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Not sure why I'm upset? Need some hand holding

(19 Posts)
startingover231 Fri 12-Aug-16 22:22:45

I don't really know why I am so upset, but two of my children have just returned from visiting their dad for tea and told me he's set the date for his wedding to OW and she has asked them to be bridesmaids! I knew they were getting married, just not when. I wasn't bothered when I heard he'd proposed to her I had been expecting it, so why do I now feel I just want to sit and howl? I have been lucky enough to have a lovely new man in my life, after being devastated by XH's betrayal. I am happier than I have been for years but I feel so resentful that he is able to move on and I can't! My DP works too far away for us to live together and I can't move to be with him because of my DC having their lives here! My DD's are 23 and 17 and old enough to make their own decision about whether they want to be bridesmaids or not and I would never let them know how I feel, but I just feel so sad, is this normal or am I just being melodramatic? Has anyone else ever had the same problem?

springydaffs Sat 13-Aug-16 00:27:30

You're not sure why you're upset?!?

I was upset when my truly revolting exH married again - the revolting exH I left. His new wife was welcome to him, frankly (poor woman).

This turd cheated on you. Now he's marrying the skank woman he cheated on you with. Of course you're going to be upset. Completely normal.

Look after yourself. Lavish yourself with treats and loveliness flowers flowers

startingover231 Sat 13-Aug-16 06:36:56

Thanks springy for taking the time to reply, I suppose I just feel I shouldn't be getting upset now I'm happy with a new dp and she is welcome to him. I guess it was faced with the reality of them planning their wedding and my dc and some of our joint friends will be there 'celebrating ' his betrayal of all we held dear. Like there's no consequences to his actions..... He's moved on, sees his kids as a part time dad with none of the hassles of being a parent but I am stuck half in this old life because I can't move on. Because I would never abandon my kids, as much as I long to be with dp, and given that many kids are still living at home in their thirties now I can see no realistic way I will ever be able to start again. I feel so resentful....

TheNaze73 Sat 13-Aug-16 13:47:42

Is the problem highlighted for you because of the circumstances around your current relationship?

springydaffs Sat 13-Aug-16 15:33:15

Yes, everyone is moving on. It must bloody hurt when he destroyed all you had built together - and expected to go the long haul.

The end of a marriage is shit, regardless the circumstances - all that hope and promise come to nothing. It's so sad. Plus the plain INJUSTICE of what he's done. And now it looks like he's sailing off into the sunset.

Well let's hope his knob drops off.

And that wifey? How relaxed is she going to be that he won't stray? He's done it once; she watched him.

happypoobum Sat 13-Aug-16 15:51:24

Have some flowers and some cake

However, OP, your DC are getting older and it seems a bit of an "excuse" rather than an actual "reason" that you will never be able to move away. I probably wouldn't leave a 17 year old behind but over 18, it's their life and you are also entitled to yours.

Are you really into your new partner? If your DC went off to uni/work elsewhere would you be delighted and rush off to be with him or would you find another reason to stay?

I also hope his knob falls off. grin

springydaffs Sun 14-Aug-16 18:31:58

For various reasons, my kids are only just settled - and the youngest is 25.

I thought I'd take off the minute the youngest went to uni. It didn't pan out like that.

It takes a while to lose the mother role, even if they don't need you any more. But keep your eye on making that adjustment eventually...

madgingermunchkin Sun 14-Aug-16 18:41:41

I was expecting to read that your children were 15 and under.

You've every right to be upset, but you're using your kids as an excuse. They're old enough to stand on their own two feet (or at least be planning too, in the case of the 18 yr old.)

startingover231 Sun 14-Aug-16 22:39:11

I'm intrigued that anyone would think I was using my children as an excuse not to be with dp.... Are you really suggesting that when my youngest turns 18 that I say to her and my 23 year old, go fend for yourselves now I 'm moving to the other side of the county to be with dp? Their father abandoned them, how could I do the same? Do mothers really do that? Just walk away? Suggest to their DC they fly the nest and survive on their own? They might be old enough in theory to stand on their own two feet but neither earn enough money to leave home?
The naze- I do think you're right that the problem is highlighted because I don't feel I can move on , I do resent that..... But not enough to ask my kids to move out so I can move!
But yes happypoobum- without a doubt if they left home I'd be off like a shot! There is no question I'd find another excuse! They are not an excuse but my DC who still need a roof over their heads!

springydaffs Mon 15-Aug-16 00:01:06

You're right, op. You can't just chuck them out the minute they get to 18, or whatever.

You have to know they're settled. As I said, above, it has taken a while for me to feel my kids are settled - actually, for them to be settled. My kids have had some pretty momentous things to get through. Like you, I have been a LP and I couldn't just take off .. though I hoped I could, of course!

startingover231 Mon 15-Aug-16 08:39:14

Thanks springy I was starting to think I was coming across as a martyr to my kids! I just couldn't imagine turning nag round to them and saying I'm off! Just like their dad did! You don't stop being a parent just because they reach 18! (Unless you're a dad who ups and leaves!!!) for me there's little prospect my DD 's will go to uni so it's a case of encouraging independence! Which I am trying to do, but I can't see an end in sight atm!

Crispsheets Mon 15-Aug-16 08:46:03

I am planning to move 200 miles away when ds has gone to uni next year, to be with my partner.. .that will be DC's home.
Their father will still be's up to them where they spend their holidays.
If I waited till they finished uni I would be 60!!!!!

Bagina Mon 15-Aug-16 08:48:57

I've not been in your situation but if dh had an affair I would want him and other woman to be punished and marginalised by our friends and family. I would want them to be judged. A wedding legitimises their relationship and also involves everyone celebrating their relationship. I would hate that. I would feel irrationally (maybe) betrayed.

Keep enjoying your girls and your dp. You don't need to rush from marriage to marriage. I think these feelings will pass.

madgingermunchkin Mon 15-Aug-16 09:39:25

No one is expecting you to turf them out, but neither do they think it is reasonable for you to put your life on hold for adult children.

Start having conversations about the possibility of moving, what your options would be, what their options would be, how likely it is they would come with you.

Just because this is where their life is now, doesn't mean it is where their life will always be. Maybe they want you to start thinking about putting yourself first for a chance but just don't know how to tell you.

They are (or are just about to be adults) so you would not be abandoning them. They my be your children, but they aren't actually children anymore. They are capable of having adult conversations about what you would like to do with your life and what that may mean for them.

startingover231 Mon 15-Aug-16 10:58:31

Bagina- that is exactly how I feel! I can't imagine them 'celebrating ' their marriage in front of my children who also felt so betrayed by their dad. It's like they're celebrating their affair. But I feel bad for feeling resentful, , it isn't really a case of wanting to rush into another marriage just because XH is, it's more the feeling that I feel stuck atm like I couldn't move anyway, if that makes sense?
.. Madginger- I have talked to the DC about moving, and I do realise they're adult children now, but they still live with me due to financial constraints, moving would mean DD 23 having to leave a job she's worked really hard to get! So it does feel for me like I can't just move on like XH, that was my original point , that I feel like I'm the one being penalised for his crap behaviour! And it makes me feel resentful. New dp is lovey and we will eventually be together but not yet, which does make me sad.

Hotwaterbottle1 Mon 15-Aug-16 10:58:39

I'm assuming your DP cannot move to be with you?

ImperialBlether Mon 15-Aug-16 11:07:53

I felt the same, OP. I felt it was all "Weren't we lucky to have met?" when their meeting involved the destruction of a marriage.

What helped me was that he was unfaithful to her, too, before he and I split up. She doesn't know. He knows I know. That helped grin

EvaWild Mon 15-Aug-16 12:12:17

How much do you know? I mean, even though he's going to marry soon, perhaps deep inside he's suffering too, feeling guilty of what he did. I do believe you are not alone with similar feelings.

startingover231 Mon 15-Aug-16 16:45:14

Hotwaterbottle- unfortunately his work means he couldn't move to live with me atm.
EvaWild - I really do hope he is suffering! (Isn't that shameful?) but I doubt it, I know him so well after 27 years together! He won't be feeling one iota of guilt! He isn't capable of it..... Her on the other hand I know nothing about, so maybe she does/will feel guilty on her wedding day! Again , I do hope so! Their 'happiness' has been at great expense to a lot of other people, have you by any chance been someone's OW? Is that why you have sympathy?

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