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I'm right aren't I?

(19 Posts)
Fudgemuffin87 Sat 13-Aug-16 09:38:00

Quick bit of history....
Been with dh over a decade, married 3 years and a young 2 year old daughter.
Just over a year ago dh had an affair with a colleague. Pretty sure it didn't go as far as sex and I ended up catching it after the initial physical incident so it didn't go on for long (doesn't excuse it at all I know)
Since then we have struggled. Dh has been made redundant and is now not working and we have had a lot of ups and downs. It's funny how tough life gets when you can't afford to do anything.
We are still working through our issues as clearly we have some problems.
Anyway I find myself thinking a lot about a colleague at work. Nothing will happen, he is happily engaged with several children and most definitely sees me as nothing more than a colleague.

Im already planning a career change and looking for another job in the hope that I can make changes to improve my life whilst also working on our marriage so if this pans out I'll no longer be working with said colleague.

Am i right that it's just me longing for some excitement and to feel really wanted by someone after the year we have gone through.
I know that this is highlighting the issues we have in our marriage and assume that until these issues are resolved whatever job I have I will end up thinking this way about a colleague as it's my mind and heart telling me things aren't right and I want a better life.

HandyWoman Sat 13-Aug-16 09:44:27

You've had a very tough year. And are probably craving a more simple relationship without all the messiness and difficulty (including financial - this colleague is employed for a start) that he represents.

Colleague just represents a lot for you right now. Has your dh been at pains to restore trust in your relationship? How do you feel
About him a year on? I don't know if I could get over an affair, it would be a long, hard road so it's not surprising you are struggling. I wonder if by thinking 'well I'm planning to leave my job anyway' you are running away from your own feelings. You don't describe what they are.

flowers for you.

SandyY2K Sat 13-Aug-16 10:15:59

Once you get betrayed you can loose that feeling for your partner and end up thinking you deserve better - which you do.

You need a boost to make you feel wanted, as a betrayal can knock your self esteem right down. This colleague isn't available though and you don't want to do what your DH did.

If you guys didn't do the work to repair things. If he wasn't and isn't remorseful/being fully transparent and if he hasn't discovered why he did it, I can further understand why you feel this way.

RedMapleLeaf Sat 13-Aug-16 10:29:28

I think that at first the thought of leaving and how much that would change your life is too much to bear. So some people don't. Then after a while you realise that the thought of staying and nothing changing is too much to bear.

Fudgemuffin87 Sat 13-Aug-16 10:31:07

I feel frustrated at dh as I've compromised a lot for our relationship and actually most of the past decade has been for him to make progress in his life and for him to be settled.
I have had to give up things I didn't want to but did because I loved him and essentially chose him over other things. Now life is tough and I've lost confidence in myself and it feels like the life I dreamed of hasn't happened.
Im focused on doing everything we can to repair our relationship but we need to strip it back to see why it went wrong etc.
There are reasons people have affairs, it's not right but you need to fix the cause as much as the cheater fixes themselves.

Don't really have many to speak to in RL as darent tell my sister as she will never be able to look at him in the same way again and should we fix our marriage I don't want that tension to be there.

I would never cheat as the guilt would be too much to handle so it's not a future concern on my part, but I guess that I am running away from how bad our relationship is right now. I don't think he sees hoe bad it is and therefore isn't forthcoming on making repairs as hr just thinks we are making progress as we are.

He doesn't want to go to counselling (he's not that type of person) but I also don't feel he is doing enough to find work. He's depressed though so its difficult to know how hard I can push.

Tbh I have wanted a career change for a long time so it was always on the cards.

category12 Sat 13-Aug-16 10:32:32

^ This (redmapleleaf)

RedMapleLeaf Sat 13-Aug-16 10:38:02

There are reasons people have affairs, it's not right but you need to fix the cause as much as the cheater fixes themselves.

I disagree. There are many reasons that relationships falter and things get tough. There's only one person responsible for using that as an excuse for cheating though.

Don't really have many to speak to in RL

And how's that working for you? Making you feel isolated and lost? Or that you're slowly losing your mind?

I don't think he sees hoe bad it is and therefore isn't forthcoming on making repairs as hr just thinks we are making progress as we are.

Don't kid yourself.

He doesn't want to go to counselling (he's not that type of person)

Not what kind of person? One who wants to a relationship with you?

Fudgemuffin87 Sat 13-Aug-16 11:27:21

I think in our relationship we were having issues before the affair occurred. It's not the same in all relationships I agree totally,but in ours I can see where the affair started. It's no excuse at all but it's highlighted both problems our relationship has as well as his problems.

From discussions I genuinely think he thinks things are getting better. Maybe that's because I appear to be coping well and have tried not to let it ruin us.

He clams up. Isn't a talker. I think he'd go to counselling but it's his last resort. He definitely doesn't want to split up I know that.

The no people in RL sucks! Yes I'm isolated and that further frustrates me.
A lot of people feel for him and want to help him because of his redundancy and unemployment but I have to struggle through alone as only 2 other people know what happened.

Fudgemuffin87 Sat 13-Aug-16 11:29:25

I just want reassurance that my thoughts for the colleague are most likely part of the situation and a manifestation of my insecurities from the past year.

HandyWoman Sat 13-Aug-16 11:40:01

OP, you are keeping this misery a secret from people around you who can give you support. To protect him

It sounds like this is the latest in a long line of things you have denied yourself over the years, for him and what has he done?

He has let you down. He continues to let you down in this relationship by not meeting you in the middle with the repair work that needs to happen. He won't talk, won't go to therapy. Isn't working towards a share view of your relationship going forward. You are
Both following parallel lines, and you are miserable.

Fuck that.

I would highly, highly, highly recommend you go to see a shit hot counsellor. On your own. To work out why you think you deserve so little.

I get that he's unemployed and having a difficult time. These are just grown up life issues. Hard but that's life. The fact is he chose to start an affair. He chose that. This is a particular piece of mess that he made. And you don't have to feel happy just because you're still together. In fact I fail to see how you could feel happy in this situation.

You don't have to keep his secret, you can talk to people and tell them that you are struggling to rebuild your relationship because of his affair.

SandyY2K Sat 13-Aug-16 12:08:34

You shouldn't hide how you feel to him. If he's not a talker, he could read 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair ' by Linda Macdonald.

A WS has no idea the amount of hurt and pain they inflict on their spouse following an affair discovery.

I've seen many scoff when a BS compares it to being worse than the front line at war ....and that's from men in the armed forces .... who say at least in battle they knew who the enemy was.

●《Be honest with him.
● Both of you could do with letting the other know what constitutes a happy marriage/want you want your marriage to be like
● Look at how to get there

Fudgemuffin87 Sat 13-Aug-16 12:17:12

Maybe I do need to speak to more people. I struggle with hurting people or saying things that will make others dislike them (if they deserve it or not) I'm just "too nice"

I feel really bad about the thoughts that I have about this colleague (and a bit stupid like some teenager) even though I know inside it is just me feeling sad and having low self worth/self esteem and I'm just focusing on an idea that will make me feel better (because he's a nice person and has a stable job and clearly dotes on his partner and family)

Mittensonastring Sat 13-Aug-16 12:22:23

You seem desperately unhappy and yes I do think it's a little fantasy to take your mind off your actual issues. This is quite understandable and just makes you a regular human.

Sounds like you let him off quite lightly and everyone feeling sorry for him in the current situation is pissing you off. It would grind my gears if I was you. You are very much a really lovely person but why protect him? Why are so many women nice about things when their husbands have affairs. There isn't enough cutting up their favourite shirts and chucking paint stripper over their sports cars for my liking. I realise this isn't a measured adult response and am not recommending this.

Mittensonastring Sat 13-Aug-16 12:26:00

Yes your too nice for sure.

Fudgemuffin87 Sat 13-Aug-16 15:58:41

In hindsight I let him off too lightly as we pretty much had a few days of me being angry and then I sucked it up and moved on.
Now he thinks I should be over it as it's been a year but I don't think we ever dealt with it.
Maybe that's why I keep fantasising about the man at work. Because our issues aren't resolved.
I try and sit down and talk to dh but it's difficult and Im not sure he understands what I need from him. The answers I want etc.

timelytess Sat 13-Aug-16 16:03:50

There are reasons people have affairs, it's not right but you need to fix the cause as much as the cheater fixes themselves.
This is one of the most damaging lies people tell themselves about affairs. Affairs don't happen because something is wrong in the primary relationship. They happen because people like sex, think it will be fun and think they'll get away with it. The 'pick me' dance starts with the idea that 'you need to fix the cause'. The cause is a faithless partner, nothing more.

HuskyLover1 Sat 13-Aug-16 16:10:10

He broke your marriage vows first. He broke it. You've now had a year "stewing" on this. He hasn't really made amends.

Now he is not in work, and unless he has become an overnight domestic goddess, making your life very easy, there's perhaps a bit of resentment there. You've been wronged by him, and you are the only bread winner and most likely keeping the house going.

This makes you far more susceptible to fantasising about other men. He's a cheat and probably turned in to a bit of a moper at home. Not attractive.

I doubt that anything will happen with your colleague, but I wouldn't be surprised if you do stray at some point, as you are already thinking about it. His fault really.

Fudgemuffin87 Sat 13-Aug-16 16:35:36

So do you think my stance on needing to fix a base cause in our relationship as I can see why the issues evolved to cheating is because of my personality type, my need to see a reason that can be fixed, my low self esteem?
I wonder why we each have a different view on it and what has led us to that.

Yes I think I have stewed over the past year which probably wasn't good.
We should have sorted things out straight away but I was feeling fragile and scared with an 18 month old.
I want to stay together and want to get back to a few years ago before all this happened.

I honestly don't think I'd stray. I'm much more a fantasy person but if anything actually came close in RL with anyone I wouldn't as the guilt would be too much.
I definitely think you should leave a relationship before cheating.

Resentment is there I think and that worries me as we need to move past it to survive.

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