Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He wants a break....Multiples and Meds....

(28 Posts)
MummyMaddie Wed 10-Aug-16 23:40:38

After 10years together, nearly 4 years of marriage and 3 children aged6 & twins 2.5. He says he needs to clear his head.
He's been unhappy for a long time and were not a couple anymore. He's struggling with feeling angry all the time and has zero tolerance with the children and me. He's not been physically violent to any of us, but he's not coping. He's been on antidepressants, none seem to be helping, he says he's not depressed although he shows symptoms
And he thinks it's our circumstances that make him feel so unhappy. He thinks by clearing his head we will make this better and it'll be better for the children and I might be happier. I'm also on antidepressants 😬 Had pnd and anxiety issues. I've been bad lately so that hasn't helped but I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and wondering how the children will be. They adore daddy and are so excited when he comes through the door after work.
But he says I don't do enough round the house and I take them out to much to socialise..... We're not in agreement, but I'm not sure what's best. I was distraught in tears a lot for a few days every time we had a chance to talk in the rare evenings together. (Children don't sleep well or I fall asleep putting them to bed exhausted)
And then I'm angry that he thinks it's ok to take a break, and today I'm a mixed bag but think it makes sense if he's worried about his anger etc.. I think I'm just worried this might be the beginning of the end if he goes. Has anyone been in similar situations or had a break in a marriage and made it back together so much happier afterwards?
How long do I give him? I was planning on telling the kids he was working later now and arrange a tea Time play and he can have them for a few hours whilst I go out and maybe a family day out on the weekends?? Thoughts anyone. I'm so messed up about this and being on new antidepressants myself this month I'm not
Sure what emotions are right or whether I'm responding how I should to this.... Thanks xx first time
Posting, sorry about the rant xx

cammyli Thu 11-Aug-16 00:45:55

I could of wrote this exact post myself around 3 months ago! Me and my ex had a fall out he decided to leave I assumed all would be well and we'd make up but he told me he was glad we were over and he was moving in with a friend, came as a huge blow! I didn't know what to do either, obviously I wanted him back I went the wrong way about it though, I did the whole pestering, neediness, asking for him back route, and tbh I think I postponed it and pushed him away further. Literally breaking down every time I seen him! He told me he wanted to see how things went with us before moving back in, and I was thinking is he stringing me along? How long do I wait ect? My advice to you would be is to jus relax for now, he isn't going anywhere, let him have his time he needs, he'll be back, don't pester him asking when he's coming back ect, let him see that your happy and out doing things, and then it'll make him wander and see what he's missing I guarantee! You'll have your weak moments when your sat there dying to text or ring him but honestly don't do it wait for him to come to you, it will work in your favour X

magoria Thu 11-Aug-16 07:08:42

Sounds like as soon as you are ill and not coping well he is out of there.

He gets to rest and look after himself with the odd dip into family life when it suits him while you potentially sink with 3 kids to support.

Make arrangements for him to have the 3 DC every other weekend and once during the week so that you get a large chunk of downtime to de stress too.

He has effectively bailed out right now.

You need to look after yourself first for your DC. You are no good to them a mess.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Aug-16 07:18:20

Look for OW. Sorry flowers

Cabrinha Thu 11-Aug-16 07:20:08

Tell him he can have a break from the relationship on two conditions.

1. It's a break from the relationship, not from his children
2. It's a break supported by couples counselling

Find somewhere to stay (a relative?) and start a nesting arrangement. That's where the kids stay in one place but the adults are the ones to move in and out. Make sure he does 50% of his non working time with them (sounds like he works FT and you are a SAHM?) - so you do Sat he can do Sun, or whatever. Leave him responsible for all of his and their feeding and cleaning and laundry on his days. So if he walks in at 18:00 on a Wed, you walk straight out - and there is no meal for everyone waiting first prepared by you.

As I said - he can take a break from his marriage all he likes, but tell him his children aren't optional.

welliesandwine Thu 11-Aug-16 07:28:15

I think Cabrinha's suggestion is a very good one..

MummyMaddie Thu 11-Aug-16 10:06:49

Thankyou for your replies. I'm trying to get through a mound of housework and washing out away today - he says I don't do enough round the house and I'm thinking he's probably right 😔 I just find it so hard with three Dc.

Cammyli- do you have children too? How was the break on them, did you explain what was happening etc?
I'm so worried how this will effect them and what to say etc.
I keep thinking if he goes, misses me and comes back, then that's not going to solve the problems just make me feel like he can do it all again when he feels bad.....

Margoria- I think I sway between him bailing out and being an arse and then that he's trying to make things better and is worried about his anger issues etc.
But I hear what you're saying. I'm not sure how downtime will work if he doesn't cope well with them when they're all demanding etc as I won't be there for back up. Unless he has them at grandparents etc.

Cabrinha- sounds like you've seen similar or been in a similar situation? I like the nesting idea, the kids and their wellbeing will be the most important thing always.
I have talked about counselling and various things before and he just says he needs to leave to clear his head before he decides a plan....

Thanks lovelies xx

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Thu 11-Aug-16 10:11:29

Another feckless father who is too selfish to consider anyone but himself.
Best of luck OP.

Msqueen33 Thu 11-Aug-16 10:14:48

Sigh another man who is more important than his kids. I'd second/third a nesting arrangement. If your relationship isn't working it's no excuse to bail on the children.

Sootica Thu 11-Aug-16 10:17:40

Fuck him. You get out the house as much as you need to to cope with 2 yr old twins. It would be perfectly reasonable to do the bare minimum all week and have a blitz at the weekend whilst he takes the kids out or vice versa !

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Thu 11-Aug-16 10:17:46

He's not been happy for a long time! Have you read the 'script' Op? You do X,Y and Z wrong! Read the 'Script'! He needs time to clear his head, yep, pretty sure that's in there too. He's the victim and his home life is the cause of his misery. That's also there. Look for the OW Op. flowers

Isetan Thu 11-Aug-16 10:19:40

Sounds like he wants to be single, with the option to dip in and out of family life when convenient. As another poster said, he can bail out of the relationship but he doesn't get to bail out on his kids. Make sure that there is a contact schedule in place where he has responsibility for his kids because the single life doesn't include you taking up his slack and listening to his whinging.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 11-Aug-16 10:20:41

Ah, so he needs a break and you need to work harder?

Both on anti-depressants? Obviously he needs a break.

I'm sorry but I think you are married to a selfish arse. Fwiw, if you have 3 kids and depression getting out and socialising is exactly the right thing to do.

Quite possibly an OW, maybe at work, so he gives you unrealistic demands, so you fail, and he feels justified in leaving.

If I were you, I'd humour this 'break' he needs and a break from you means a discontinuity in all the support and services you provide, along with sole responsibility for his children when he has time with them.

I think he just thinks of you as a domestic appliance.

Quietly get your paperwork in order and prepare to fly solo.

So sorry if this view upsets you, and of course it is purely based on your post, but I would start protecting myself expecting the worst (which will probably be miles better than right now).

SandyY2K Thu 11-Aug-16 12:07:53

Ask him if this break will involve him having another relationship. Or define the rules of the seperation clearly. Are you both free to date?

Make clear visitation arrangements, so you get a break. Let's see how much he gets done around the house with toddlers.

MummyMaddie Sun 14-Aug-16 22:01:59

Thanks for all your input lovelies.
I've had a weekend alone with my dds and he's been away at his mums.
Says he misses the children, but he still is stuck on the record of me not doing enough around the house and he works all day etc and I go out with the children excessively!
They go to playgroup one morning, we visit family another day, and a friend of mine does us all tea and kids play one other afternoon. In between I do house stuff, washing etc and shopping, errands and look after our 3 dds. When at school I have to fit the school run in and I just have the twins to entertain. None of them are sedentary children, they are spirited and energetic and look for mischief all day at home😂 So I think I'm entitled to go out of the house. And if some days I leave in the morning in a rush and get nothing done before I go and he gets home to dirty dishes and no dinner in the oven. Is that really so awful???!!!
I wonder whether I'm angry now at the thought he's prepared to leave his gorgeous family life because it's not clean enough. Please understand me we do not live in squalor, there is no mouldy food, I Hoover most days and the washing is always done, just not always put away until
I blitz one day at the weekend.

I just don't get it. If he doesn't cope with the mess and it makes his anger worse then he needs to get some counselling not leave us 😢 I keep thinking I need to do more! But I don't think it's going to make him happy....

OMGtwins Sun 14-Aug-16 22:23:05

He's being an arse, he might have reasons, and I have sympathy for him finding it hard, but he needs to do something to help himself (which he might have been doing by going to Drs?). This is about him not you and he shouldn't be taking it out on you via having a go about what you've done in the house or not.

We have 3 year old twins, my wife stays at home and I work. I often come home to dirty dishes, toys on the floor and tea still to cook. That's just life. Don't get me wrong, it is hard and we are quite often knackered, but there's work to be done, so we just get on with it, and are looking forwards to when the twins go to nursery so it's a bit easier.

My wife also takes the kids out to 3 playgroups a week and also takes them out on the other days otherwise they climb the walls and are more difficult, so you shouldn't stop doing that.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you.

MummyMaddie Sun 14-Aug-16 23:21:29

Thankyou omgtwins. It's nice to hear it from a partner of twins who's wife is at home. That you come home to similar and just crack on and help out. It is knackering but rewarding in equal measures. My twins climb the walls too if they stay in all day, and it doesn't mean I get anymore done infact they usually make more mischief and mess 😬 I also imagine life easier with getting things done when they're at nursery but I'm trying to make the most of them whilst they're little and we have lots of time for fun.
I guess he doesn't see it like that.

glintwithpersperation Sun 14-Aug-16 23:54:59

What a twat. Tell him to shove the Hoover up his arse and fuck off back to mummy.

SeaCabbage Mon 15-Aug-16 10:32:02

Has he ever looked after all three of them and seen what it is like?

gildedcage Mon 15-Aug-16 14:55:26

My God, my heart is bleeding for him. He wants a break...who doesn't? He's attacked your little set up and now you're breaking your neck trying to do all the housework. When do you get your break??

Anyone with kids will tell you the same, it's exhausting. You can't dip your toe in and out of it. Sometimes there is mess, sometimes its 9 oclock before i could even think about washing etc...I had three in 4 years and always worked. Honestly I would have rather been at work, as much as anything you can have a hot drink or use the toilet without chaos descending! Obviously I adore my dc, but it's easy to think it's the easy option to be at home if you've never had three toddlers hanging off you! Perhaps if he helped more with them you would be able to get housework done??

I second the previous poster in that OK, if he wants a break he can have one, on the understanding that he steps up with the children, he sees them and has them for reasonable periods. That would give you a break and let him see how hard you work and let's him know it isn't an option to just leave his children.

MummyMaddie Mon 15-Aug-16 15:11:04

He has. But for a few hours. He says he gets too stressed out and doesn't cope. So it doesn't happen for any longer. Unfortunately although he's brilliant at being daddy and playing silly games when it comes to coping with them to go out etc he doesn't have alot of tolerance so get short and snappy.
He hasn't taken all 3 too the park together alone I don't think; perhaps once when the twins were little and in the pushchair... But not now they're more tricky to handle.

I don't know where to go with all this. I feel like I'm going in circles with him not being understanding and me not willing to stop taking the girls out for the days 😔 Xxx

DietCockBreak Mon 15-Aug-16 15:34:18

The script - everything he says screams OW to me.

Real life isn't rosy enough for him. You need to do more housework so he can have a break, ugh! You're not his fucking maid, you're supposed to be his life partner - oh, except when he fancies swanning off for a break and leaving you to do all the hard work of course. He's not committed, you're not in this together. You cannot solve this by doing a bit more housework and making things more cushy for him - he'll find fault with something to justify why him wanting out is your fault (not enough sex, house not clean enough, not enough attention/time for him). If this can be fixed it'll only be by couples counselling, both committing to exploring what each other's issues within the relationship are and both being really committed to try to improve those things. But he's not suggesting things that will help bring you together, he's not suggesting ways to fix things. Instead he's giving you excuses why he wants to leave you and the kids 'temporarily', while he has a look if the grass is greener on the other side, or whether actually it's worth putting up with the 'downside' of living with you and the kids for the benefit of convenience, finances and having his pants washed for him.

ImperialBlether Mon 15-Aug-16 15:46:08

So if he can't look after them, why does he expect you to look after them and do the housework at the same time?

Why doesn't he spend an hour with them when he comes home - give them a bath, stories in their room, while you get to grips with downstairs and start the dinner?

MatildaTheCat Mon 15-Aug-16 17:44:13

He's a complete twat to expect you to do something he very clearly can't do himself. Taking them out to socialise and burn off energy is exactly what any childcare expert would advise and also, for your own mental health, what any hcp would suggest.

Tell him to grow up, get a grip and when is is taking them for his first overnight? Next weekend is his as well, I believe. Don't let him get away with this. If he needs medical help then get it but blaming you is just shitty behaviour, not illness.

Missgraeme Mon 15-Aug-16 17:51:09

Hire a cleaner. Tell him he is paying. Order take away. He is paying. Your kids need a life outside the house. U are entitled to some free time too. He needs to man up and take responsibility for the kids he has made. I hope his mother is kicking him into touch and sending a man back to u not a mouse.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now