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hes gone out instead of talking to me

(15 Posts)
Fouristhebestnumber Thu 11-Aug-16 19:29:44

I had a big row with dp last night. It's been building for a while.

We've been together 3 years. We both had unhappy relationships previously so we really appreciated each other. Its been great.

I have a ds from a previous marriage, he's 5. Dp has 3 dc, 2 boys and a girl. The kids get on brilliantly. My ds and his dd are especially close. I thought we were really happy.

In the last few months I've felt like dp is going off me. We used to have a lot of, erm, bedroom activity, but it's dwindled to roughly once a week, and tbh I feel like he forces himself to do that. Sometimes I'll be giving him a cuddle and I'll think it's going somewhere but he doesn't react to me physically at all if you know what I mean. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and almost like a dirty old woman. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's how I feel. I feel unwanted and undesirable. He swears it's not me. He's tired. Work has been busy. The dc wear him out. It's too late. There's always an excuse. I'm not trying it on with him relentlessly btw. All I want is a happy, mutually enjoyable love life.

He is also very negative about his dc. We have them eow and one weekday. He never looks forward to them coming. He moans about them coming. He admits to me he wishes they'd never been born. He's kind to them and provides for them and they love him but I feel uncomfortable knowing how he really feels.

Tonight he told me he's going to get a drink. He hasn't come back. He's just text to say he's in the pub and isn't coming back till late. I wanted to talk about us and fixing this but he wants to stay in the pub.

Am I being crazy? He's the world to me. We were getting married. I don't know why he's become like this.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Thu 11-Aug-16 19:34:02

Yes. Crazy that you havnt rejected a man for felling like that about his own children. If he can turn off from his own flesh and blood , turning off from his partner is not going to be a problem.

Why would you wNt yo marry a man who is so detached and wishes his own children were not born. What kind of man do you think you with?

Msqueen33 Thu 11-Aug-16 19:35:14

I'd say depression or possibly an affair. Especially with the going off sex thing. Does he elaborate why he wishes the kids had never been born? A friend of mine split up with his ex who by all accounts is a nutter and he adores his child but often says he wishes he'd not had him with her. When I'm stressed I tend to withdrawn (I tend to be more like a bloke) and need time out. Maybe give him tonight and then have a chat. Sorry you're going through this. Doesn't sound nice.

Fouristhebestnumber Thu 11-Aug-16 19:37:45

I don't know. I Iove his dc. His ds2 especially is so sweet. His eldest ds has autism and can be challenging. Dp hasn't got a clue how to deal with it. I bought him a book on dealing with autistic children but he didn't read it.

He claims his ex forced him into having dc.

FleursDuMal Thu 11-Aug-16 19:44:40

Forced him really?! I think that is very hard to believe. Anyway, there are three kids here now forced or otherwise. I would be reviewing my future with this man if I were in your shoes, the things he has admitted to feeling about his own DC reveal a very selfish, nasty and irresponsible character. You sound like a lovely person OP who deserves a lot better in her life.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 11-Aug-16 19:46:10

If he can't even love his own DC, what chance does your DS have of love from him?

Opentooffers Thu 11-Aug-16 19:48:48

His attitude to his children is of deep concern. TBH if a man moaned to me about his kids visiting, as he does, I'd find that a total turn-off and he'd lose a lot of respect from me. I wonder how it is that has it not phased you at all?
Why is he your world? Have you got him on a pedestal? Perhaps it has just taken this long for his mask to slip and now you are seeing the real him.
There are red flags waving, take heed. Do you know why his last relationship failed? That could be a little telling, especially if you could get the ex-wife's point of view.

toptoe Thu 11-Aug-16 19:51:12

I don't think you need to have anything to do with a man who says he wished his own children hadn't been born. He's being honest with you on that one - he's telling you he wished his children didn't exist. That is all you need to know about him to make your choice. No one - not you, not his children, not your children - are ever going to be put above himself.

Lweji Thu 11-Aug-16 19:52:25

Do you have any idea about his feelings on your DS?

Not sure this is someone I'd want to marry, TBH. From what you say, there are seeds there for a miserable marriage.

Fouristhebestnumber Thu 11-Aug-16 19:56:26

I know it's bad. He thinks it doesn't matter because he's always good to the dc. He says as long as he always shows them love they'll not know it isn't real.

Thing is, I grew up with a dad who felt the same about me, and as I got older I became painfully aware of it and it's something I still live with now.

I don't know if I could face ending it. My ds loves him and his dc so much. The other day he drew a picture of him, me, dp and dps 3 dc. He titled it "my (town where I live) family". How could I disrupt his life again? My mum loves dp. His mum loves me. I can't afford to live alone. There's just so much at stake.

Still isn't home.

Fouristhebestnumber Thu 11-Aug-16 19:59:15

He cares for my ds. Takes him swimming etc. He looked after him when he was sick the other week. I've never asked if he loves him. Think I'm afraid of his answer. Furthermore if he said yes I don't know if I'd believe it sad

Msqueen33 Thu 11-Aug-16 20:05:40

Babysitters also can do what your dp does. He sounds like a bastard. Better he leaves now than damages your child for life. Because as he gets older he'll realise dp accepts him but he's an inconvenience

Cary2012 Thu 11-Aug-16 20:35:13

So you had a dad who faked it, and now you have a man who fakes what most parents feel unconditionally. You deserved better then and do now. And so do those little ones. Perhaps your bar is so low because of your dad? Time to toughen up and realise your self worth, you owe it to your daughter.

SandyY2K Thu 11-Aug-16 20:56:19

Maybe he's depressed and needs some space, hence he's gone out.

I've never known anyone say they wish their kids weren't born. I do know people, especially women feel lumbered and regretful when their partners leave them to raise babies after cheating, but that's a bit different.

Is he saying this because of the amount of child support he has to pay maybe.

So his ex forced him to have 3 children? That is simply bull. I might believe if he said she planned 1 child without his consent or knowledge, but not the next 2. After that he should have covered up to prevent further pregnancies.

ravenmum Thu 11-Aug-16 21:23:42

Apparently I forced my ex to father our children too - not by tricking him or anything but by using my wily women's ways to make him agree to have them. Then later I evilly prevented him from fulfilling his greatest wish in the world, to have a third child. Or so I read in his emails to OW (the last part after she said she wanted a child with him). At the time he seemed to want the first two, and seemed to agree that we couldn't afford a third. But no, apparently I was such a bitch that he couldn't resist.

OP, if he said he just regretted having children I could appreciate that as being honest with you. But saying that he just pretends to love them? And denying all responsibility for their existence? Would suggest a personality disorder to me, or mental health problems.

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