Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex is mean about money for our DD but not for his new family

(29 Posts)
BaffledandConfused Wed 10-Aug-16 23:02:53

I'm finding it so hard to wrap my head around this.

My ex and I separated just under a year and a half ago. I had to apply for Child Maintenance as he was not helpful in maintaining our daughter and he left me in debt. He started a new relationship within a couple of weeks of our separation, conceived a child roughly 12 to 16 weeks into this new relationship, and they are now married about 14 months after getting together and have had the baby. To me this shows emotional instability by itself because literally a few days before beginning this new relationship he had begged me to come home. He changed his mind after I told his dad about what had gone on in our relationship and told me i had betrayed him and it should have stayed between us only. Obviously he was very clearly in the wrong and his dad had wanted to get him counseling. So in space of one day he came to my home to see if we could sort things out and after I spoke to his dad he immediately changed his mind and that was it. After that a load of different types of abusive behaviours began, but what really baffles me is his meanness about money. Luckily I get CM, but as he now has two kids in his home to take care of, his new baby and the new wife's own child, my CM has gone down. Because of the debt I was in I struggled last year too. I have asked him a handful of times for small amounts to help with DD's care like £20 toward summer activities at our local leisure centre or a contribution of no set amount toward new clothes and/or shoes. He refuses. Honestly I have asked him just 3 times in total in the last 15 months since we split and only for these very small amounts each time. Today I bought all of DD's school uniform but as my CM has gone down I don't have very much toward her non school clothing. I asked him for a contribution of no set amount toward her casual clothing and he said he could not afford to contribute anymore than he already does via Child Maintenance. I would understand except he just paid for his and his new wife's wedding. So he paid for a wedding but cant spare a couple of tenners for a pair of shoes for our daughter? It really saddens me for our daughter because I feel like he wants to spite me so badly that he gives no thought to how his actions impact her.

Luckily we aren't in a country without assistance and I will of course make sure I get the money together for her clothing. My family have already jumped to my aid. I just don't understand how he can justify this in his mind. It makes me so sad for our DD and it makes me feel like he doesn't love her enough to want the best that we can both provide for her, even if separately.

To me he is clearly emotionally unstable but I cannot imagine how he can justify this behaviour that directly affects his own DD. His gripe isn't with her, its with me. And he is currently taking care of all the financial needs of two other children but is begrudging when it comes to our DD.

My focus is now to work toward a point where my DD and I do not need his financial support, it just hurts me for my DD.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble Wed 10-Aug-16 23:09:31

Its not about money its about control , a way he can get one over on you in his eyes

SandyY2K Wed 10-Aug-16 23:11:02

I wouldn't have thought that he has a financial /parental obligation to pay for his stepchild, as that child should get CS from his /her father.

Are you sure you're getting the maximum you should be?

CalleighDoodle Wed 10-Aug-16 23:17:24

sandy that is correct. Other children in the household impact in cm.

kittybiscuits Wed 10-Aug-16 23:21:01

Yes. Paying for other people's children allows mean vindictive misogynistic men to reduce CM for their actual children.

SandyY2K Thu 11-Aug-16 00:03:20

I see.
So theoretically, the stepchild gets money from biological dad, step dad and mum.

Your plan of managing without him in the future is great. My friend got divorced and her Ex paid dribs and drabs when he felt like it. Deliberate unemployment, moving house/country and ducking and diving.

She put all the money he gave in a bank account and when her DS turned 18 she gave it to him. It was less than a thousand pounds for about 13 years. She told him, this is what your dad has given for maintenance since we split.

She wanted him to know exactly what his dad was like.

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 00:09:24

Yup, CM goes down because of other children even though it is a two income household and the other child isn't his. Of course I don't begrudge him paying for his stepchild, it is only right if they are now a family that he do so.

Mymouth I know this and everyone tells me this but what I can't wrap my head around is why he would put his own child at a disadvantage to get back at me or spite or control me. Especially considering he now has a whole new family. Surely his mind and energy should be occupied with them and not petty ways of getting one over on me. According to him he is happy we split as he was never happy with me and time apart showed him how miserable our relationship actually was. Apparently his new wife and family are the bees knees. But his behaviour comes across as bitter, spiteful and angry. Could he genuinely be happy over there but still have the desire the abuse me at the same time?

Even with everything he has done over the last year it still shocks me that he acts like this now. He's a teacher and he got into teaching so he could help disadvantaged kids through education. He was such an amazing and positive person once upon a time.

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 00:14:58

Thanks Sandy. I won't allow his behaviour to ruin the dreams and aspirations we once both held for our DD and that I still want for her. Fuck what he does to me, I'm long over the relationship and wanting to be with him so it doesn't matter. The only thing that gets to me anymore is the way he uses our daughter to spite me even when it is to her detriment.

I'm also keeping a record of everything to show her one day if I feel it is right to do so at the time. I want her to know exactly what he is like if I feel she needs to. I'm still holding onto hope that he will one day turn things around for the sake of their relationship and I will never have to breathe a word about this part of our lives to her. I hate the idea of her knowing her dad is a selfish fuckwit.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 11-Aug-16 00:21:10

He's a teacher?

Make sure you inconvenience him by getting it reassessed every year with the (very small) cost of living increase. And keep checking his school website to see if he gets promoted.

At least if he stays in teaching you'll always get your 15 percent?

In fact if he's an awful twat don't bother asking him for extra money on top of CMS, just keep mentioning reassessment.

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 00:38:09

Yup, he's a teacher. His wages actually went down in September when he moved to a new school. Was surprised by this as I thought teachers usually got the same or more when moving to a new school.

I assumed they reassessed it automatically each year so if they don't then he must have asked them to do it. I'll definitely be keeping on top of that then.

How he can take happy wedding pics while he takes money away from his own child baffles my brain.

KickAssAngel Thu 11-Aug-16 00:45:46

His wages will only have gone down if he has taken a demotion. Might he have done that? If he's going from one position to another at the same pay level it won't have changed. Could he have cut his hours? At a certain point pay stops going up, once a teacher is at the top of the pay scale, but it will stay the same, not go down.

Unless he's gone to an Academy, in which case they can do whatever they want.

MiaowJario Thu 11-Aug-16 00:53:09

My dad was much thaw same. Many absent fathers are. I don't personally understand how they can live with themselves, but evidently they can. A combination of selfishness and only able to see what is directly in front of them is my best guess. Sorry you and your DD are on the receiving end of his cuntishness.

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 01:07:46

Angel He's definitely not at the top of his pay scale and his wages still indicate that he is working full time but just for less. I think he took a cut in order to leave his previous place of employment. They investigated him for possible misconduct a year before we split hmm

Jario the irony is that he's currently dragging me through court over visitation. I had to stop his visitation after I witnessed him verbally blow up at our DD and approach her in a physically domineering way. He was angry at me and took it out on her on my doorstep, it was awful. He kept screaming "dont try me!" at her and was grabbing her by her scruff and pulling her face into his as he screamed at her while shaking her about a bit. I spoke to his family about it and they said they would sort something out. I didn't hear anything for months and then he took me to court. The only thing he did was ask how she was over Christmas (he didn't send a gift) by text. Our families had agreed that he wouldn't contact me directly and would go through my mum. Because of this I ignored his message and he used it to paint me as a bitter ex withholding his child. I'm back in court soon.

HelenaDove Thu 11-Aug-16 01:12:27

Jesus Baffled he is an abuser ..............shouting at you and shaking his daughter.

Have you thought about ringing Womens Aid. He is using the courts to continue his abuse.

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 01:22:31

I know Dove.

It wasn't like this until we split. He was emotionally abusive but nowhere near like this. He would do things without even realising it when we were together because he comes from an emotionally abusive family. When we hit hard times is when it started. His family are the most toxic family I have ever come across.

When we split it became this insidious, incredibly malicious and devious abuse from all angles. I always thought it was aimed solely at me until he lost his temper at her like that in front of me. I wish I had gone to the police. I feel like a fucking idiot that I didn't, I just didn't think they would take it seriously. One of my family members was witness and is writing a statement for me to take to court.

I don't understand why he is so hell bent on doing this to me to the point that he would use the judicial system to do this. Fuck sake, he is married with three kids, he must hate me so much to have the energy to do all of this and I don't understand why.

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 01:24:10

We had court ordered mediation the other day and when he speaks you would think I was the biggest liar on the planet. I can't tell if he has genuinely convinced himself that certain things have never happened or not. It shocks me, it really does.

MiaowJario Thu 11-Aug-16 01:33:36

With his background it sounds like this is "normal" to him- abuse and punish if he doesn't get what he wants. Doesn't make it right but it does explain where it comes from.

It is his responsibility to get help with how he is now he is an adult rather than just perpetuate it by treating your child like that, even though it isn't his "fault" he was probably treated like that when he was a child.

If I were you, I would to try to emotionally detach from his behaviour. Protecting your DD is your only concern. Don't try to work him out or work it out, don't give him sympathy or a reaction, don't get shocked if you can help it- just realise that he will do things you would never even think of doing and make sure appropriate safeguards are in place at all times. That could mean supervised access for example.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Easiest way is put your guard right up, keep your guard up and make sure you are scrupulously correct and have proof of everything/witnesses present at every interaction from here on in.

Imnotwhoyouthinkiam Thu 11-Aug-16 01:37:11

Sounds so much like my ex. Was begging me for another chance all summer. Met his now wife in October. She was pregnant bthe November. Engaged by Christmas.
He took it 1 step further and actually quit his job as apparently she couldn't cope with her 2 children on her own - especially with another baby on the way.
They've since had a second child together meaning they have 6 between them. I get the grand total of £5 per week for our 2. And I only get this because they take it direct from his jsa. Of course he moans about this because he "shouldn't have to fund my lifestyle"

HelenaDove Thu 11-Aug-16 01:53:25

Baffled there is a thread about child maintenance on the Site Stuff board.

It might help you to read it.......or to contribute to it if you want to thanks

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 01:56:33

iam that is awful and I really sympathise. My mum was saying just today that at least I'm getting what I am getting and I agreed with her sentiment fully. I wonder why they move on and procreate so quickly?

Jario you are absolutely right. I almost had a breakdown when I was pregnant with my DD because of the abuse I experienced from his family. I've been learning to detach myself and I'm finally getting there. He doesn't realise it but the more he does this the easier it gets for me to feel less and less emotional impact when he tries to hurt me. He is clearly under the illusion that I still love or care for him. Either that or he really wants to believe I do. Mediation was a great exercise in confirming how far I've come. I'm finally understanding how to deal with this. It just kills me that he hurts our DD in the process. Thanks for your words, good advice.

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 01:57:56

Thank you Dove!

I'll look into it tomorrow smile

Cary2012 Thu 11-Aug-16 06:55:31

OP, I feel for you. My ex does more for his new partners sons than he does for his own, has done from the start. If you're like me you feel like your child has been demoted to second best and it's heartbreaking. My ex isn't short of a few quid, but resents any financial help for his son. We no longer ask him for a penny, we manage. I agree with PP who said it's about control, my ex loves hurting me in any way he can, although he was the one who cheated . His sense of reality is extremely warped. I couldn't sleep at nights if I treated people the way he has. Try your best to manage because like my ex he probably gets a kick out of being asked for money, so don't.

I work in education. Teachers are on a protected pay scale. However if his previous job included TLR payment, and this one doesn't that would cause a drop in pay. And if he's gone to an Academy, then the pay scales can be ignored.

Cosmo111 Thu 11-Aug-16 07:16:47

How much do you get maintanence op? I must admit it seems very begrudged off some men and even their partners, I've just been told by ex his wage has gone down as he was demoted so maintenance will go down, thing is I know he could afford it he just looks to shave it off. I found out last year he returned to job where he earned more after being made redundant from it but failed to inform CSA. An assessment was done and I received another extra 100. I was more annoyed given the fact I should know where he works should I need to contact him in case of an emergency as he isn't able to carry his phone on him. It's baffling what great lengths they go to.

Cary2012 Thu 11-Aug-16 07:56:56

They're great aren't they Cosmo? My ex changed his phone, and didn't give his kids or me his new number for three months!? He lives on Planet Twunt though, where school emergency contact numbers don't matter...

BaffledandConfused Thu 11-Aug-16 13:17:51

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I'm really unsure of how to feel today. I'm just going to approach this in a matter of fact way from now on. He doesn't care about our DD and that is evident. She is second best to his new kids and his new life and that is evident. I'm definitely never going to ask him for any extra toward our daughter again.

When I look at pictures of him with our daughter from over the years before we split, I just can't believe he would do this to her. He was the first person to hold her in the hospital, he was so excited when she came home that he took her for a walk so that he could show her off. Whatever our issues, it appeared that he genuinely loved her. Now to treat her like this is so counter to the loving father he appeared to be.

My mum tells me he'll probably do worse to his new wife and kids one day as his emotional and mental state have not been dealt with. If that happens then it will be three kids caught up in the same cycle. His dad walked out when he was a toddler and never did a thing to financially help out. His own dad was a misogynistic sub standard parent at best.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now