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Dh said something that I cant get over

(28 Posts)
Soverydisappointed Fri 12-Aug-16 00:55:06

Dh and I were having a frank discussion and I asked him if he ever fancied other women his reply to something like that would usually be an eye roll, but this time it was a yes and then some elaboration including, "I want to fk the sht out of them"
Dh is quite a quiet man and we aren't often frank in our relationship. I really didn't expect him to say that. I dont know what I expected, maybe a more subtle response. I shouldn't have asked. My self esteem is low, Im still bfing and I generally have felt ugly my whole life. I get compliments from other men but given the choice I dont even like leaving the house because of my looks and hate the commute to work (recently returned after mat leave) due to the number of people who will see me.
Dh works abroad all the time and is always around women. He is attractive and physically very fit but unfriendly and arrogant . When we'd been together 10 years he was contacted by his ex and secretly messaging her, when I found out he said nothing happened. He used to have 2 phones with passwords, laptop and pc with passwords and wouldnt let me go near anything. I should have left him back then. Since that time the lockdown security of his devices has eased off and I thoughr it was because he realised that it was unnecessary. Following this comment im wondering if it is because whatever he was upto has now finished until the next time.
This comment has got me thinking about that and every other little thing. I'm questioning everything that I've ever doubted or suspected and let go. Every time he said I dont fancy x or y or that he'd stayed out for this and that, Im wondering if ive just been very gullible.
I cant tell if Im overreacting as I'm so upset. I have lots of problems with him and have posted about them before got the ltb responses but stayed. This hurts more than other stuff
It's been over 24 hours and im still upset. I dont know why its got to me so much.
Has anyone else had a dp say something this crass?

Somerville Fri 12-Aug-16 01:01:28

It's got to you so much because it is a hateful and repulsive thing to say.

No-one I'e been involved with had even described sex as 'fucking the shit' out of a woman, no. If they did, they'd no longer be my partner.

I know it's difficult to see it, when your self esteem is low, but you could do so much better than this man.

In fact, your low self esteem and his attitudes towards women are undoubtedly linked. And by that I don't mean his attitudes are your fault - they're not.

Summerisgood Fri 12-Aug-16 01:20:52

2 phones? Secret passwords? That is not a good sign. Take what he said to give you the angry impetus to take action. Any action. Whether it is going away, getting counselling for yourself, or hopefully leaving him.

BengalCatMum Fri 12-Aug-16 01:56:56

flowers sorry to hear this OP

Tbh I am quite young so this kind of horrific language I am quite used to hearing from the equally young male sex... not that I would be happy at all if DP said something so stupid, but equally I would be in shock with his honesty and also think it was a stupid question to ask to begin with. Are you sure he wasn't being sarcastic and you just missed that part/ went over your head? as does seem a very stupid thing to say to your DW.

2 phones, secret passwords doesn't look good though, but does sound like that was a while ago so their is no way of knowing if he was secretly xmas shopping or actually was two timing. Still not sure why you would need two phones though, unless your a drug dealer.

ladybird69 Fri 12-Aug-16 02:02:03

Leave now. Do not waste another minute,(30yrs)on the bastard cause he'll still be making excuses and you'll still be second guessing yourself even after all that time. Sending you strength. Wish MN had been around those days.

ladybird69 Fri 12-Aug-16 02:04:56

Oh and mine had 3 mobiles but I could never get a hold of him. And his laptop was fingerprint protected it just happened to be on offer that week!!!!!!! Omg wot an idiot I was

I would feel pretty repulsed by the expression of wanting to fuck the shit out of other women.

You know what your life looks like with him in it, what do you think it could look like without him? I know you have already had ltb replies- how did they make you feel about your relationship and what was your motivation for staying? Has staying with him lived up to your wants, needs, and expectations?

It doesn't sound like the current state of your life and relationship is making you happy as describing not wanting to go out for not wanting to be looked at sounds like your self esteem is very low. Do you recognise that?

adora1 Fri 12-Aug-16 11:38:02

You do not trust him and quite rightly, his view of sex with women is repulsive, time to go.

Basicbrown Fri 12-Aug-16 12:57:17

I've got two phones for the record, personal and work. Isnt that normal?

Very bad attitude to women though sad

Soverydisappointed Fri 12-Aug-16 13:46:00

Thank you all for your responses. Sorry it's taken a while to come back on here, work's been busy.
Bengal it was really stupid of me, Im insecure and knew I might not like his answer. I wish I hadnt asked and he says it's my fault for asking. But in a way im glad I know even though I cant get it out of my head. It wasn't a joke and it's been discussed at length since he said it. He's not particularly remorseful as his take is that I wanted the truth, got it, couldnt handle it and need to understand that it's how his brain works when he sees certain females and he can't control it. His words
Somerville it is repulsive and it's not the way that he generally speaks which is partly why it caught me so off guard. Dh and his friends sit around discussing politics and history and things in the news (dh is an academic) at least when Im in earshot. Maybe whenever Im not around dh speaks like that all the time. Maybe its the real him.
Ladybird69 that's exactly what it was like 2 phones but I could never get hold of him. He was obviously speaking to someone. I dont know why I let that go; I wanted to believe his reassurances because we have dcs and our lives are together. I knew at the time that if a friend had the same problem I would have told her to leave. But saying it and dealing with the consequences of doing it are two different things. And Bengal you're right it's too late to really get to the bottom of it now. Hes got one phone (the old one is definitely in a drawer obselete. I have checked. It is not being used ever at all) and no password on his phone now so either it was nothing all along, it was something but has now stopped or it is still something and hes unlocked his phone to show he is trustworthy and simply got a 2nd phone and hidden it. I don't know whether perhaps I just overthink things and look for drama (a second hidden phone is the feature of that Suranne Jones drama about the dr whose husband had been having an affair for years). I don't want to look for things that aren't there just because I spend all of my time watching these things on tv. Im always talking myself down, telling myself that my life isn't an episode of Emmerdale, not everything he does is evidence of an affair. But then saying something like that makes me think well yes actually he is just an ahole he doesn't respect me or women in general and if anyone's capable of cheating he certainly is.
Adora DeCaff Summerisgood I've thought of leaving for years. I dont want to walk away from something salvageable. I imagine that if I did what I would face would be attempts at manipulation from him and I think I'd be harrassed by his family constantly. I dont start mil/fil threads but have a lot of material for one, endless, people would think I'm a troll. I just let it wash over me, but if I left their precious son all hell would break loose. They'd be a nightmare, dh would be a nightmare, dc would be in the things stand I grit my teeth and smile, there are no problems between me and pils, no one knows that dh and I have issues, dc are happy, everyone's happy. Everyone would wonder why I'd suddenly blown a happy situation apart and it'd be on me for not being able to stick it out.

Iamdobby63 Fri 12-Aug-16 13:48:33

It seems that you are quite insecure and with good reason given what happened, so I have to ask, is that a question (frank discussion) that you ask him often? Was he fed up with you asking hence the gross answer rather than the usual eye roll?

I do agree that counselling may help you feel more positive about yourself.

GeekLove Fri 12-Aug-16 13:50:39

But you are not. Your in laws are not your friends. The shits going to hit the fan and its best if that's sooner rather than later. Don't think your children haven't noticed. They'll think it's normal to treat their mother with contempt.

What's this would be useful is to examine the options available when considering separation and divorce. Mind you given the circumstances I'd phone Women's Aid.

Soverydisappointed Fri 12-Aug-16 13:52:26

Basicbrown It wasnt a work phone. Wish it was. Hes a lecturer. It was an old phone that he had upgraded and then bought a pay as you go sim for. He used his main phone for colleagues and personal contacts. He said he needed the old phone incase the battery ever went on his new phone. Which was why I couldnt see the need for a password. It also had the app where if you try to unlock it and enter a wrong password it takes a pic of you and emails it to him with a warning that someone is trying to get into it. (Which it did to me. Yes I know - trust issues)
But it was supposed to be merely a pay as you go for emergencies incase his actual mobile went dead.

adora1 Fri 12-Aug-16 13:55:41

Keeping up appearances for everyone else is not a life OP, you need to do what you want, not what others expect of you!

You do not trust him, there is no relationship without trust, you are just carrying on a façade.

category12 Fri 12-Aug-16 13:59:27


So you're sticking it out for fear of the in laws and his reactions?

That's really not good.

I would start looking into the practicalities of a split, financially and legally. So you really know what your situation is.

Tarttlet Fri 12-Aug-16 14:38:40

I'm not usually one to say LTB, OP, but I really think you should seriously consider leaving. Aside from this incident, you say you have lots of problems with him and describe him as "unfriendly and arrogant" - is there anything you actually like about him? Does he treat you with respect and love usually?

BengalCatMum Fri 12-Aug-16 14:45:58

If he wasn't being sarcastic and has said so; well thats annoying to say the least. Actually blood boiling. flowers

It also had the app where if you try to unlock it and enter a wrong password it takes a pic of you and emails it to him with a warning that someone is trying to get into it. shock Literally shocking! Never even knew that existed.

When you watch the Olympic fittys next just go "I would just love him to fuck the shit out of me" then saunter off. I am sure he will be pretty pissed too.

WanderingTrolley1 Fri 12-Aug-16 14:47:11


(First time I've ever said that)

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Aug-16 15:09:45

Ugh the idea of him teaching young women is horrific.

Why would he need a spare phone when he could just buy a portable charger for £10?

He sounds really horrible, OP. I know what you mean that his family could cause problems for you and it sounds as though he would, too, but I don't know how you can bear living with him. Your self-esteem seems to have plummeted, you poor thing.

EstellaHavisham Fri 12-Aug-16 15:57:15

I've read your thread Op and I wonder where you are in all of this.

After the PIL, DC and 'D'H?

This is your life and at best your H is a cold, unfriendly, arrogant verbally clumsy oaf with some sort of deathly paranoia about running out of phone battery with terrible parents who collectively make his wife feel like shit.

At worst? He's a serial cheat with an entitled view of women and his rights to "fuck the shit out of them" in spite of the fact he is supposed to be in a committed marriage. With shit parents.

Please see this how it is and make preparations to separate.
Please X

SandyY2K Fri 12-Aug-16 16:40:43

I think apart from the obvious, because I'm sure he's cheated in the past, you should take time for yourself.

● Get a hobby
● Go out with friends
● Join online support/friendship groups
● Treat yourself to a makeover
● Have a pamper day or spa day

Your husband married you for a reason, so stop putting yourself down like this. You're very negative about your looks - not that looks are everything, but he obviously loved your looks enough.

Do you work?
Do you do things without him?
What is your relationship like apart from this comment?

ElspethFlashman Fri 12-Aug-16 16:45:44

Even drug dealers don't have that much worry over a burner phone.

Sorry, he was fucking someone.

You've been told LTB on previous threads. I wonder how low you have to fall before you do? Where is the line? Cos he's crossed so many lines you must be cross eyed and still you stay.

user1469553305 Fri 12-Aug-16 18:19:27

You say that his parents will kick off if you leave their precious boy. But what about your precious baby? Stay with someone who makes you feel that way and any daughter will see her mom being demoralized by her dad, and son will believe its acceptable to treat and speak to a woman that way. Is that what you want for your children?

SandyY2K Fri 12-Aug-16 21:07:44

The level of security on that phone is like a person who works for the FBI. That should have told you everything you need to know.

As you have no intention of leaving him, just focus on yourself and make the best of life and truly be happy.

There's no way I'd stay married just because my PILS would kick off. What stops you from blocking them and refusing to engage with them.

They can't force you to listen and if they push themselves on you, it's harassment.

How happy is your life?
What example of marriage are your kids seeing?

GloriaGaynor Fri 12-Aug-16 21:14:44

Why would you marry someone 'unfriendly and arrogant'? Ok it's done now, but that doesn't mean you can't get away from him.

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