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Help! After 16 months separated my marriage is really over!

(10 Posts)
Goodgirl77 Thu 11-Aug-16 11:06:02

Just looking for some friendly advice and support. After many months of trying to see if we could work things out my husband has finally admitted he doesn't see a future together. A day before our 10th wedding anniversary! We've been living apart for 16 months so it's not like it felt when he left but I am choked with emotion. I made mistakes but he did repeatedly cheat! I can't believe I got him so wrong, I feel like such a bad judge of character. I'm in work and shell shocked and my family aren't big fans of his so I can't go crying to them. We have a four year old and I'm devastated that this is the outcome for her. I don't really want to share my feelings with friends and only 3 know what's going on! I could really do with some support. I'm trying to be practical now and look at how we formalise splitting to take my mind off stuff but all advice is appreciated! X

Cary2012 Thu 11-Aug-16 11:22:10

Of course you feel gutted. Whilst you were separated there was the chance you could make it work, so his decision has made it real and final. Take time to get used to the idea. When you feel stronger get a good family lawyer and instigate the divorce. I spent years soul searching and trying to get in my ex husband's head to try to understand the reasons why. Waste of time. Sounds like this is for the best, he cheated repeatedly? Your feelings about your daughter are completely natural, I hated that my 3 kids wouldn't have the family unit I so wanted for them, but they were fine. Do talk to a RL friend if possible, it will help. You're not a bad
judge of character, this really is down to him.

Goodgirl77 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:15:44

Thanks Cary2012! Appreciate you taking the time to post!

Firsttimer82 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:22:20

You are bound to be upset, what woman wouldn't but I can tell you this, You deserve better. And there is better out there for you! now you know you can get on with your new life. The best revenge is being truly happy. Better days are to come. Time (when you are ready) to kick back up to the surface. Look after yourself. And talk to your mates, its what they are there for. Good Luck!!!

SandyY2K Thu 11-Aug-16 12:33:30

Sorry but at least you don't have to wonder if he's cheating all the time. When you take a serial cheat back time and again, they loose respect and think you can't live without them.

What have you done in the 16 months to build yourself up to a place where you can function without him?

He's probably found a woman he's been able to give a trial and doesn't need you as the fall back or plan B.

Don't beg or plead. Don't discuss non child related or divorce/split of assets with him.

Be glad you no longer have to wonder if he's cheating on you.

Goodgirl77 Thu 11-Aug-16 15:16:12

Thanks everyone. I'm very self sufficient. That still doesn't mean I don't miss him even with his history! It's just really horrible. I don't want to be mad as that just hurts me but I can't pretend to be indifferent either. I know this is about going through it, as they say when you're going through hell you just got to keep going. I wish I was stronger!

saraanner Sun 14-Aug-16 12:17:02

My husband left three months ago after falling for someone else at work. We have three children together and I miss him desperately. We have three children together and have been married for ten years but together for seventeen in total. His head is all over the place, he just started to come off anti ds after five years on them but he says he no longer feels like he loves me. I feel like we should try to reconnect as we were so good together for so long but he doesn't seem to want to. Should I just give up on him as I would hate to be in the op position in a years time? What did you do to try to make it work op? Was it worth it or should you have called it quits sixteen months ago?

candybar007 Sun 14-Aug-16 16:14:38

I bet my bottom dollar that your daughter will adapt and surprise you more than you can imagine right now, you say your family aren`t big fans of his so I see this as a plus to them being there for you not a minus.

Goodgirl77 Sun 14-Aug-16 21:55:27

Saraanner if I've learnt anything it's that you've got to do what you feel you have to do. We did try couselling, things did improve, but in reality it failed because his heart wasn't in it. I never imagined when he first left that this would have been so uncertain even a year later! I would search the Internet and read books torn between how to fix things and how to move on. I think after 16 years it's ok to move between feelings and what to do. All part of the grieving. We've both been reluctant to let go for different reasons. Every couple is different, look after yourself. You'll surprise yourself by how much you can do but don't be rushed into anything just do what you need to do. I know how it feels and how it's hurts. Best you can do for now is to try to look after yourself and treat yourself well!

saraanner Tue 23-Aug-16 01:10:28

Thanks for replying. It looks like I have no choice in the matter anyway. He has been round tonight and is adamant that we will be better off apart 😞 He says he has felt things weren't right for a couple of years (despite us having just had a planned baby!) I still think we should try and work on things but he says he's caused too much hurt and we've grown too far apart. We are going to counselling together next week to help us to come to terms with it being the end. I am going to file for divorce straight after as I feel like I can't move on at the minute. Hope you are feeling stronger?

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