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Have I over reacted??

(31 Posts)
fairydustandpixies Sat 13-Aug-16 21:17:53

Desperate for some MN grounding! Sorry this is long. Me and DP have been together for a year and a half, not living together, each have two DS each. He is super close to his exp (who has remarried) and his parents adore her. We're both in our 40's.

Tomorrow is a 70th birthday party for the ILs (if you can call them that because we're not married). I've never met the exp, she is very 'territorial' on social media with my DP and I just feel very uncomfortable about the idea of meeting her. I have MH issues, depression and anxiety which have recently been triggered by issues with my eldest DS. I'm back on ADs. I struggle to even leave the house for work, let alone social things.

So, I asked DP if his exp was going to the party tomorrow earlier in the week. He said he didn't know. I asked if he could please find out so I can get my anxiety levels under control as it's better to know either way. He said to just assume she was going. I said I'd rather know for sure.

DPs phone has been going mad all evening and he was hiding it from me. He went to the loo and I'm ashamed to say I read his messages and there was a few from this woman I'd never heard of before. When he came back down his phone didn't alert anymore so I sent him three messages from my phone - boo, is your phone on, why is your phone on silent? He was sat next to me - he'd turned his phone on silent.

Anyway, eventually he read my messages, said his phone was just turned down low (not!!) and then turned it round on me and said it was is exp about the party tomorrow and she's going and he didn't know how to tell me. I said he was lying and asked him who the other woman was.

He's now left and gone home. I asked him to stay so we can talk it through, he blamed me for everything, I said he lied to me by not answering me truthfully. He was so angry with me and he never has been before. But I did catch him out and I think it was self defense to be angry. I don't know who this other woman is, I've no reason to suspect him for anything, he's an amazing guy. I've always been insecure about the relationship he has with his exp especially as my DCs DF fucked off 14 years ago and we've heard nothing from him since.

So here I am, I have no idea who this other woman is, he's blaming me when he's clearly at fault so has run away and I'm in bits.

Not sure what I'm expecting you to say, just that I'm so upset. I'm not even sure what I'm most upset about, the OW texts or him hiding that the exp is going tomorrow. We've never had a situation like this before, I have abandonment issues identified in therapy and suicidal tendencies. Just trying to vent on here instead of doing something stupid as a reaction.

Just want to say you're an amazing group of people and I get so much strength from you all xx

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Aug-16 21:29:15

You can do better than this, OP. You're on ADs partly because of this guy. You don't know whether you're coming or going. His family wishes he was with someone else. They don't welcome you. His ex is a nightmare. He's carrying on with another woman.

I think if you dump him you will find your need for ADs reduces and your tension will disappear.

flowers to you - sorry you're involved with such a twat.

fairydustandpixies Sat 13-Aug-16 21:31:36

Thank you. I needed to hear that I guess. I really thought this guy was the one. How bloody wrong I was. Again!

Pearlman Sat 13-Aug-16 21:32:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose Sat 13-Aug-16 21:34:51

You didn't overreacte. He sounds untrustworthy, I think you can do alot better.

bluebeck Sat 13-Aug-16 21:39:45

You have not over reacted, not at all.

I agree with Imperial I reckon your anxiety levels will reduce massively once you have kicked this lying tossbag to the kerb.

Just concentrate on yourself, on feeling well, on being the best mum you can be. That is plenty for now. flowers

fairydustandpixies Sat 13-Aug-16 21:44:42

Thank you. It's awful, I didn't date for years before meeting him and attempting to trust again. I wish I'd never bothered now. I really thought I could trust this guy but clearly not. My heart is broken but hey, been here before! Feel sorry for my two DS who will have no role model of what a real, committed relationship is like. They're 16 and 17 and I've brought them up alone for 14 years, it's taken a lot to date again and now it's all gone wrong. I shouldn't have bothered.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Aug-16 21:48:13

You teach them a good lesson if you talk to them about it and tell them that you're not putting up with any crap. That's the best lesson they can learn at that age.

Treat that guy like the dress rehearsal - something always goes wrong and the real show will be great.

Make sure you dump him, too, before he gets the chance to do it - wipe the smile off his face.

FreeFromHarm Sat 13-Aug-16 21:48:33

Dump Block ....relax deserve better x

FreeFromHarm Sat 13-Aug-16 21:52:59

He got angry because he has been found out showed his true colours, massive red flag, you have had a lucky escape trust me, the b'stard...... well done for finding out sooner rather than later not listen to the tears and lies. Stay strong

fairydustandpixies Sat 13-Aug-16 21:59:41

I've just summed up briefly to DS2 who is very pragmatic but who wants the fairy tale ending. I've told him love is so important but self esteem and preservation is more so. Never be a doormat and you're always worth a trip to the moon and back (story of choice from when him and DS1 were little!). DS1 is at a gf family party so he won't find out til later.

We're supposed to be going on holiday in two weeks as a combined family in two weeks. Guess that won't be happening now. But I have the booking details... ;)

FreeFromHarm Sat 13-Aug-16 22:06:02

Fairy, you will brush yourself off and move on , you are stronger now and you never want to be with someone who cheats and lies, the worst kind of relationship, trust me it may feel awful, but you have had a lucky escape.
You can be rest assured someone decent is out there for you

fairydustandpixies Sat 13-Aug-16 22:06:22

Thank you Imperial and FreeFrom. Feeling stronger - atm! I expect I'll hear from him at some point, feel a bit sick about that. I did think he was the one :'(

I'm going to bed now with a large glass of neat vodka. I'll deal with the meds thing on Monday and expect you're totally right that this has been brought on by the ex situation.

Thank you lovely people xxxx I'll keep you updated xxx

Marilynsbigsister Sat 13-Aug-16 22:07:42

Go OP, Go with your two dcs and have a wonderful time. As pp said, this was a dress rehearsal. Don't feel bad that your boys haven't had a 'role model' relationship to follow. You have given them an incredible life lesson on how to have self respect. THAT is the best lesson of all. Be really proud of yourself .wine

WeekendAway Sat 13-Aug-16 22:13:37

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone Sat 13-Aug-16 22:14:46

Feel sorry for my two DS who will have no role model of what a real, committed relationship is like. They're 16 and 17 and I've brought them up alone for 14 years, it's taken a lot to date again and now it's all gone wrong. I shouldn't have bothered

Sounds to me like YOU are their role model & YOU are totally committed to THEM so that's all that matters right now. You sound fab!
I came out of a relationship a few months ago where an ex was strutting around in the backround. Did my head in. Multiplied my anxiety & insecurities. Finding me again now.

FreeFromHarm Sat 13-Aug-16 22:17:05

sleep tight, block him, then he won't mess with your mind, be proud x

fairydustandpixies Sat 13-Aug-16 22:20:36

Thank you Marilyn! And everybody!! You've all made me so determined and despite that I'm crying with frustration and anger and its just so awesome that I know me and DCs are worth so much more!! I really hope it is a dress rehearsal and I hope they've learnt how not to be treated.

I've not heard from dp yet (he doesn't deserve capital letters or the d!) but we all know he''ll creep out of the woodwork eventually. I'll keep you updated.

Seriously though - thank you. I don't how I would have managed without you all. I'm so in bits but you're keeping me together!!

SandyY2K Sat 13-Aug-16 22:25:35

You aren't overeating at all.

I think it's terrible that people carry on like this, when they have gotten close to your kids.

You know he stormed off because he was lying and hiding something.

AyeAmarok Sat 13-Aug-16 22:32:56

Another agreeing you're not overreacting at all. He's deflecting, typical guilty behaviour. And emotionally manipulative too.

I also wholeheartedly agree that you'll probably find that in a few months, you find that your anxiety and depression lifts somewhat when this guy is no longer in your life.

Enjoy your holiday with your two sons. Be proud of yourself for knowing you're worth more than being treated really shabbily.

fairydustandpixies Sat 13-Aug-16 22:43:56

Just thank you. That's all! I knew what you all were going to say and writing it down in black and white makes it real. I just love him so much and this really hurts but I'm going NC, he's not contacted me since he stormed out, I'm still in bits, but I know I can bloody do this!!
I have the holiday details so I'll take my DC away in a couple of weeks. More than happy to pay him his share back if he asks but I'm not going to contact him.
I'm so, so, so in bits. Need to pull myself together, not text him. I'm going to delete his number so I won't be tempted. So upset. And breathe...
Will get to the quacks this week as my meds aren't that great and I suspect you're all right in that I won't need them when I'm over him.
Thank you xx

AyeAmarok Sat 13-Aug-16 22:47:20

More than happy to pay him his share back if he asks

Nah, don't bother! Use the money to go somewhere really fun with your two DS when you're there that you might not have done otherwise.

It's his fault he's not going, for being an untrustworthy bastard. So don't bother giving him the money. If he starts texting pestering you about it, just block him.

TheNaze73 Sat 13-Aug-16 23:02:16

You're totally doing the right thing OP. If someone is capable of that after only 18 months, it says all you need to know flowers

Msqueen33 Sat 13-Aug-16 23:26:19

Sorry to hear this. I think when people get very angry it's normally out of guilt. He could have calmly said something, shown you the messages and reassured you instead he's gotten angry and stormed off.

user1469553305 Sun 14-Aug-16 00:16:15

So sorry OP but it sounds like you have had a very lucky escape. I also second that you have been a fantastic role model to your children. See GP about meds, then look forward to that lovely sunshine on hols with your fantastic children. flowers

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