1980]

So OP, he visits a few days a month (with you paying travel expenses), you then pay for everything else & he gets sex on tap. He isn't a boyfriend, he's a giggilo!

You deserve better.

[NImom]

Champagneplanet - sorry he 58, i made a typing error back there. Yes, so in the workforce his age isnt attractive.

I didnt mean for this to sound as though i do all the paying, he is very quick to pay for dinners for us for example, it's just that he's out of work so he has less money than me.

OMG a giggilo! i laughed then felt depressed at that comment, no he is not a giggilo Goodadvice1980

SilkScarf why did you decide to split, was it money reasons? - the traveling expenses/hotels . Were you together for a long time and had you made any plans?

We did have an end in sight Grannypants; we were going to move to Ireland, I was buying a house, but my kids would not leave London so that was the end of that, however, we can still do that when DS2 goes to Uni in 4 yrs time.

I somehow feel suddenly very immature while answering the messages.

[SilkScarf]

Nlmom, no it wasn't money although I don't really want to add up what we have spent on travel expenses etc over the last 6 months..
I don't know how "real" long distance relationships are tbh..
The times we spent together were wonderful and yes it was awful to say goodbye each time and start planning yet another weekend. But it is also very far romped from normal live. Coming home to each other every day. The moans and groans of everyday life. I don't think one really gets that in a long distance relationship.
The reason car out breakup was that those limited times we spent together (twice a month) was no longer enough. It became to frustrating. I want the normal stuff such as being able to pick up the phone during the day and make dinner plans, cinema etc.
I simply could not uproot my kids. They have a life here, school, friends, their father (who is an ass but still their father). Even if the DC were older would I move away to another country away from where my kids' home to be with a man??? Absolutely not...
I know it is hard but try to look at it with a large dose of " unromantic realism"...

[NImom]

thank you SilkScarf , unromantic realism is a good start! Think i'll do a list.

I wouldnt move away from my children no matter their ages actually. I want a forever home for me and my Ds's but where the heck does he fit in ever

Yes, i know what youre saying , the phone calls and dinner for that night,
sometimes i find myself looking around and saying "well F this anyway, he's not here" because i wanted to quickly tell him something . I hate the phone and Skype, am sick of the unreal.

I would like to let him go if i thought my family wouldnt do the same thing to me again if i say the wrong thing. I do feel that i depend on him for emotional support and he is the same with me...maybe...actually im sure he could cope well without me.
Are we even a couple? It has been four years of this.

[StirredNotShaken]

I'm in a long distance relationship too. AT first the main appeal was that he was far away enough not to impinge on my daily life (and me, his). He has a business and outside interests and I have a family and a life here. We are about 2.5 hrs away and see one another between once and twice a month (overnights). At first it was perfect. He is the best man I have met in terms of his outlook and tolerance of how I live my life etc. He adores me, is attentive, caring, supportive etc. But now I question whether it is enough. We get along because we are not investing that much in one another. Is that why? If so, are we selling ourselves short? I recently had a wobble and almost erred with another man (ex, first love, life long friend type thing). But I stayed faithful because I realised it was just a) wrong and b) temporary excitement. I know i am basically flawed in the relationship department having been in an extremely difficult and controlling marriage (now widowed) so I know my independence is something I value above anything else. but I have to ask myself - as should you - is it to the detriment of a real, committed and full on relationship.