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Moving together, am I unreasonable or is he? (Finances)

(321 Posts)
NameChange23 Thu 11-Aug-16 21:17:20

I don't want to drip feed so here are the facts (relevant or not)

- We have been together for 3 years
- We both had been married before
- We both have children from previous marriages, his is an adult but still financially dependant, mine has become a teen pretty recently so still dependant as well.
- I am 46, he is 58
- I am an administrator, he has a senior managing position
- I earn 16k a year, he earns nearly 60k
- I drive a 12 year old £400k car which is falling to pieces, he changes car pretty much every 12-18 months and never spends less than £20k on each of them.
- I own a beautiful 3 bedroom period terrace house (medium courtyard, no garage) in a relatively expensive touristic area (Still mortgaged) and have about £6k in savings. He owns two houses (no mortgage), has a substantial retirement fund and in addition, about £300k in savings.
- we have always gone mostly Dutch on expenses, if we are out to a expensive place, he pays (I pay the babysitter). If we are eating in a cheap place I pay.
- if we go on holidays we go halves.

We have started thinking of moving together and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.

He also expects that we should share the new house improvement expenses 50-50. All the houses he has suggested are slightly more expensive than mine, but they are either miles away in small villages, in need of extensive refurbishment or/and smaller than mine. He thinks that doing them up will cost a couple of thousands, I know (after doing up 3 houses) that we are looking at a possible bill of several £10,000s.

The additional problem is that he wants a detached house in the countryside, with a big garden and a place to keep his car safe. The problem is, I have lived in the countryside and I found the experience extremely lonely, most of my friends do not drive, I had to put up with a rather big share of racism, I hated having to spend so much time/money preventing the garden from becoming a jungle, and in general I was extremely unhappy. I love being surrounded by people and close to where things happen. He wants peace and quiet and hates the idea of city living.

I tried to explain yesterday that it isn't fair from him to expect me to put everything I have into a house that would eat all my assets, most of my income and where DS and I would feel isolated. I also mentioned that considering he earns far more than I, that the 50/50 divide would not be fair.

He looked at me with an incredulous face, and said no. He told me I was acting as if I was with him for his money!

Apparently, my request makes me look like a gold digger. shock

I ended up telling him that if it was money what I was interested in, I would be still enjoying the high life with my exhusband.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

QueenZelda Thu 11-Aug-16 21:18:24

Is the £400k car a typo?

Nowthereistwo Thu 11-Aug-16 21:19:57

Yanbu and really need this sorting before you move in/sell your house

Joysmum Thu 11-Aug-16 21:20:42

You are both entitled to want what you want.

Have you lived together before? Personally I'd rent together before committing to buy.

expatinscotland Thu 11-Aug-16 21:23:23

Jesus wept! You are crazy to even consider moving in with this person.

and he has come with the idea that I should sell my house and put the profits towards our "together" house. He will match the amount I pay towards it.

'For him, that amount would be a small part of his assets, while I would be putting EVERYTHING I have. Which puts me in a rather dangerous financial position especially when it comes to pay for future expenses of DS.'

Do not do this!

This man wants everything on his terms. You're not married. You have zero rights shacking up with this guy.

In fact, all that 50-50 shit when one person makes so much less smacks of flatmates. Except with benefits.

This guy sounds selfish beyond belief.

I'd take a huge step back from this relationship.

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 11-Aug-16 21:24:23

Do not move in with this person or buy a house with him. Protect your own assets and ring fence them - do not mix them with his.

thestamp Thu 11-Aug-16 21:28:03

He sounds like an idiot. Like a proper, proper numpty. I'm embarrassed for him tbh. Please don't move in with him.

AskBasil Thu 11-Aug-16 21:28:18

This guy sounds like a fucking mean old bastard.

I would LTB tbh.

He thinks so little of you, that he doesn't think you have the right to any financial security at all.

I wouldn't just not move in with him, I'd kick his arse into touch. He's shown you what he thinks of you; he's offering you nothing except the chance to domestically service him in return for giving up your and your son's financial security.

What a catch. He sounds like a miser and a user. Buy him Riceyman Steps (by Arnold Bennett) and tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Nowthereistwo Thu 11-Aug-16 21:31:33

Maybe he thinks his ex wife 'took him to the cleaners' and is weary of it happening again.

He needs to put more in and get a solicitor to protect both of you.

expatinscotland Thu 11-Aug-16 21:31:48

No wonder he's divorced.

NameChange23 Thu 11-Aug-16 21:31:56

Sorry.. My car is worth only £400 not £400k.

And yes, I accept I was unreasonable in stressing the point that my exh is richer than him. But then, how does he dare to think I am with him for his money if I walked away of such luxuries to cope with a child on my own in a modest salary? (And no regrets, I may have less money now, but I have a very happy life, thank you).

Inthepalemoonlight Thu 11-Aug-16 21:32:09

I would keep this relationship casual or end it. He is not acting as though he has any of your interests at heart. He seems intent on making sure you don't profit from a penny of his rather than thinking about the life the pair of you can have and afford together. He also sounds rude. If he thinks you are a gold-digger he doesn't like you much.

Viviennemary Thu 11-Aug-16 21:34:58

Tell him to keep his money and you'll keep yours. No point in getting together with such a person who wants all his own way. I realise it must be difficult when people get together and already have children they want to provide for or leave assets to. But he sounds a bit I'm keeping all my stuff but we can share yours and you can pay half. Don't even think about it. It would be you taking all the risks. Never a very good idea IMHO.

RandomMess Thu 11-Aug-16 21:35:07

Nope don't move in with him, certainly don't move to an isolated property for him - you KNOW you hate it.

NameChange23 Thu 11-Aug-16 21:35:14

His ex wife earns as much as he does and have similar accepts, so 50/50 was fair, IMO, in their particular case.

They split the assets 50/50 angle he is still contributing to his son's expenses (which is fine with me, I would be the first to judge him if he wasn't there for his son)

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 11-Aug-16 21:35:30

He is. I wouldn't and couldn't see a future with a man like him and would be ending it. He's basically saying he thinks you are a gold digger!!

NameChange23 Thu 11-Aug-16 21:35:57


magoria Thu 11-Aug-16 21:36:06

I would stay where you are and where you can easily afford everything which is yours.

If you split up he has the luxury of additional salary and a spare house to ease it for him, where as you will be stuck paying in a new house until it sells.

Then you would have to move again.

DementedUnicorn Thu 11-Aug-16 21:37:58

No it should ideally be one pot of household cash and assets or where there's a huge difference in earnings it should be paid in equal percentages

AnotherEmma Thu 11-Aug-16 21:39:08

Nooooo... Don't move in with him! And do not under any circumstances sell your lovely house to move in with him! If you were going to move in together, I would suggest renting out your house so could just move back in if you split up. But actually I don't think you should even do that. He sounds tight, it's completely unreasonable to expect 50-50 and then to accuse you of being a "gold digger" when you object blush I think he is going to expect and demand all the power and control because he has more money.

AnotherEmma Thu 11-Aug-16 21:39:45

Should have been angry not blush!

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 11-Aug-16 21:39:46

I'd rent your place out so say you get 750pcm rent (just a total rough figure as an example) then use that cash to rent somewhere and he can put in the same amount and see how you get on renting together first. I don't think it will be long before you are back in your own house when he is so miserable.

Haffdonga Thu 11-Aug-16 21:40:20

Why do you actually want to move in with him? Your house sounds lovely. Your lifestyle sounds good. Your ds sounds happy. Why not leave things as they are?

ElspethFlashman Thu 11-Aug-16 21:41:48

C'mon now... you're an intelligent woman.

You know this is bananas.

AnotherEmma Thu 11-Aug-16 21:42:32

Also you are actually not compatible when it comes to living together, since he wants to live in the country and you want to live in the city. If you want to stay with him (although he doesn't sound amazing, to be blunt) I suggest you stick to living separately.

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