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Help me please !!! DH, baby & PILs(21 Posts)
Hi everyone, DH and I have been together for 4.5 yrs and married for 2. we have a 5.5 month old ds together which we are very happy about. Before having ds our relationship was great, we hardly ever had a fight. We come from different cultural backgrounds and the way we raised is very different. All this never caused any problems before we happily accepted our differences and were happy to learn from each other. However, since ds was born we tend to bicker a lot and its always related to the way i am doing things ds. He is in general very overprotective and very anxious regarding our ds eg on a warm day when we go out he wants to put socks on our ds, when we are out all other babies we see have no socks and are dressed for summer. When ds cries (for maybe 10 mins) he wants me to go to see a doctor. Since ds was born we have not socialised at all, we have not been to a resturant or anything, hardly seen anyone together. When ds was 5 weeks we went to register his birth and dh dint want to take a bus because he might infections from other. dh refuses to go to a resturant because it would too loud for our ds. dh is not very happy for me to visit my family who lives abroad (8 hr) flight because its a long journey for ds. there are many more examples like this. The reason i mentioned my PILs is because i recently learned that when my dh was a baby his parents did not socialise with anyone at all, they never had friends over, never went out, never had a social life. My MIL was and still is very hyperclean, hypervigilant and a very anxious person i can see all these traits in my dh. There is another thread regarding my PILs interference in our lives. I somehow feel my life is morphing into my PILs life completely and i am very unhappy with this lifestyle. I feel so sad because of my dh's behaviour i just feel i have no life left at all, i feel completely drained. every little thing turns into a big heated discussion, i just want to run away from all this. Please help me to get over this. If things dont change i will have to leave sooner or later, but i dont want to.
Can you sit down and have a proper discussion with your DH about how over protective he is and how he is mirroring his DM behaviour?
Would he agree to counselling to understand why he is so over anxious all the time with regards to DS?
It's not healthy for your or your DS or your relationship.
He needs to get some counselling and fast.
Otherwise you may just have to leave.
You can't have your DS brought up in this over protective bubble.
He is very much a product of his own upbringing at the hands of his overprotective mother in particular. Its very much learnt and damaging behaviour from him.
This is not something that you can get over easily if at all.
I presume he does not think he has any problems with anxiety or obsessive compulsive behaviours relating to his son. If he will not make changes to his own behaviours (and there is no indication that he will do this) then you will seriously have to consider leaving him and sooner rather than later. You cannot live like this and it is not fair on your son either. You're both being held back because of this overriding need of your H's to control all aspects of your lives, you're basically in a cage of his own making.
Are you in the UK?.
hellsbellsmelons we have discussion almost every evening, he tends to agree with me during the discussion but then reverts back to his old ways the next day. i just think its so deeply ingrained in him its hard to change. i would be open to counselling, how do we go about it?? do we have to go private ??
AttilaTheMeerkat every thing you say is so true, he does not recognise his behaviour as anxious and overprotective, on the contrary he tends to judge other people who are doing any of these activities with their babies as not good enough parents. yes we are in the UK.
You are right in one respect; this is indeed deeply ingrained. He may well need years of therapy and would also have to commit to it fully.
I therefore have doubts as to whether he would actually attend or even visit his GP to discuss his anxiety issues. He is really paying lip service to his problems with anxiety and being over protective, its not surprising that a day after you've talked to him he reverts to type.
If he can agree that he has anxious and obsessive compulsive traits then he could go to the GP and be referred for counselling.
But you many need to go privately.
It's him who needs it.
It might be good to along to his first session to outline what you understand to be wrong.
AttilaTheMeerkat it just makes me feel sooo sad, what can i do now?
Talk to your GP and start opening up to trusted others (certainly not his parents) about life at home. Are your parents at all supportive, do you see a health visitor?.
It is unfair to your son and you to have to live like this and your lives seem very miserable indeed. It will stay that way as well if he cannot and will not see that his actions are causing you and in turn your son great anguish.
Does he want his son to go to nursery or school; he cannot keep him at home for the rest of his days.
Unless your DH wants to address his problems concerning his anxiety there is not much you can yourself do. You have stated that he does not recognise his behaviour as anxious and overprotective. You can only help your own self and son by not living like this under his regimen any longer.
hellsbellsmelons he has never accepted that his behaviour is overprotective /obsessive
AttilaTheMeerkat i definitely want to go back to work when ds is around 1 year so the plan is to send ds to a nursey/chilminer, which obviously is not good enough for dh, he wanted MIL to come and stay with us. I cant open up to my family, since they were against our relation in the beginning because of the cultural differences and they have started liking him now. they will just say "we told you".
Well then it's ultimatum time I think.
He either gets help or you have to leave.
His response to this will tell you all you need to know then you make plans from there.
Surely you can book a table and meet friends there yourself?
Does he work?
Why don't you phone him half an hour before lunch and say your in town with the baby would he like to meet for lunch?
hellsbellsmelons i guess thats the only way out.
zzzzz i meet my friends or see people during the week, i am very happy with ds during the day. dh works and when he gets back in the evening, its a constant struggle. ds is too cold/warm or something else, nothing is good enough for him.
zzzzz it feels like we have parallel lives we live in different worlds, when i am with ds life seems normal and happy. when dh is around it feels like overprotective, sad bubble
You say he agrees with you when you discuss but reverts the next day. What do you do when he reverts? What is your immediate reaction when he makes a comment?
Your DH wanted his mother to come and live with you all? Good grief no.
What is going to happen in a few months time if he will not countenance the use of a childminder or nursery?. You do not want his mother living with you for very good reason.
I would seriously consider now seeking legal advice with a view to leaving him. You do not have to act on this at all straight away but it would be wise for you to know your legal position here. Forewarned being forearmed.
Whatever you do, don't use MIL for childcare after you return to work. You'll have two over-protective fussers to argue with then about everything to do with your baby instead of one. They will grind you down and your baby will be miserable.
RunRabbitRunRabbit what i am trying to say is while we are having a discussion lets say regarding going to a restaurant in the beginning he will be against it and then when i explain it to him that its good for my mental health and social life he will agree to it, but then the next time there is a similar situation he will be completely against it until i explain again that it might be good for us as a couple. so far we have just had discussions and not been to a restaurant together in almost 6 months lols.
AttilaTheMeerkat, BlueLeopard there is no way i will use MIL as child care for ds at all, she is sooo anxious in normal day to day life i cant imagine ds growing up in that environment. dh was very angry/sad to begin with but now agrees to have his mum for childcare.
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