Is our relationship worth working on or is it time to say goodbye?...

[MamaW96]

My partner, Henry and I are young parents to our 1 year old daughter, Ivy - we've been together 4 years with an 11 month break in between but I am now in a place where I am not sure whether or not our relationship should continue... Henry is a fisherman and spends all of his time fishing, when he isn't he's at the pub with his friends or relaxing on the sofa which is the only time we get to spend together. We never go out and spend quality time together and I feel as though we have lost a lot of emotional intimacy in the last year or so. He is a very closed person and so we don't talk much (actually, at all) about how we feel. Whenever I try to get advice from him or tell him about something I am feeling I just get one word answers. He is also very messy and needy - I often feel as though I am just his carer - the person who cleans up after him and makes sure his life runs smoothly so that he doesn't have to do any of the work that everyone else does to keep their life running smoothly. He doesn't help with anything at all. I always thought a relationship meant working together as a team but I feel like I am the only one putting work in and he is the only one really benefiting. I don't feel loved or satisfied (and I feel so guilty to say that but I've been kidding myself for far too long...this was the reason that we parted ways when we split for almost a year). He isn't particularly interested in being a father and that is the thing that I find most difficult to deal with. He barely spends any time with ivy (because he's barely ever home) but when he is, he's more interested in watching tv and relaxing... I've tried talking to him about things that I'm unhappy with but he never changes a thing. I know being in a relationship is all about compromise and accepting each other for who they are and not trying to change them but I feel that making little changes is not too much to ask. He gets irritated when I'm upset and refuses to talk to me when I am annoyed so I try and suppress it and just deal with it on my own and get on with things... He tells me that I'm 'fussy' and 'obsessed with cleaning' (I'm not - he is just very messy and only baths once a fortnight, if that - I promise that isn't an exaggeration - and gets irate if I suggest that he should wash.) he makes me feel bad about myself but is comforting at times. When it comes to sex, he likes to be 'kinky' and isn't one for making love. I don't usually mind but sometimes I'm just too tired from looking after ivy all day or just want to feel loved and be intimate with him but (in his own words) he just wants to 'f*ck'. I don't think that he respects me or sees me as an actual person in all honesty and I thought I could cope with that but it's becoming increasingly difficult. I just need to know if what I'm feeling is normal. Am I being overly sensitive? Am I greedy to think that I deserve better? Is it too late to leave now that we have a child together? A few months ago he took me to buy an engagement ring but has told me that I need to 'earn' it, and if I'm 'wife material' he will ask me to marry him but honestly I'm not too sure that that's what I want...his family give us a LOT of support (they bought the house that we live in) and we owe a lot to them - am I being ungrateful if I leave now? I am raising Ivy practically alone with no help from him, only his family - he wouldn't even watch her when I had a job interview and if I ever go out with friends I have to ask his mother to watch her. Any response will help so much - advice, a definitive answer, or even just telling me to man up and get on with it would be a help. I just feel so buried under all of these feelings and questions and desperately need an outside perspective. Thank you x

[sklooshy]

I think you're justified in the way you are feeling? '

[sklooshy]

Posted too soon, sorry...

Earn your engagement ring.... No you do not need to do that! Sorry op but trust your gut feeling, if your unhappy now do you think it will change? Going by your post he's not giving you much hope of getting your relationship back on an even keel.

[LewisAndClark]

He sounds awful. I promise you, life doesn't have to be like this.

He's lazy, stinky, messy, a crap father and shit in bed.

And as for the bollocks about earning an engagement ring, just what the fuck? He's hardly some prize you need to win. I bet he knows he's punching well above his weight with you and that's why he puts you down.

Move on. You'll be much happier.

[category12]

Again, something is seriously wrong with your perspective.

Ditch this utter prick. He's nasty. You can do better on your own.

[SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals]

Sounds horrendous, you sound lovely, personally I would tell him to stick hid ring up his arse and would earn the independence you clearly deserve instead. You don't need this joker, you will be okay, better even. My first LTB.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Yes you are his carer. You are a household appliance like a washing machine. That's why he won't talk about feelings or do anything to make your life easier. You don't do that with the washing machine.

[3weeksthankgod]

I was literally making a repulsed face reading that. He sounds absolutely vile and I don't know how you can share a bed with him. Honestly you are way too good for him.

[gobbynorthernbird]

You need to sack him off. What a waste of space.

[ReallyShouldKnowBetterAtMyAge]

He doesn't wash for weeks and he is a fisherman then still expects a fuck????

You sound very worn down with it all, do you have family or a friend you can talk to in RL?

[justpeachy74]

Like a PP I too was making a face whilst reading your post.
You do sound lovely. You can do better than being treated the way you describe. It sounds altogether very unsatisfactory.
I think your gut instinct is right. I'm sure his family would still want to be involved in your DD's life even if he doesn't.

[Cary2012]

What a catch (see what I did there!) Tell him to sling his hook (and there!) Seriously OP, he sounds awful, you are not a commodity, you deserve so much better. Don't demean yourself by 'earning' a ring, he's taking the pee. You can do so much better.

[Lily405]

Leave, you're totally justified. And the gall required to say you have to earn him when it sounds like it should be the other way around.

[Missgraeme]

Haven't read the post thoroughly just skimmed the' baths every 2 weeks'!! Dump him for that alone ffs!! How the feck do u have sex with him???

[timelytess]

Do leave.

[3weeksthankgod]

He is obviously so arrogant that he would have a big shock if you tried to leave him and I predict he would get nasty. I would have a clear plan for leaving and don't let him know what you are doing or when to ensure you are safe and also to ensure you don't go back after his threats/pleading/
trying to be nice. Do you have someone who can support you or somewhere to go?

[Resilience16]

Oh Mama, please reread what you have written. I know when you are stuck inside a toxic relationship like this it is hard to gauge what is normal anymore but this relationship has red flags all over it.
You say you split for 11 months, did the pair of you do any work to resolve the reasons why you split or was it more a case of put up and shut up?
If your partner doesn't acknowledge his behaviour is a problem then nothing is ever going to change and is more likely to get worse, as your self esteem gets ground away into dust (which in turn will make it even harder to leave).
You and your daughter deserve better. Please believe you can do better than this, and start getting your plan together to exit this horrible , one-sided relationship.
Hugs. You can do it.

[Atenco]

I hope you haven't put any real names here. If you have, you should ask mumsnet to let you edit the names. I think you do that by reporting your post.

[LellyMcKelly]

Eww, get out, get out, get out. I wouldn't want to meet him on the street, never mind marry him. Yuk. He's lucky you've let him live with you for this long.

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

Yuk yuk yuk, he is appalling, I can't believe you went back to him after your last split, did he promise to put more effort in then? Please get away before you have any more children with him. You and the little one will be fine without him and will have a much nicer future.

[IDismyname]

Im appalled at what you've written. You need to leave. And soon.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I feel like I am the only one putting work in and he is the only one really benefiting. I don't feel loved or satisfied

From this point on, I thought yours be unreasonable not to LTB. But it kept getting worse and worse.

He neglects his child.

He stinks.

He treats you like a sex doll.

The "earning" your engagement ring and "wife material" bit! I vommed in my mouth a little.

How did we, as 51% of the population, get to the point where expecting common human decency in a relationship is unreasonable?!?

Well, you're asking us. I think you're crazy if you give this abusive loser another iota of your time and love.

[mogratpineapple]

You have serious self-esteem issues, in other words, you do not value yourself. You are worth more than this. Take the advice offered above and move on. Good luck xx

[arsenaltilidie]

Stopped reading at "He baths once a fortnight"
How can you even consider staying with such a person.

[something2say]

I read this amazing book recently, the marriage book, and it taught me a lot about holding it together.

But the main theme running thro the book is that BOTH people have to do things, and from what you write, he is doing nothing.

Your feelings are therefore quite natural under the circumstances I'd say.

My advice would be to sit him down and talk straight to him, that he is putting in nothing and a lot needs to change.

I do think he may baulk at these changes because they will involve his effort and he may not want to be arsed. As you say, he may wish to be a baby having all of his needs met including to be fucked once a week.

So if he doesn't change, or if you have already done this till you are blue in the face, talked to him I mean, then yes it's alright to leave and if you're anything like me, you will be actually dancing out the door with the joy of the freedom that is now yours xxx