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8 weeks pregnant with DC2 and fiance has left me

(10 Posts)
WhatIsHappening0 Fri 12-Aug-16 13:34:47

I'm a complete wreck and not sure what to do. I'm 8 weeks pregnant after suffering a MMC in may at 13.5 weeks. We both agreed to try again and we are due to marry in a years time - last night he told me he doesn't feel the same anymore, 'loves me but isn't in love with me' etc.
I have no idea how I will cope with a pregnancy on my own and coping with a newborn and a toddler. My last pregnancy was full of complications so I fear this one will be the same. We have been together 9 years and I just never saw this coming. Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to cope? If so, how?

magoria Fri 12-Aug-16 17:34:00

I would say the 'I love you but am not in love with you' is standard code for there is another woman. I don't want to upset you with the idea though.

There are a few other women on here who have been dumped/found out their other half was cheating when pregnant and had to go it alone.

Hopefully some of them will be along to help you.

He is still a dad. He cannot walk away from his responsibilities. Make sure he does as much as possible with your DC so that you can get as much rest for you and the baby as possible.

When you feel stronger try and cancel everything that is booked for the wedding to get back as much money as you can.

All you can do is take care of yourself. Tell everyone and accept/ask for help if you need it.

Try and cope hour by hour until it becomes day by day.

It will get better.

Pearlman Fri 12-Aug-16 18:25:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HughLauriesStubble Fri 12-Aug-16 18:40:07

Oh you poor thing OP flowers Has he given any indication recently of being unhappy or distant? Have you talked it over fully and asked exactly what he thinks the problem is? I agree with pp that it sounds suspicious. Have you got any support in rl?

WhatIsHappening0 Fri 12-Aug-16 18:55:15

Thanks for your replies. I'm 99% sure there is nobody else involved. He has a history of depression and has said that he feels very disconnected from everybody at the moment, including his family who he is very close to. He said he was happy to stay in the house for the sake of our Child so that it didn't disrupt her and has also suggested couples counselling.
I just don't know what to think at the moment. He has just been to collect some things but it was strange as it felt so normal and he was reluctant to leave. Do I take him up on the couples counselling or is it not worth it?
Things have been a little tense lately, but I put it down to the shock of having a miscarriage and stress of a young toddler. We also both work long hours and rarely have days off together (the last time we were off at the same time was our family holiday in june).
Luckily I have a lot of support, parents and friends are all local and financially I am ok as the mortgage is all in my name as I bought it a long time ago.

loulou1626 Fri 12-Aug-16 19:22:17

Hi there,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it must be such a shock sad I'm actually in somewhat of a similar situation myself at the moment; my ex partner has behaved with absolute cruelty since he decided to leave me when I was ten weeks pregnant with a planned baby. I haven't spoken to him in three months and he's in a relationship with someone else now who may or may not, the former being more likely, have been in the pipeline when he chose to leave, so I really mean it when I say I know how you feel and I can only hope that your situation works out differently to my own, though I would advise you to tread carefully with how much trust you put in him, as harsh as that may sound.

It's a difficult thing because you have to be careful when choosing to believe what he says; I've found that actions are much more of an indication of what someone intends or wants to do. I would say that if he's genuinely serious about having couples counselling and that if his depression is something that is playing an active part in his behaviour at the moment, then he should be the one to arrange appointments etc in order to demonstrate that he means what he says. If he does, then it could definitely be worth a go.

Have you had any contact with his family at all? Do you know where he's staying at the moment? Has he said anything about financial support, or the baby for that matter?

Take the support you're given with both hands and hold on tight. I can't tell you how much I've needed it and how much it really does help to have someone just sit with you and let you cry, among all the other things that people will want to do to help you.

Unfortunately, it really is a day by day process. I won't lie to you and say it gets easier, as some days I still want to curl into a ball and cry, but you'll be surprised as just how strong you can really be. flowers

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Fri 12-Aug-16 19:38:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatIsHappening0 Fri 12-Aug-16 21:59:38

Loulou im sorry to hear you are experiencing similar - it sounds awful and must be so hard dealing with a new partner as well as the shock of him leaving flowers . You're right, I will definitely suggest he organises counselling to see if he is serious. He is currently staying at his mums who I am very close to. She is not at all happy with his actions and is being very supportive to me. With regards to maintenence, he has already said he will offer full support, so I can only hope that he means it.
Whatyousee, thank you - it's good to hear people have come out of situations like this positively, I will see if I can find the old thread.
I guess I will just have to see what each day brings, I've had a good cry with a friend tonight and it is comforting knowing how much support I've got.

MatildaTheCat Fri 12-Aug-16 22:17:48

I am very sorry for this awful news and the timing is wretched.

One thing that strikes me is that he says he is happy to stay in the house. No. Just no. You don't split up from your pregnant partner and get to stay on as if nothing has happened. That way nobody gets a chance to adjust and move forwards. He needs to own his decision and stay with his mother until he can make other arrangements.

Agree contact and keep some distance for now. If he is depressed and needs treatment then he needs to address that. Only then can you decide if you want to engage in couples counselling and if you even want him back.

You need time and support. Start to take charge of what happens rather than him offering you what he wants. He willingly got you pregnant and then left. That very much reduces him choices IMO.

You take care of yourself, your DC and your passenger.

Lilacpink40 Fri 12-Aug-16 22:35:32

My STBXH left me for OW in Jan. We had split after DC1 as he wasn't being positive about us as a family. He changed his mind and said he would be positive and wanted DC2. When he left he said he'd never wanted DCs sad.

I could have been free 7 years earlier if he'd been honest before TTC DC2. Some of our time was good, lots was bad and some v v horrid.

It's rubbish and awful as your pregnant, but if he isn't emotionally there for you, you are getting out with more time to live your life happily. I know it won't feel like that now, the grief can be gut-wrenching, but you can get through this flowersflowers

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