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How do you stop mourning a loss/compromise (not bereavement)

(8 Posts)
lbseal Fri 12-Aug-16 10:54:07

I am sad about something that I wanted from a relationship and thought I could have and I can't - at least, not for a few years - for very good reasons. I have no-one I can tell about this because it's just too painful to start it and see the looks of sympathy on friends' faces. Apologies for vagueness! I wish I could tell MN about this but I know lots of people IRL who use this and I think they'd be able to guess it was me. This topic crossed a lot of different Talk categories but think "Relationships" is best one.

My question to MN-ers is: how do you stop mourning something and get used to a new, less-than-perfect situation where you have compromised for a long-term goal? I've talked to my partner at length, I've gone for long walks, I've treated myself to my favourite cooking, am going to bed early, making nice plans with friends - the usual. I am even going to see a therapist this afternoon for the first time. I know that time will help, but how do you get through the first few days/weeks...?

allthatnonsense Fri 12-Aug-16 11:01:21

I think that only time will help you to find a way to cope.
Keep doing what you are doing. Immerse yourself in mindless tasks and try not to think too much about it.

lbseal Fri 12-Aug-16 11:12:37

Thanks, allthatnonsense. I think you are right about time - I'm just impatient to stop feeling like this. I don't know how to get rid of the sadness, but I guess sometimes you just can't "get rid of it" but have to work through it... Mindless tasks is a good idea!

pallasathena Fri 12-Aug-16 11:49:35

You keep telling yourself that this too will pass. And it always, always does.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Aug-16 11:54:51

Does this decision compromise you as a person? For example if my husband said he didn't want children (biological or adopted) and that meant I had to live a life without them, I'd feel compromised, that I couldn't live my life as my true self, if that makes sense. I wouldn't sacrifice myself for him.

lbseal Fri 12-Aug-16 14:04:42

That's a good way of looking at it and makes perfect sense. It compromises me as a person for a few years, but then afterwards I shall have everything I wanted, I think. It does feel like I won't be living life as my true self for a bit though...

Cabrinha Fri 12-Aug-16 17:22:22

Generally, I'm a "this too shall pass" type.
Just - you have to be certain (as you can be) that it will.

I'm certainly not mourning this, but for me for example, I "can't" live with my fiancé for 2 years, for practical reasons - location for our kids, not wanting to rush blending families, and also financial reasons. It's frustrating as hell not to be together - but we're engaged and our practical reasons are sound and with a clear end date.
So in my case - this too shall pass.

But if... you were having an affair... and this was a married man saying "you'll have everything in 3 years time, just as soon as my 15yo goes to uni", I'd say - run, run away.

You don't want to say that the issue is - so I'd just urge you to think which of my two scenarios is closer to yours? Not the detail, just the level of certainty of it happening, and how much you can trust anyone else involved in making it happen.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Aug-16 18:13:07

I agree about the married man.

If the thing you want is wanted by both of you, it's talked about with others, where appropriate and you're not being strung along, then it's maybe okay (given we don't know what it is) but if you want someone to leave their family to be with you, then I wouldn't hold my breath, frankly.

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