Partner procrastinates about everything, never takes me out and fed up

[Summerisgood]

I have a reasonable partner now. In the past he did muck me around, committed, then got cold feet. Anyway, zoom to now where he says he does want to be with me. However, he just never, ever takes me out. He hardly ever says he loves me. He doesn't see the point in dinners or theatre or social situations. He used to go out on his own as he loves dancing, he has a lot of physical energy but doesn't like social chit chat. He never likes to go away, anywhere.

Our relationship badly needs some building up. So what do we do? Sick of being the one corralling him to go out.

[60sname]

I had a partner who didn't like any of the same stuff as me, or socialising as much. In the end I broke it off and found someone else (DH) who I am much better matched with.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why are you and he together at all Summer, what do you get out of this relationship now?

[Summerisgood]

We have a child together. He does love me. He is probably a bit autistic to be honest, only likes socialising if it is sport or dance.

[SystemAticcally]

You might have to teach him to do these activities with you using qui pro quo.

Do some things that he likes with him (including sex) but in exchange he'll have to do the things you enjoy.

[PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass]

Do not use sex as a bargaining tool!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. It makes me think that your relationship bar is still way too low.

How can you state "he does love me"?. How does he show you that he loves you via words and actions?.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to teach your child?

And why do you think he is probably a bit autistic; apart from that comment sounding awful what if he is not on the spectrum at all? You cannot blithely assume that either because that shows your own lack of understanding of what ASD actually is. Even if he is on the spectrum that is still no free pass to treat you like this.

[User545454]

its all about compromise go to some things he'll enjoy sports/dance stuff and then he can make an effort to please you. I personally really dislike busy restaurants and the theatre nothing to with ASD I'm an introvert and don't really enjoy going to spend time in busy places , I find it so unrelaxing and claustrophobic doesn't feel very intimate when others can hear your conversation and you there's. My DP knows this and although I'd willingly go to one of these things he doesn't push it on me , we go for dinner mid week when it's not going to be ram packed! Do you offer to go to any places or events he enjoys? Just be a bit blunt and say I fancy doing this do you want to come or I'll go with a friend if not. Definetly don't have sex with him in order to get him to do things with/for you, what awful advice! How long have you been together and do you live together?

[Summerisgood]

Thanks all. We have lived together for 4 years. I have really tried to accommodate where he is. I go to some sports and dance stuff and learnt a sport that he enjoyed so that we could share it. The trouble was, he found it difficult to relax if I was there, he preferred just being there on his own.

He genuinely does not see why we have to go out at all, or go anywhere for holidays or weekends away. He'll sometimes do that for other people 'because he doesn't see them day to day, but he does see me all the time so why go out together'. That is his explanation.

He loves me in the way that he is always there, always cheerful and always willing to listen to me. He is a good provider to our child and to me, he will do me little favours and help me out if I ask for any 'task' like odd jobs, finance, anything practical.

I say he may be a little autistic not as a throw away comment. He always jokes with me that 'he is on the spectrum'. Then when we had out child together, who is very similar to him, I realised that our child was autistic (severe). Like others have said, that doesn't excuse Behaviour, or solve my situation. Because we've had a rocky time in our relationship, I do really feel we have to go through this 'dating' and 'feeling special' stage, well I do really!

[Summerisgood]

P.s. Our sex life is great! (Not showing off!) I wouldn't deprive myself!

[User545454]

Has he never done these things? That would really irritate me to! Can't you leave him with kids and go and do some things you enjoy with friends?

[Cabrinha]

It sounds like he can cope with going out, so you're not asking him to do something that is going to be realjy difficult or awful.

You may need to compromise on frequency, but if this is important to you I would tell him that and agree he will instigate x number of nights out / weekends away / holidays.

You say he listens to you, and does things you ask him to. In your situation, I might be prepared to "take on" the annual holiday decision - but agree with him that he is coming. Then ask him to take on organising 2 weekends away per year - one your birthday (to help him) one approx 6 months later but up to him - so you don't lose all sense of surprise

And then x nights out - that's really personal how many you want, how many he can cope with.

If he's not prepared to commit to those - even if he personally doesn't see the point - I would question how much he is willing to put into your relationship.

[Summerisgood]

Thanks both above, and Cabrinha - I will certainly try that. Perhaps something more 'concrete' will help. I don't expect the frequency that I'd ideally like, but I am quite independent (luckily)! I do go for weekends away myself sometimes, or with friends.

Part of me is irritated is that when he first met me, he did all of these things - in fact he couldn't do enough for me! We had a holiday, dates. I wasn't that keen so he did have to really try hard. Since I moved in...

Maybe I should move out again!