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LDR Advice

(13 Posts)
ladybird579 Thu 11-Aug-16 19:31:20

I met my now boyfriend a year ago. I have 2 boys aged nearly 18. One is autistic but both are getting very independent and manage on their own for 2 weeks or so at a time with no problems. My boyfriend has gone to work in Germany. We were going to split but we love each other and couldn't do it in the end. My ex is on the scene after battling health problems he seems to be winning. He is moving to be near us so he can see more of the boys. He wants to have the boys live with him. The boys are up for this but my adult daughter who hates my ex is against it.

I would like to go to Germany to live with my boyfriend at some point. ( in the next year or so) My family are supportive of this idea but it means trusting my ex to keep an eye on the boys. I feel ripped in two. I can't imagine life without my boyfriend and I can't imagine how it will be if I go for my boys. Am 55 and feel life is passing me by. I don't have the time to wait it out for years and years. My mum dies last Monday and I see how life is so short. The boys do not want to live in Germany and are happy to be with their dad but I feel like am abandoning them sad

Opentooffers Thu 11-Aug-16 20:00:22

I'd say don't make any promises, over when or if, you could go to Germany to your BF at this stage. In the meantime when your ex is set up for your boys, let him have them, be around for a good while first to see how it goes. If it all goes well with their Dad, then a move could be possible.
You can't however make solid plans till you know how it's going to go, so just in case, don't go planning with your BF until things pan out, otherwise it will set him up for greater disappointment if it does not go well with their Dad. I wish you luck.

ladybird579 Thu 11-Aug-16 20:12:59

Thanks. B/friend knows I can't go over for good until I've got the boys settled either with their dad or him very close by to be around on a daily basis. I've also got much older adult kids willing to supervise them too. The boys are twins and sensible. I've been to Germany to visit and left them here and they cooked, cleaned and shopped, looked after our cats and had no wild parties. smile I've got 2 year timescale in my head but am flexible.

FreeFromHarm Thu 11-Aug-16 20:21:06

Do you live with your bf, living in another Country is slightly different than being close ?

FreeFromHarm Thu 11-Aug-16 20:22:16

oops did , sorry for typo

ladybird579 Thu 11-Aug-16 20:22:34

No, he's not here.

ladybird579 Thu 11-Aug-16 20:23:13

Yes I did when he was here. sorry misunderstood

ladybird579 Thu 11-Aug-16 20:24:31

Am not going to be dependent on him if and when I go. I will have a job and could get my own place if it went wrong between us.

FreeFromHarm Thu 11-Aug-16 20:37:49

I couldn't leave my dc's and they are of all ages , I know life is short and yes you could come back, maybe do a trial run for a couple of months, test the water so to speak

ladybird579 Thu 11-Aug-16 20:50:24

I feel bad but, being honest, I could leave them. I know I'll miss them but they are happy doing their own thing and I hardly see them from one day to the next now. I work long hours and they get on with their own lives quite happily. Even when I am in they are in their rooms on computers. They will be adults all too soon and are already discussing moving in with their older siblings who have a large shared house. I know they will be gone before I know it. Germany is not a long way away. I get there in a few hours and they could visit me and me visit them.

FreeFromHarm Thu 11-Aug-16 21:22:07

You said you were going to split up, I would just be a bit wary , it's only been a year , seems a big step that is all .

ladybird579 Thu 11-Aug-16 21:31:57

The splitting up wasn't cos we had problems between us but cos he could see his going was leaving me in limbo. It was never a serious option to split. He wanted to wait to leave until the boys were older but the referendum and uncertainly about working in the EU put pay to that. I don't see it as a big step. I worked in Europe for years and can look after myself it it went wrong. I agree I need to be careful tho. smile My intention is to visit a lot and see how things pan out before I make the leap.

pennypurple Thu 11-Aug-16 21:34:33

You have such a lot going on right now flowers I'm so sorry about your mum.

Don't do anything rash, take some time to think, even if this is only a few weeks or a couple of months. Talk to your adult children, their views will be useful, and make a decision when everything has calmed down a bit, including your grief.

Please don't take any crazy risks. Be careful here, and remember that your stability and sanity is vital to your children's wellbeing. Take care of yourself x

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