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some people have affairs that last for years and never go anywhere

(24 Posts)
JackandDiane Fri 12-Aug-16 12:46:49

Don't they?
Distant family member ( vague for obv reasons) has been going for about ten years. Not sure if the spouse knows, and we aren't telling.
I can't see how they can't tbh - but I also can't see the point of the affair...

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Aug-16 12:58:23

I've experience of this. I think when the affair first starts, you're more likely to notice because they give themselves away. If it goes on for ages, it's just a part of their everyday life and it's quite likely you wouldn't notice. Please don't blame people for not noticing.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 12-Aug-16 13:01:11

There was someone posted her recently and had been with him for years and had a baby with him and was contemplating another one, which they both seemed to want.
It suits some people I guess.

toadgirl Fri 12-Aug-16 13:03:15

Some people don't want as much out of relationships as others. A lot of people prefer it this way as they don't have to give too much of themselves to be in a relationship. It's great for commitment-phobes, for instance.

TheNaze73 Fri 12-Aug-16 13:23:29

toadgirl beat me to it. Some people don't want the hassle of a proper relationship & just want the exciting bits & the sex, without the bits they'd probably consider mundane. Just wish they'd consider others, with their selfish actions

JackandDiane Fri 12-Aug-16 13:58:03

not blame them - just be a bit RILLY that they don't notice such odd behaviour.

HappyJanuary Fri 12-Aug-16 16:25:34

The point of the affair for the unfaithful spouse is that s/he gets the thrill and excitement of a partner who is always excited to see them, without the boring bits.

The point of the affair for the OW/OM is that either they want a no-strings relationship or they are clinging to the hope that they'll be together properly one day. Take a look at LoveShack, where there's a forum for OW/OM to discuss their situations. Even on here, stories of people waiting patiently for decades only to realise that they've been scammed.

For the faithful spouse - please don't suggest we are daft for not knowing. Some people aren't looking for clues because they love and trust their partners, and some partners are incredibly plausible liars.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Aug-16 18:03:22

But JackAndDiane, not everyone having an affair exhibits strange behaviour. Think of someone who works away from home, who's seeing someone in the city he's visiting. Or someone who's having an affair with someone at work - both married - they 'work late' but rarely spend an evening out of the house. You show contempt for someone who trusts their partner - that's not on.

DrMorbius Fri 12-Aug-16 21:05:29

My good friend has seen a woman (who used to work for him) for the last 18 years. Once a week, plus a holiday and the occasional weekends away.

She knows all about his wife and 3 kids.

whirlygirly Fri 12-Aug-16 21:28:16

Is this like a mistress kind of arrangement? Sounds like way too much effort to me. I think some people just become hooked on the kick they get from sneaking about. Plus get bored with being monogamous.

Worked with an awful lot of people who carried on like this at one particular company I was at. Kind of a work wife/husband thing. Shocking now I look back.

DrMorbius Fri 12-Aug-16 21:46:28

What that a Q to me whirly?

whirlygirly Fri 12-Aug-16 21:53:35

Sorry dr, it was mainly just a wine induced ramble generated by reading the whole thread but my question does particularly seem to relate to your post, so yes please, I'm curious to know.

(Steps away from wine)

PrettyBotanicals Fri 12-Aug-16 22:00:03

It's true. I've an uncle (French) whose mistress was an open secret for years.

When he was 70, my aunt invited her to his surprise party. All the English guests were horrified, the French didn't bat an eyelid.

I often wish I'd had the courage to ask if she had a similar 'arrangement'.

DrMorbius Fri 12-Aug-16 22:07:27

also wine induced, so saying too much
Ironically not a mistress, ironically because my friend is quite wealthy. She is just a like minded friend!!!.

We speak about it occasionally, as very occasionally I am his air cover. In a moment of clarity he said that in real terms they see each other so rarely they are like kids. She's like a new girl friend, sex everywhere, all the time, wears what he wants and does the things eagerly that his wife doesn't like doing. He once said she was doing his wife a favour, as he no longer asks for anal, etc things she doesn't like.

This may make my mate seem a bit seedy, but this apart, he is a really top mate.

HappyJanuary Fri 12-Aug-16 22:20:35

Top bloke, fucking his mistress up the arse so his wife doesn't have to do it and not even keeping it private. What a gent.

newworldnow Fri 12-Aug-16 22:28:18

Oh my the lucky woman. A pearl of a woman.

newworldnow Fri 12-Aug-16 22:29:03

this is what we bring up our daughters for isn't it?

witsender Fri 12-Aug-16 22:32:08

I'm not sure I could be a friend to someone like that, or be his 'cover'.

DrMorbius Fri 12-Aug-16 22:36:21

I new this would happen, I have given a 50 word snapshot of a 18 year relationship. Is far more complex than explained. BTW the woman is now 50 years old. Not some child.

DrMorbius Fri 12-Aug-16 22:37:38


RomeoIsBleeding Sat 13-Aug-16 06:34:13

DrM It clearly suits the OW too. She must also enjoy the "we're like teenagers".

I don't think that all OW are pathetic and living in hope that the man will leave. I think that some women are perfectly happy with the arrangement and that it suits them as much as it does the man.

Easystreet52 Sat 13-Aug-16 07:37:01

Sometimes it is wrongly assumed that the wronged spouse is not aware of the ongoing affair. This is not always the case. I have a contact through work who is 70 years old who has a relationship with a married man and she knows his wife. In fact they used to go on holiday together as a foursome until her husband died. she goes on holiday with him. They all meet up still from time to time.

3weeksthankgod Sat 13-Aug-16 07:39:46

I know a couple in an ongoing affair who also holiday together in a big group of couples every year. It's common knowledge although I assume the partners are the only ones who are not aware. Weird set up if you ask me but probably not that uncommon.

Easystreet52 Sat 13-Aug-16 07:51:24

They may know 3week and choose to turn a blind eye. Some people are comfortable with perceived unusual set ups. It's like swinging. Actually watching your partner in the act is a horrifying thought for the majority but for some people it's not! Everyone to their own and all that!

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