Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Daughter and her Grandmother - feeling left out?

(15 Posts)
DearyFuckingMe Fri 12-Aug-16 01:20:16

Hey this is my first post and I would love some advice.

My 3 year old daughter is starting to speak more now and is an amazing little girl, we both play together in the house and do a variety of different craft activities throughout the day and go out to the park etc.

However over the last 2 months or so she has continually been asking for her 'nanny' non stop. I mean as soon as she wakes up one of her first words will be 'Nanny???' Then throughout the day all I will have while I'm trying to interact with her will be 'Nanny??' 'Going to see Nanny??' If she gets hurt she will call for her nanny even if I am standing not far away.. I don't understand what I have done/not done to cause this

We don't live far from her grandmother and my mother lives on a piece of land that our home can't compare with. When she is there they all spend their time catering to my daughters whims, so I accept that it will be a hell of a lot more fun for an adventuress 3 year old.

One of the complicated issues for me is that I had a terrible childhood, however I am dealing with that myself and my mother is turning out to be a fantastic grandmother.

I hope I'm not giving the impression that I don't want my daughter to see her GM because I do but it is so wearing when 3 times an hour she is calling for her GM when I'm trying to engage her at home.

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve here, sometimes when I'm battling to get her in her car seat to come home I either want to say Fine stay here! or That is it! We won't come again!

She is obviously okay if we don't go to see her GM but then I start to feel bad that I have deliberately omitted the visit from our day... And they let me know it too!

category12 Fri 12-Aug-16 06:44:16

Hmm the brilliant grandmothering vs terrible parenting.. Is your dm one of the types of parents that appears in the stately homes thread?

I think you shouldn't go as often. I think you should ride out the 'want nanny' stuff and go once a week at most. It's odd to go every day.

category12 Fri 12-Aug-16 06:45:21

Distract and divert your dd.

paddlenorapaddle Fri 12-Aug-16 06:59:39

That's rough but solvable, but before you do anything have a look at outofthefog.net there sounds like there is an under current here

pallasathena Fri 12-Aug-16 07:23:06

Your daughter would benefit from socialising with her peers at three years of age. I'd organise a regular schedule of nursery two or three times a week and reduce the grandparent visiting to once a week if I was you.
Sometimes, grandparents can become over invested in their grandchildren . All you can do is understand their delight and love for their grandchild and not over think the situation. Your child is three. Three year old's have a massive enthusiasm, a still limited vocabulary and a delight in repeating the same words again and again. Count your blessings! Your child has a loving, caring, fun filled extended family. Many, many children don't and are the poorer for it.
Additionally, three year olds just want to have fun so anyone who creates a fun environment is obviously going to be awesome to them. Its just a phase. Before too long, she'll make friends with little ones the same age and they will become awesome too. And then, later on, in the teenage years, you'll have her telling you how wonderfully awesome her bff's mother is and that too will make you feel inadequate! We've all been there...!
Understand that what you are feeling is jealousy. Recognise it, deal with it and do something about it. You are the adult, your little one is just three.

Imbroglio Fri 12-Aug-16 07:32:00

Presumably she'll be at nursery soon if not already? I think her focus will soon change when she's got playmates her own age.

How often do you actually go to visit her nanna?

BlackVelvet1 Fri 12-Aug-16 07:40:15

You have no obligation to visit everyday. I think that's a lot and you need to enjoy it too. I agree that the guilt tripping and the fact you said you weren't happy in your childhood sound like there is something underlying (I second looking at the out of the fog website). Your happyness matters too. Your daughter will be happy if you are happy.
Is she going to start pre-school in September? If so that might be a good excuse (if you need one) to reduce the visits.
Also my 3 years old has phases when he is obsessed with something for a few weeks and it then eases up (it's army tanks at the moment).

DearyFuckingMe Fri 12-Aug-16 11:47:06

Thank you for your replies, there are definitely underlying issues with DM and I but we don't talk about it and I try not to let it affect my Dds relationship with her. I will check out the stately homes thread and the out of the fog website, thank you. I am very close to my Dgm who did her best to fill in the gaps of my childhood so I understand what an amazing bond it can be.

I don't think it's jealousy as such, I want her to have the best relationships possible with all of our family members. But I am definitely feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, and embarrassed to be honest. How can I not be when my own daughter is fighting me tooth and nail to not go home?

I know I can't compete with the environment, masses of space and toys. Everything she wants she gets, anything she wants to do is done immediately with no discipline in sight.. Hmm no wonder she wants to stay up there!

Dd does go to nursery twice a week which she is loving but again the moment I collect her its 'Let's go see nanny!' Constantly on repeat no matter how many times I explain we aren't.. It's been going on for so long the word nanny is starting to give me the rage lol

We are a small family unit and DD is the only child within it, I also do not have friends so we are a bit isolated. We do visit on a daily basis because DD wants to see my DM and vice versa so I feel vindictive to say no because of my own feelings. Of course DM will go weeks without seeing DD if I don't take her up, god forbid she had to jump in her own car and visit us.

DD is only 2.10 yrs so not quite preschool time yet.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Aug-16 11:58:03

Why do you think your mother (at whose hands you had a terrible childhood) is turning out to be a decent sort of grandparent?.

Talking to her about your childhood would be a wasted effort, she is not going to apologise or accept any responsibility for her actions. She will likely deny your version of events saying that you made it all up, you're too sensitive or some other crap of that nature.

Your DD is being manipulated by your mother and father and they could well be accused of trying to steal her heart away from you as her mother (they have more time and disposable income for a start and give her everything she so desires); at 3 she is not old enough to realise this is happening to her.They steal the hearts of the grandchildren. Sometimes, they will battle for physical custody of a grandchild after their slander campaign against you has won them powerful allies. (Many times the Narcissist grandparent has a lot of extra cash to throw around since they are done raising a family). They may successfully exploit the natural selfishness of the child by using cash or toys to lure them. This is what is happening to you and your DD.

They can even steal your children's hearts from you when the children near adulthood with promises of money, houses, cars, college tuition, etc. as bait.

At the very least I would completely cut back on the number of visits you make to these people. Where are your own boundaries here with regards to your mother?.

You are the parent here and have the final say. Your DD is also relying on your good judgment here. Start by saying no to all these visitations to your parents. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your child to adopt.

Do read the out of the fog website, the stately homes thread and the resources at the start of same.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Aug-16 11:58:42

May I also ask why it is you have no friends?

Were you never really encouraged to have any?

BlackVelvet1 Fri 12-Aug-16 12:59:55

I think if you set up a set time that suits you (could be for example 1 morning a week), you can then tell DD: "not today, we go see nanny on X day. Do you remember?", then she might start understanding there is a set time for going to see nanny and there is no point asking all the time.

Pearlman Fri 12-Aug-16 23:38:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs Fri 12-Aug-16 23:58:50

Talking to her about your childhood would be a wasted effort, she is not going to apologise or accept any responsibility for her actions. She will likely deny your version of events saying that you made it all up, you're too sensitive or some other crap of that nature.

Erm... that may be your mother Atilla but it may not be OP's. It may, or it may not. Lets not jump in making blanket statements here as though they are fact.

Sounds like you are, or feeling, isolated, op. Is there anything you can do about that? It may not be a great idea to live close to your mother - is there any way you can relocate?

I don't blame you for feeling the rage with the nanny word! Especially as you had a challenging childhood with her - salt in the wound. Have you had any therapy about your childhood?

ime I encouraged my children to have relationships with my (toxic) family, reasoning that just because they were vile to me I couldn't deny my children a relationship with their blood relatives. It spectacularly backfired further down the line and I wish I hadn't been so blind.

Toxic people can be very charming. My family are spanglingly charming - and charm is very seductive.

Imbroglio Sat 13-Aug-16 08:16:42

OP, having children of that age is a wonderful opportunity to make friends. Check out some parents and toddler groups or activities.

As for your mum, every day is definitely too much, especially if the visits consist of you feeling undermined and your child being spoiled. Once or twice a week is enough.

Maybe balance things out a bit by making the relationship work for you - could nanna look after your daughter while you enjoy some free time?

Heatherplant Sat 13-Aug-16 16:15:37

Have a look at what toddler activities are on in your area and have a daily activity that doesn't involve your DM. I'd limit contact until you can resolve the issues from your own relationship with her.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now