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Partner doesn't contribute

(32 Posts)
LucyZa Thu 11-Aug-16 08:10:41

Hi all, I've been with my partner for 5 years. when we met he was separated and has 3 kids. That wasn't a big issue for me at the time.

However Our relationship progressed, I got pregnant and he moved into my house. It's when our daughter was born that things changed. He pays half his wages to his ex and therefore has no money left for us. He doesn't contribute to the mortgage and I have to beg him to pay half the bils. I pay for everything for our child while he worries about paying his ex and the kids. I could get over that but now he is off work and living with him is a nightmare, he is constantly moody and sulky. He is dragging his heels on his divorce and we are 5 years in with a child yet he has no urgency to do anything. He gets odd if I want to meet friend.if I go for a cigarette at home without asking him to come he gets odd, if I call to my parents he arrives up and I have no space.if I go we go to bed at the same time he gets annoyed if I want to sleep while he reads. If i want to go to bed rather than watch TV with him he gets odd.
Our weekends have to revolve around meeting his other kids, which is ok as I want my daughter to have a bond with them but when I need or want to do my own thing and meet my friends this not seeing them he won't talk to me for the weekend.Also when I would prefer to have a day with my daughter alone rather than spending the day with them it ruins the weekend.
On top of that we have a child who doesn't sleep and I have to get up during the night to her while he Sleeps even though I am the one working. I do all the housework and clean up and child care while he sits surfing the net. If I ask him to help out he gets annoyed like a teenager. Maybe I am being unreasonable as he does occasionally get his act together and help out but then the novelty of that wears off.
As a result I have been diagnosed with a stress ulcer, have lost weight and I just can't handle the lack of emotional, physical, financial support.
I need advice on how i can approach the subject of him leaving. We discussed it before as I have given him ultimatums which never work. When I asked him to leave he threatens me and says I will have to call the guards to get him to go. I just don't know what to do anymore

TheNaze73 Thu 11-Aug-16 08:19:40

I think he's sounding utterly depressed. Totally of his own making however & you must have known just how much baggage he was carrying & the financial implications of this??
Sorry to sound harsh but, I really don't think he's that bothered about you. We make time in life for what we prioritise & sadly I don't think he sees you as one. I think the enormity of his financial burden over the next XX amount of years, is sending him spiralling. On one hand I think, fair play he's pulling his weight financially for his past (this however shouldn't be applauded, this should be the norm) however, he shouldn't be treating you & your DD like this and you need to get out. Do you have friends, who could be there when you confront him, if you think
he'll kick off?

SandyY2K Thu 11-Aug-16 08:20:57

It doesn't seem like he brings anything to your relationship except stress.

He's basically living off you for free. He's a freeloader and I wouldn't have it.

If he didn't live off you he wouldn't be able to pay half his wages to his Ex, as how could he afford rent and bills? Unless he moves into a shared house.

His behaviour reeks of jealousy, control and manipulation. Why you'd want to marry him is beyond me TBH.

I'd tell him you aren't happy and want it over and give him a date to leave.

But for the future, a man with an Ex and 3 kids will have lots to pay out. Your man just wants to freeload.

LucyZa Thu 11-Aug-16 09:32:51

Thanks all, truth hurts. I suppose I thought when I had our daughter that he would look at the his maintenance payments to factor her in but he hasn't it as he knows I am working and can look after her.
Its the principle of his getting divorced that is the issue now - the last thing i want to do is marry him now.
I think my resentment is fueling it too - I know i will not be able to take parental leave as he cant support us, I know too that I cant have another child as he cant support that either.

Grumpyoldblonde Thu 11-Aug-16 09:47:11

He won't change, or maybe for a week or two when he realises you are serious and want to end things.
You have a choice, put up with him for years, years more of sulking, clearing up after him, doing everything, paying everything, eventually hating him or getting rid, he sounds like a complete loser tbh - you only get one crack at this life, your child only gets one crack at childhood, he will make it a miserable endurance test.

LucyZa Thu 11-Aug-16 10:06:00

Thanks, just wondering what you think about the other kids thing. I get on great with them but is it selfish of me to not want to spend every weekend with them and have my own quality time with my daughter. To tell him I will meet them all for a couple of hours but want spend some time to myself and my daughter on our own too.
or should i spend my weekends with them as part of a family?

SandyY2K Thu 11-Aug-16 10:14:22

It's not selfish of you to want quality time with your DD alone.
I suggest you plan things with her and leave him with his other DCs.

If he starts sulking. Tell him he is free to leave and in fact he should do that, if he can't see your point.

He should have applied to reduce the CS for his other kids, he doesn't want to

If you do the right thing and split from him, then apply for CS, he'll have to reduce the payment for the other kids.

I just want to say they getting with a seperated man is just not a great idea. I don't know why they split, did they not have assets to divide?

Get rid of him. He's as useful as a knitted condom.

Grumpyoldblonde Thu 11-Aug-16 10:18:20

From what you have said, and I admit I am extrapolating a lot here, you probably make it easier for him to be with his kids, he doesn't sound like an active part of the family (you clean/work/get up in the night) He probably relies on you a lot to plan the days with his children.
I may be wrong, but he seems to think everything revolves around him and his just being there is enough - it's not. He should be active in running the home, paying the bills, parenting his children, and he isn't, and won't ever be - why should he? You are there doing it all, and you can decide not to.

THirdEeye Thu 11-Aug-16 10:20:52

He's a cocklodger and also quite controlling etc.

I think you will find that your stress related issues will disappear when he is out of your life.

You will also find that you will be happier.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Thu 11-Aug-16 10:22:27

I'm a bit of a cynic, but he strikes me a cocklodger. You have a home he doesn't have to contribute to and you have a baby to cement his feet under the table position.
I would get rid.

Isetan Thu 11-Aug-16 10:26:34

Stop asking 'Why he's an entitled arse' and start asking 'Why the hell you've put up with this'? This is who he is and has always been, stop waiting for him to be someone else and never prioritise someone who treats you and your child as an option.

You know what you must do.

maras2 Thu 11-Aug-16 10:30:46

Call his bluff and call the Garda.

LucyZa Thu 11-Aug-16 10:34:42

yes you are right he is using our daughter to spend time with his other kids as they are bored with just him on his own. He uses her as a distraction for them on the sundays he has them.
Yep I look like a complete fool really.
I am making him out to be a monster, when he isn't really just a bit of a waste of space

THirdEeye Thu 11-Aug-16 11:08:54

What you wrote is the truth....stop minimising his behaviour!

He is controlling, is financially abusive (in the sense that he does not provide for his daughter), gaslights/gives you the silent treatment and is now trying to alienate you from family/friends.

Sorry to be blunt but he needs to go.....this is not a good relationship and he is not a good father.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 11-Aug-16 11:22:20

Good grief.
Why oh why oh why the hell are you putting up with this shite.
He's a cocklodger of the highest order.
And controlling and abusive to boot.
You know what to do.
If he says you'll have to call the cops then call them.
Tell him he has 2 days to get his shit together and get out of YOUR house or you will let his family and friends know exactly what he is like.
Then if you need to call the police then call them.
It's really simple.
When he's out change the locks so he has no way of getting back in again.
Then contact the CSA and get child support sorted out if you can.
You KNOW you and your DD deserve better than this prick.
So get rid and show your DD that no-one puts up with being treated like a door mat.

redexpat Thu 11-Aug-16 11:29:02

Give him some sort of notice to move out. An email that tells you when it gas been read. If he is still there then yes call the garda. I would also hide valuables before you tell him.

SandyY2K Thu 11-Aug-16 11:39:23

One thing to remember, is that people can only use you if you let them.

I've learned that asking 'why' gets you nowhere. Just accept that he is who he is and resolve to show your DD what a strong woman looks like and let her see a better example of a father.

adora1 Thu 11-Aug-16 15:40:00

He's using you OP for a free ride, and it's pretty disgusting, I think you know this deep down, only you can change things, he will be quite happy to carry on using you, your life sounds joyless, it shouldn't be, stop carrying him, he's a big boy now.

tipsytrifle Thu 11-Aug-16 16:08:17

So is he not working now and not contributing to either of his families? He sounds awful in every way. Evading responsibility because in truth he doesn't care about anyone but himself. His control over you is abusive. I think - but don't know - that he has few rights to remain in your home as you aren't married and he presumably isn't named on the mortgage/tenancy. Legal advice would be good right now, with a definite view to getting him gone. Are you ready for that yet or do you think it is salvageable?

happypoobum Thu 11-Aug-16 16:16:33

Cocklodger, why are you still tolerating this?

Get rid of him. Is his name on the mortgage? If not you just have to tell him he has to leave by x date.

Thank God you didn't marry the free loading twatbadger.

LucyZa Thu 11-Aug-16 20:49:57

No he is paying his wife and kids maintenance as she will take him back to court if he doesn't! He will do food shopping here but is always broke and I know if I lost my job or got dick he outfit support us. He will pay bills when I demand his half. I don't have him on the lease as don't want him to have any rights. Btw I'm not defending him I hey want to be sur

LucyZa Thu 11-Aug-16 20:50:46

To be sure I'm not over reacting or wing unreasonable. He will pay up or help Putin I get mad!!

LucyZa Thu 11-Aug-16 20:52:22

Today 20:49 LucyZa

No he is paying his wife and kids maintenance as she will take him back to court if he doesn't! He will do food shopping here but is always broke and I know if I lost my job or got dick he outfit support us. He will pay bills when I demand his half. I don't have him on the lease as don't want him to have any rights. Btw I'm not defending him I want to be Sure I'm. It overreacting or being unreasonable .he will help or pay his way when I make a big fuss

LucyZa Thu 11-Aug-16 21:01:09

It's not the money I care about it I just feel stifled, he's always here, and we live in a small apartment. we have to spend all weekend together and I have no quality time with my little girl. I mean it's not normal for a couple to be together 24/7. Or is that being part of a family??? I don't even enjoy his company

SandyY2K Thu 11-Aug-16 21:16:32

I don't even enjoy his company.

Nothing more to say then, other than to tell him you are ending the relationship and give him a date to move out by the end of the month.

Where he goes is not your problem. He just needs to go.

I'm sure his ex is so happy he's no longer her problem.

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