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Has anyone been through DA in the past but come through it?

(33 Posts)
Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 07:44:25

I was married to my kids dad very young. The usual, treated me like a princess until we married and changed literally over night. I don't want to go into detail what happened but it went on a long time, didn't tell anyone. I had my 2 DC whom I adored and it was having them that gave me the courage to make him leave. They were 1 and 3. It was a horrific time. Finally got divorced, didn't really tell anyone what had happened during the marriage. Ds1 has ASD and I was asked so many times if he had been around DA and I said no I was too scared to say yes. He had contact EOW for couple years, again was such an awful time. He kept harassing me and being verbally abusive and again I was too scared to say anything. Anyway it turned out (I found out through his ex) he had hurt my kids and was aggressive and abuaive to them. Naturally I went absolutely beserk and refused all contact. His family were aggressive to me saying I was making all this up. But I didn't care.

I got married last year and it has already ended. We shouldn't have got married, I felt coerced into it like if I said no, no one else would want me. I feel guilty for putting my kids through yet another failed marriage. What sort of an example am I?! They are fine about this marriage ending as they weren't close, he didn't make an effort with them.

I'm feeling really low. Last night I had a horrific dream ex was doing really bad things to me. It was so so horrible. I know it's just a dream but so real. I can't get over what has happened to me my adult life. I was on anti depressants all the time I was married to him but I didn't tell the GP what was wrong, he just said I was depressed. I wasn't. I was given cbt but in theory I think it's great but can't apply it to myself. More anti depressants. I'm not close to my family but opened up to my dad about it. I don't qualify for any help for counselling on nhs so trying to find private one but it's so expensive. Sorry this is so long but I would love to hear from anyone who's been through similar and how you got through it? It's still affecting me now, I'm clearly still not over it. I worry about him turning up sometimes.

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 08:27:55


JudyCoolibar Sat 13-Aug-16 08:31:22

I'd suggest you have a look at the Relationships board.

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 08:41:32

I have asked for this to be moved across to relationships...

AnotherEmma Sat 13-Aug-16 08:45:49

Sorry to hear about what you've been through, OP flowers

I think you need to tell your GP that you were in an abusive relationship. You might find that they are able to offer you more options for counselling when they know the whole story.

You could also do the Freedom Programme which is free and which many women who have been in abusive relationships find helpful.

Lastly there might be charities or organisations near you that offer free or low cost counselling.

I think you can get through this but you need some professional help to heal. flowers

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 08:57:26

I did tell the gp eventually. Was referred to this mental health type department who spoke to me on the phone and said all they could offer was cbt but as Iv already done it I declined, they were fine with that as they said it doesn't work for everyone. I feel a lot of guilt toward the DC. I think I always will. I feel very screwed up to be honest. I will have a look at that freedom programme, thank you.

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 09:00:47

There is nothing on the freedom programme anywhere near me sad not sure how I would've done it anyway with the DC, no one to look after them and I wouldn't stay a night away from them eap ds1

AnotherEmma Sat 13-Aug-16 09:05:25

You can do the Freedom Programme online, I think there is a small cost, but it could well be worth it?

Also look at the Useful links on the Women's Aid website - under the heading "Survivors of abuse" they list organisations that offer support and counselling. There is a telephone counselling service which might be helpful if there isn't a local service near you on the list.

AnotherEmma Sat 13-Aug-16 09:06:11

Actually it's online counselling not telephone counselling. But hopefully still a good option.

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 09:07:25

Thanks Emma, I can't see anywhere you can do it online but perhaps that's because I'm looking on my phone? I spoke to women's aid and they were lovely but there is literally no help in my area. I didn't fit enough of a criteria and because it's quite rural where we are there's no help available. I guess I will have to try to find a private therapist who might accept a lower payment? The mental health people I rang said that may be a possibility.

AnotherEmma Sat 13-Aug-16 09:14:02

This is the online course, it's £10:

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 09:16:38

Thanks Emma. I feel like I want to be re programmed. A day doesn't go by that a thought or memory flashes through my head. I hate that he still makes me feel this way.

AnotherEmma Sat 13-Aug-16 09:21:09

You're welcome, hope you can find the right help and start feeling better soon.

Mindfulness can be helpful for anxiety and depression, and it might be helpful for recovery from traumatic experiences as well. That's something else you might consider. There are courses eg MBCT/MBSR and books eg The Mindful Way Through Depression.

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 09:24:01

I had a lot of online info from GP many years ago about mindfulness. I agree with it all I just can't apply it to myself. I read something and then agree then another voice in my head says no you can't do that or no it won't work. I don't mean I hear voices I mean that's what goes on in my head!

AnotherEmma Sat 13-Aug-16 09:36:39

The thing about both mindfulness and CBT is that you have to persevere. I found it easier when I had support. I've had CBT twice and it was invaluable to see the therapist and get her help to challenge the negative voices in my head. I also did a MBCT/MBSR course and again it was invaluable to go regularly and get reassurance from the course leader and other people on the course that I wasn't the only one struggling, and to get their tips on focusing on the positive thoughts rather than the negative ones.

That's just my experience anyway.

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 09:50:47

I couldn't face going to a group course. Sitting with strangers discussing my inner most thoughts made me feel physically sick, so we'll done to you for going to them!

GinAndSonic Sat 13-Aug-16 09:55:58

I did a group course for survivors of DA, not the freedom programme but an independent one created by a local womens center. I did it twice actually. I also had counselling with rape crisis, and then did some group work with them on what it means to be a survivor of rape / sexual violence, and how we live with that. If your situation involved sexual abuse then I recommend rape crisis. The counselling is one on one, not group.

AnotherEmma Sat 13-Aug-16 09:59:20

To be fair, at the mindfulness course no one had to say anything (there were a few people who didn't) and we were talking about how we got on with the meditation "homework", not necessarily sharing our innermost thoughts. It wasn't a group therapy session. The focus on the discussion was on the technique of mindfulness meditation, and challenges we had (motivating ourselves to actually do it was the main one!!)

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 11:18:53

I wasn't raped... In how I see the true sense of the word. But I had to have sex with him wether I wanted to or not. So almost consensual rape? I don't know. I don't see it how someone who had to literally try to fight someone off and kept saying no...

I just feel so stuck in a hole

LewisFanIsBack Sat 13-Aug-16 11:34:12

My ex coerced me into sex and removed protection half way through without my knowledge and I fell pg (I was extreeeemely naive) ... it was rape because I didn't want it, even though I didn't always say 'no' out loud.

It was 14 years ago and I was in therapy last year with a wonderful counselor who let me pay in instalments. It has helped amazingly ... I didn't think taking would do anything but it has somehow !

Take care of yourself and feel free to ask anything x

LewisFanIsBack Sat 13-Aug-16 11:36:27

Oh I forgot... there was a lot of other DA Inc log clung me in the house, verbal and emotional. Then escalated to physical so feel free to ask / talk about anything and also if you want to pm

LewisFanIsBack Sat 13-Aug-16 11:37:09

Ermine... locking ffs! Fat fingers on phone!

AnotherEmma Sat 13-Aug-16 11:39:01

Consensual rape is an oxymoron, love.
Rape = non-consensual sex.
It's a common myth that non-violent rape is not "real" rape. But if someone doesn't want sex, and they are too shocked or scared to physically resist or escape, it's still rape.
However, you might feel that "sexual coercion" is a more accurate description of your experience. You felt obliged to have sex against your will.

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 11:45:47

Thanks lewis I had just about everything. I was moved 300 miles away from all friends and family and I had no one. No one knew and I believed it was my fault. It was emotional to start, belittling me, I wasn't allowed to work so was in the house 24/7 and he stayed Out. Just got worse, verbal would start, I tried to leave but he physically stopped me. I was petrified. Made me feel inadequate ESP my body yet I had a great body back then, to this day I suffer severely with lack of confidence etc because of it. The sex as I mentioned above started quite quickly. We kept moving every 6 months 'for work' and I had no say in it. I hated it and had no friends at all . He would stay out getting drunk, going to strip clubs etc. Then the physical started, pinning me up against a wall, pushing me, throwing me etc but no one knew. Having my planned DC saved me. Ds1 showed me what love was, and I got pregnant quite quick with ds2 and both were very sick from birth in and out of hospital. I had to deal with I on my own. Then once I had ds2 I got this strength from somewhere, no way would I let him treat them like this so I told him to go. It was horrific, turning up, trashing house, throwing stuff at me etc I wish I had been strong enough to go to court though so he didn't then go on to be abusive to my babies sad I will always always hold that guilt. They are screwed up because of it.

Anothernamechanger1 Sat 13-Aug-16 11:46:49

Yeah I hear you Emma, I suppose I don't like to think of it that way? Makes it all even worse..

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