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9 years & 2 kids together and dp still not divorced his ex!

(41 Posts)
tomdaleysdicksticker Thu 11-Aug-16 23:27:58

Been together for 9 years. We have two dd ages 3 and 7. Although separated for 11 yeaes he has not yet divorced his ex - she has admittedly made this difficult though on his part he hasn't stpod up to things. This didnt use to bother me but then I didn't use to want to get married. He knows how hurt and crap this makes me feel . Now I just feel angry, upset, and like a second class citizen. WWYD? AIBU to think he should bloody well sort his divorce out. Feel so sad for my girls and starting to think rhis is a deal breaker!!! Has anyone else been in my boat?

Graceflorrick Thu 11-Aug-16 23:30:33

My concern would be inheritance implications should he die. Very concerning.

You can't blame the ex either. If he wanted a divorce he'd get one.

You and your girls deserve more flowers

wizzywig Thu 11-Aug-16 23:31:10

No i havent been in this situation, so sorry i dont have personal experience of this. My opinion is that if it bothers you, then dont put up with it. If its a dealbreaker then its best you leave rather than be unhappy. Personally i couldnt be with someone who wasnt pushing towards divorce, but i like being a wife and being married. Thats just me

NancyJoan Thu 11-Aug-16 23:32:28

I assume (poss wrongly) that that makes her his next of kin, in an emergency. That would really, really bother me.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-16 23:35:45

Does he have a pension? If so, she'll benefit from that. Does he have life assurance as part of his work package? If so, she'll benefit from that, too.

I hope he's got a watertight Will. If he hasn't written a Will and if you're not careful, she could inherit everything (up to a certain amount, where your children will inherit.) You won't inherit a damn thing.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-16 23:36:26

Think of this, too.

If you died and he then had more money (mortgage paid off etc) then he wanted to divorce, he's worth more, isn't he?

apatheticfallacy Thu 11-Aug-16 23:42:43

What does he say when you discuss it? Does he want a divorce? If so why hast he pushed for it? If he doesn't then why not?

11 years is a long time, I suppose he's just used to the status quo and might be a bit feckless lazy? Does he understand the implications for you/your children if he dies?

Do you think he's afraid to remarry in case it changes your relationship?

Summerisgood Fri 12-Aug-16 01:16:21

I am also in this position. He's separated 12 years and still no divorce.

I've actually told him that he has to divorce or I leave. We can't invest together or anything while he is in this position. At this stage I don't even want to marry him, not yet. I'm quite cross about this.

But at the very least we should have a clean slate to work on.

Summerisgood Fri 12-Aug-16 01:18:06

P.s. I also booked an appointment with a solicitor to talk over my position as it stands, if I walked away. And also counseling to talk about this.

It really is an important issue. I would stand your ground.

OpenMe Fri 12-Aug-16 01:28:26

I know it's an unpopular view but I think it's very risky to have children with a man you're not married to . To have them with a a man who's married to someone else is ridiculous. Unless he's taken steps to change things (which seem unlikely if he hasn't managed to divorce) you have no rights at all in the event of his death! Your children's rights are not clear cut.

Why is he so reluctant to divorce?. You need some serious legal advice on your own and your DC's position now.

Trashbox Fri 12-Aug-16 01:32:36

He obviously does not care about your opinion or feelings.

What reasons does he give for not divorcing? Is his ex single?

Summerisgood Fri 12-Aug-16 01:35:45

Actually I do agree with you OpenMe. My DP had started divorce proceedings but there was a long drawn out technicality, and then it kind of got left... I wonder if the OP had similar.

I wish I had not moved in with my DP until he was divorced. I honestly never thought I'd ever be in the position I am in now where he STILL is not divorced, and probably neither did OP?

At the time, it just felt weird not to move in and go ahead with plans to have kids - as in my mind, the divorce was definitely going to happen... Totally trusted my DP. In retrospect, never again.

Out2pasture Fri 12-Aug-16 01:43:01

I am of the impression in the UK that if you have been separated for 10 years filing for divorce becomes easy. in that the other party can't contest any issues.
I found the link over 3 years ago but never again since.

Anonymouses Fri 12-Aug-16 01:43:05

It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. It is leaving both you and your dc in a very vulnerable position should anything happen to him. I find this disrespectful of your relationship and disrespectful towards your children.

There's also the fact that the longer it takes him to divorce the more his ex could potentially take as she could get half of everything and the more he builds up equity in a house, wage increases etc the bigger this half gets.

I think I would have to outline
The reasons why it needs to be done and
My feelings on it then issue an ultimatum.

purplefox Fri 12-Aug-16 02:05:39

At this point he can divorce on the grounds of separation without his wife agreeing so what's stopping him?

Canyouforgiveher Fri 12-Aug-16 02:23:43

he is not divorcing because he can't. He is choosing not to divorce.

Think about that and then think about what you will do.

I wouldn't have had children with him in the first place but easy for me to say. I would not stay with a man who will not divorce and marry me.

I think he is delaying divorce so he isn't forced to marry you. It suits him. He is not committed. React accordingly.

tomdaleysdicksticker Fri 12-Aug-16 14:36:07

Thank you everyone for your reply.

As a pp said you dont enter a relationship thinking the divorce wont happen. But its more a case of bio clock ticking, felt divorce was on cards but could see myself waiting forever to do things the right way round. The opporrunity for that was robbed.

Its as a pp suggested that he started proceedings but she is v stuborn and had challenged financial arrangements and property etc every step of the way. They have dc.

Summer i just want to offer a hug of solidarity.

Even if a divorce appears I don't actually think I can move forward with him because i feel so hurt and so so angry and my feelings trampled on. I definitely won't be marrying. Anyone. Ever.

The house we are living in is mine deeds amd mortgage and that could not be legally disputed as i understand it.

OpenMe Fri 12-Aug-16 14:49:48

I'm not sure on that OP. I'm no expert but I do know that a friend had to give her partner a share of the house they lived in but she owned because he had contributed to some improvememts and maintenance to it. Interestingly shed never asked him to contribute to the mortgage because she didn't want him (or more specifically his kids!) to have any claim on it but was told that if he had have done that would be considered "rent" and wouldn't have given him a claim

hellsbellsmelons Fri 12-Aug-16 14:53:49

How old are his DC?
9 feckin' years!!???
I'm not surprised this is becomming a deal breaker for you.
I took 5 years to get divorced and that was a long time (I thought)
So what is your next move?

tomdaleysdicksticker Fri 12-Aug-16 15:09:53

I've contributed 99% towards home improvements.

ladylambkin Fri 12-Aug-16 15:15:02

I have just ended a relationship where the divorce just didn't seem to be happening despite him saying he was waiting till all kids were 18 to do it. Still hasn't done it!

tomdaleysdicksticker Fri 12-Aug-16 15:15:11

We've halfed the mortgage payments. For this and other reasons separation is probably imminent. I have actuallyfelt so shit watching everyone else get married. Knowing I couldnt.

Self esteem.in boots. Never good enough to divorce let alone marry. What dpes that do to you. Who would want me now :/

tomdaleysdicksticker Fri 12-Aug-16 15:16:31

Lady lamb how long were you waiting? Was this your main reason. Its a good enough reason, right?

TempusEedjit Fri 12-Aug-16 15:28:31

In England/Wales the divorce decree itself is separate to the financial settlement so although not recommended you can actually get divorced without the division of existing assets being settled. I would assume though that it would at least give legal separation with regard to the exW being next of kin etc. Even if the exW is being difficult the divorce process won't suddenly become easier if your DP just keeps procrastinating. He obviously doesn't want to sort it out, more than enough reason to leave him if it's affecting your self esteem that much.

tomdaleysdicksticker Fri 12-Aug-16 16:57:16

Thanks tempus

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