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How am I supposed to actually leave?

(23 Posts)
purplespots1 Sat 13-Aug-16 14:40:43

On the surface some might think I'm out of my mind for wanting to leave my husband and home. We live comfortably in a 6 bed house 2 cars no worries.

Expect for my husband has emotionally/mentally controlled and abused me for many years. A couple of days ago during an argument I slammed a door as he walked away he used this as justification to scare me shitless and force his way into the room screaming that I'm not the only one who can be violent, I honestly thought as he pushed me on the bed I was going to be hit, I was terrified. A few years ago just out of the blue he calmly told me that he could punch me in the face and nobody would know. I couldn't work out if he was joking or threatening me. Luckily until recently I didn't feel physically afraid. The emotional/mental abuse drove me to depths that I didn't believe possible. It's true nobody would know if he hit me and nobody knows how he mentally abuses me this is because I have no friends or family, I have nobody. He controls the money, I have to justify my case if I need money for anything but food shopping. I am a SAHM, all childcare is down to me which makes it extremely difficult to get a job, something I've been belittled about. I worry that my children will grow up believing that this is how relationships work.

I know we would be happier/healthier apart but how can I do it. When on the surface it looks like I have money but in reality I don't. I've got nobody to turn to. My husband knows this so laughs when I say I've had enough and want to leave. He taunts me that I haven't got any better options. I worry about making my children leave schools they only started a year ago, my oldest has Aspergers so change is very unsettling. Is there anyone out there who has been in a similar situation and come out the other side?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sat 13-Aug-16 14:47:30

The first thing to do would be to contact women's aid and get some advice from them.

They can help in all sorts of ways whether it's emotional support or practical help.

You could get a space in a refuge with your children or they could help you find a property to rent and help you sort benefits etc out.

flowers op, it's a shit existence in that situation.

bluecashmere Sat 13-Aug-16 15:07:26

There is always a way. It's his behaviour that has left you in a state where you feel there isn't a way out as you have no confidence. A call with Women's Aid will definitely help.

springydaffs Sat 13-Aug-16 15:57:33

Contact Women's Aid. They are THE experts in this and will show you the way out. Their advice and support are second to none. Thank God for Women's Aid!

Tel 0808 2000 247. Call at night if you can bcs lines busy during the day (that tells toy something..). What he is doing is a criminal offence re coercive control law. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse.

Get all documents together eg bank statements, passports, birth certificates; every financial document you can find. Is he self-employed?

Women's Aid will guide you through all the steps. You are in a much stronger position that you realise with considerable options.

DO NOT TELL HIM what you are planning. In fact be/stay compliant so he doesn't suspect.

You can do this. Many of us have and have come out the other side flowers

purplespots1 Sat 13-Aug-16 16:06:48

Thanks for the advice, husband went out for an hour so I tried calling women's aid, unfortunately no answer and he's back now. Will try again when I can. I need a path out of this.

Greenandmighty Sat 13-Aug-16 16:20:24

Purplespots, all good advice given here. Please call WA again and wishing you strength with your situation. flowers

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sat 13-Aug-16 16:24:19

You could email them if it's safe to do so. They can also talk by text (they can organise a password so they know it's definitely you) once you've established contact with them.

Please stay safe and don't hesitate to call the police if need be.

i8sum314 Sat 13-Aug-16 16:26:29

That was me 9 years ago.
You CAN do it.
Leave i mean.
Get a separate account, pay pal & ebay.
ebay everything you can .
i left with na rucksack but i did have a bit of money squirrelled away that he didnt know about
i dont regret leaving of course but i regret that i didnt ask for help. I couldnt label it abuse.. because that would have made me a victim, temporarily.
id suggest you label it abuse and ask WA for help. The status of 'victim' passes quicker if you have a leg up, legal aid and emotional support, as well as freedom and safety.

i8sum314 Sat 13-Aug-16 16:28:53

Agree dont tell him.
act normal.
mine attacked me physically the morning i left.
I had wanted to just stroll off like id be back but he figured it out.
Dont do anything outside of your normal routine when he is around.
can you store a bag of clothes somewhere?

i8sum314 Sat 13-Aug-16 16:30:01

Ps im glad you rang WA
Keep trying.

FreeFromHarm Sat 13-Aug-16 17:19:52

You can do this,
Make sure while it is clear in your head ( it will be hard) write down everything in a book of all the incidents that have occurred keep it well hidden ok.
Do you have a friend close by you can trust and store things .....
if you can... if you can you will need, all the documents you can get your hands on, passport etc
You have taken the first step....everything is going to be ok x

springydaffs Sun 14-Aug-16 18:14:16

Nothing wrong with being a victim, i8sum. It is just a fact and doesn't need anything added to it. Nothing to do with the victim, all to do with the abuser.

Try your local WA tomorrow. Better chance of getting through.

I can't stress enough how straightforward it is to do this, to leave. Womens Aid will show you how to get everything sorted and planned without his knowledge. You are in a strong position legally and should be eligible for a very tidy settlement. You don't say whether he is self-employed, which is more complex - even more vital to get as many legal/financial documents copied and hidden out of the house (Womens Aid will offer to store them for you or suggest where you can keep them).

ime I got the family home until the youngest finished his first degree. You may not need a 6-bed house but you will be in a strong position for eg the house to be sold and you and kids buy a house in the area to minimise disruption. However, if the move would be too disruptive for your dc with aspergers, it may be you will be awarded the house until s/he is at least 18, if not older. As I said, you are in a very strong position legally and financially.

Womens Aid will suggest you do the Freedom Programme and I strongly recommend this. Maybe further down the line when your exit strategy has wheels.

You can do this. He has NO IDEA how strong your position is. When you find out you will be delighted!

springydaffs Sun 14-Aug-16 18:15:57


IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 14-Aug-16 18:34:05

Firstly as above poster said. Don't tell him or give any signals you are leaving. It will give you less freedom to leave.
Keep phoning woman's aid. flowers

i8sum314 Sun 14-Aug-16 18:46:09

Springydaff brew I know that absolutely but I think while I was still with my abusive x I felt like I was 'enduring' it and therefore not a victim and that if I put it out there I'd be a victim. I see now that this just held me stuck on the hamster wheel for years.

I can't believe sad that the op has not got through to WA yet. So demoralising. Keep trying tomorrow indeed, and as springy says, definitely don't let on. Keep doing what you normally do.

springydaffs Sun 14-Aug-16 19:41:59

It's a shame the BBC can't tag the Archers domestic abuse storyline with suggestions for donations to Womens Aid...

darth23 Wed 17-Aug-16 22:27:41

I still haven't been able to contact women's aid. Life isn't great at the moment, feel like I'm putting on a show for the kids. Husband just blanks and sneers at me. It's humiliating. I tried to talk to him but I soon gave up once he began raising his voice, I don't want to wind him up.

I'm scared about the future, will I ever get out of this and my children be happy. Do I just carry on and keep putting up with this for an 'easy' life? Am I being selfish? It's just so hard mentally. Really drags me down.

i8sum314 Thu 18-Aug-16 00:34:27

no, you're not being selfish.
your life is not a sacrifice to somebody else's convenience!
my kids are happy.

Lillygolightly Thu 18-Aug-16 01:11:50

You are NOT being selfish in fact you are being very brave...take a moment and give yourself credit for that! You are strong enough to know that this life is not the life you and your children deserve, you deserve much better you deserve a safe and loving environment. Houses, cars and money don't mean shit if your living a life of fear and repression, all it's means is that it's dressed up pretty but that doesn't mean that it's not still ugly.

Sometimes making the right choice is the hardest and scariest thing but take comfort in the fact that you are doing what is right for you and your children.

I know the unsettling knot in your stomach you feel right now, I know that nagging pulling feeling that just sits there and won't go away. That's the feeling of knowing you have to make a change, to take control, to leave and is scary as hell. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff with s raging fire behind you and knowing you have to jump.

If it helps at all to know, my life was a lot like yours just a few weeks ago. It looked all pretty on the outside but full of desperation and misery on the inside. When I got to the point of really not caring whether I lived or died was when I knew I had to go. Like you will have to be, I had to be smart, calculating and keep up the status quo and then one day I left without a word. It was scary and it still is scary and sometimes I'm doubtful of how I will do all this on my own. What I do know without doubt is that my life is better and will continue to get better and that a scared as I am I know I will survive.

I would say having been through it and still going through it that where you are now is the hardest part. Once you start taking action it does get easier and with each little step freedom comes closer. Leaving seems impossible and massive but like any large and difficult task you have to take it one small step at a time.

Make yourself a mental list like tomorrow you will ring WA and then the day after check your entitlements on the benefits calculator and then after that set up a secret bank account etc etc. They are all small steps but in the end they add up and they strengthen both your resolve and your position for leaving. Don't let the weight and size of it get you down just take it day by day little by little until you are FREE!

It's your choice to make and only you can make it, just know that there is lots of support out there if you do.

I wish you then best of luck flowers

Edie30 Thu 18-Aug-16 02:27:52

You're not alone OP. You can do this. WA will help you.
The fear is your body's way of telling you that's he dangerous. (The gift of fear.)
Ea is so insidious and soul destroying. He sounds horrific.
Be kind to yourself.
Again, you're not alone Purple flowers

Edie30 Thu 18-Aug-16 02:57:09


"I have no friends or family, I have nobody"

You have us.

Atenco Thu 18-Aug-16 03:21:08

And as you have an abusive husband, I am sure the only reason you don't have friends is because he has isolated you. So you have a lot to look forward to once you get out of this situation.

springydaffs Thu 18-Aug-16 23:45:20

Try your local Womens Aid .

Or national helpline 0808 2000 247 at night. Lines aren't as busy at night.

You're not selfish. You are giving your kids the best chance to have healthy adult relationships in the future. You are rescuing your kids from a hellish home xx

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