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DPs family aren't attending our wedding

(36 Posts)
MidnightAura Wed 10-Aug-16 12:12:49

We are getting married in two weeks. DPs family fell out with us a few months ago because they wanted to add people we didn't know to our wedding, they went as far as booking these people hotel rooms and only casually dropped it in to conversation they had did this. We are having a small wedding (numbers are under 25) and they were adamant they wanted the "big family day" Their words. DPs brother although he admitted it had nothing to do with him has also not spoke to us in that time and pulled out of being best man.

Just to be clear, they are not paying for any part of the wedding. Before the wedding plans started we had a okay relationship. We got on better with them before DP and I moved in together, once that happened we went weeks without any contact, we asked them to come over they said no. I think we have seen them three times in one year which bothers DP. I mean we did try.

So when they wanted to invite the best man from their wedding and his family and my FIL cousin and his family we were a bit taken aback. We have never met them and naturally we didn't appreciate them telling us X and y were coming and booking them into a hotel without asking us. I mean they had seen the guest list prior to that, I thought had they wanted to invite anyone, they could have mentioned it then, as opposed to going behind our backs. DPs parents haven't seen their best man in twenty years and they haven't seen their cousin in eight years.

We haven't spoke to them since we told them we are having a small wedding, we can't afford the extras and more to the point we don't want them there, we are having a small wedding for a reason. The in laws were crying and his parents said they wouldn't be coming. DPs brother got involved and said we were being unreasonable.

We tried to fix it once the dust settled, they ignored our calls. They stay a bus and a train journey away.

The invites went outs and they all declined. DP hasn't spoke to them since. He is very hurt. Today is his birthday, they have sent a card. He sent them a text saying thanks, he doesn't want to talk to them.

I have thought about calling them or writing to them because I do want them at the wedding for DP. But DP doesn't want me to do that. I don't want our married life to start this way but we have tried to bury the hatchet. But my worry is there is no way back from this.

I just don't understand why they would ignore their sons wedding.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 10-Aug-16 12:19:57

I remember your previous thread about this (either that or someone else has had exactly the same issue).

They are your DH's family. If he says he doesn't want you to contact them, then don't. There may well be no way back, but they are his family and it's for him to make the call if he wishes and for you to support him in his stance, even if you disagree with it. They clearly have issues. You don't need to understand what those issues are, just accept your DH's view that as far as he is concerned he and you and now "his family" (possibly along with your relatives).

Shoxfordian Wed 10-Aug-16 12:20:41

It's a shame for your DP but his parents/brother sound completely unreasonable so it's really their decision.

Don't think you should contact them; they know they can contact him if they want to

Just because they're related; doesn't mean you have to see them; surround yourselves with people you love and have a good day anyway

TheNaze73 Wed 10-Aug-16 12:25:38

I'd respect his wishes on this. Hope you have a fab day & good luck. They sound hard work, don't let them ruin it

MidnightAura Wed 10-Aug-16 12:26:54

I did post when it happened, not here but in Aibu.

I do agree with DP, I just worry he will regret it on the day that they aren't there.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 10-Aug-16 12:31:17

If he does, it's HIS regret to have. Seriously, it would not be a good start to married life to go against his wishes on this.

MidnightAura Wed 10-Aug-16 12:33:38

I won't be contacting them, I'm not going to speak to them separately. I just feel quite saddened by it.

rainbowstardrops Wed 10-Aug-16 12:35:26

I remember your previous thread too and thought then what a tricky situation you're in.

If you were having quite a large wedding then a few more guests probably wouldn't have made much difference but you're having a very small wedding so it would.

I can't believe your partner's family are prepared to miss their son's wedding just because a few people who they haven't seen for years aren't invited! They clearly haven't made much effort to stay in touch! Also your BIL is now not the best man? Are you sure there aren't other factors going on here?

MidnightAura Wed 10-Aug-16 12:40:30

I agree Rainbow but our numbers are under 25, we want immediate family and close friends only, DP is a little shy and I suffer from anxiety so that's partly why.

BIL isn't best man any more, he took his parents side when this happened even though he admits it's nothing to do with him. He hasn't spoken to him since other than to rsvp "no" I don't think there's any other issues there as him and DP haven't spoken. He didn't bother to get him a card either for his birthday

SeaCabbage Wed 10-Aug-16 12:49:33

they are obviously much more toxic than you thought. Best they aren't coming. And low contact for the future?

rainbowstardrops Wed 10-Aug-16 13:03:30

I completely understand Midnight, I was trying to say that I understand why you and your DP said no to the extra guests because you only wanted a small wedding. It's your wedding and your choice!

If they're prepared to miss their son's wedding then they're really not worth worrying about.

Hope you have a lovely day regardless flowers

Squaddielife Wed 10-Aug-16 13:08:03

I also remember your original thread Midnight.

They are out of order and your DH is well within his rights to not want to speak to them or to approach them to discuss BUT I completely understand your fear that he'll regret it.

My mum (and step dad) did not attend my wedding. They never even sent a decline. When I asked her to her face "you are coming right haha" she said "no". Several attempts were made between them and the wedding to have them come but nothing worked. I won't go into the reasons as I'm not even sure I understand to this day why they were so against coming.

We had a huge conversation about it, 6 weeks before the wedding, most of it with me in tears. I said absolutely everything that I needed to. Made it very clear that should they not come then it would leave our (at best distant) relationship in tatters.

They didn't come. That was 2 years ago. We haven't spoken since.

It's still very hard to this day to accept that she didn't come. I think about it all the time ... but with no guilt. I tried absolutely everything to get them there to no avail.

Have you had a recent chat with DH about his feelings/fears? If he's totally sure that he's done all he wants to do and that it's very possible the relationship(s) may well be tarnished from here on in then it's his choice.

All that aside, I hope you have the most amazing wedding day xx

bluebeck Wed 10-Aug-16 13:08:24

Please don't put any pressure at all on your DP to contact his parents. If they are this toxic, going NC with them could be the best thing that has ever happened to him/you. And definitely don't contact them behind his back.

I suspect this will all blow over eventually and at some point in the future you will be wishing it hadn't.

Have a lovely wedding - I am sure it will be far less stressful without them there.

LineyReborn Wed 10-Aug-16 13:09:41

They actually expected you to pay for 'their' extra guests at your wedding?

CodyKing Wed 10-Aug-16 13:16:24

Are these the in laws that wanted to buy you a taxi ride for their extras as a wedding gift?

OP these people are mad as a box of frogs - rather sulk and miss the day rather than come as invited. It's their choice to behave like a 3 year old not getting their own way!!

I bet they want you to cancel because they aren't coming - don't do that!

Go ahead as planned and enjoy your day.

Whilst DP parents aren't interested he may have some hope of DB attending? Can he ring his brother? Invite him out for a drink? Worth asking DP to do that at least

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Aug-16 14:11:37

I do agree with DP, I just worry he will regret it on the day that they aren't there.

My guess is that ultimately he won't regret not having his parents there.

You probably come from an emotionally healthy family where this type of familial dysfunction is unknown; your DH to be has not been so lucky. Their actions stem from wanting to have complete power and control. Present a united front, do not put any pressure on him to contact his parents at all.

MyBreadIsEggy Wed 10-Aug-16 14:28:04

They sound like very strange people to me confused
They are not paying for any of the wedding and yet still think they can have a say in who (you would have to pay for) attends. I could get my head around them asking you both "Could we invite so-and-so if you're both ok with it?" but to just go ahead and invite them without asking you or your DP is so beyond rude!!
My DH family is a very different set-up to mine. When we got married, all of my family (immediate family, plus aunts, uncles, cousins etc) all attended the church ceremony and the reception, stayed for the whole day and had a great time....DH's family however was a whole other story, and it took me a long time to get my head around it! His grandma, dad, step-mum, aunt, uncle and 3 cousins attended the ceremony, ate at the reception and then all left before the speeches hmm They behaved (IMO) appallingly the whole time they were there anyway. Grandma found something to complain loudly about approximately every 3 minutes, Aunt made it very clear to the staff at our reception venue that their facilities were not up to her snobbishstandards and Uncle spent the entire church service and reception trying to control their completely feral children. None of them made any effort to engage with any of my family members who tried to include them in everything hmm DH's mum, step-dad and two half brothers didn't come at all. With no explanation as to why they weren't coming. I still cannot understand why they did not attend their eldest son's wedding or why the other side of his family behaved the way they did. But to be perfectly honest, I'm the one who has always been more upset by the whole thing than my DH! He says that he didn't really expect anything else behaviour-wise from his family that did attend, and he was quite relieved when they left....as he demonstrated by downing a triple Jack Daniels immediately following their departure confused
Now your DP's family have shown their true colours, do you think he will be more stressed by having them there (like my DP was)?

MidnightAura Wed 10-Aug-16 15:23:54

Thanks everyone for the responses.

They did expect us to pay for the extras and while we cant afford it, it was very much the principle of the thing. Had they said "Can so and so come?" when they were given the guest list that would have been acceptable, but they added these people on and booked them into a hotel. I don't know how in the world they thought we would go along with that?!

Squaddie I'm so sorry for you, I fear that will be my DP in the future.
Cody Yup their wedding gift to us was a mini bus for the guests on their side to attend.

I'm not putting any pressure on him to speak to his parents, we have talked about it of course and he was in tears when they rsvp'd no. We have talked about beyond the wedding and we know we wont forgive them if they don't come but DP's attitude is the ship has already sailed, they said they aren't coming and that's that. He's already not forgiving them. But he is hurt as am I a little as I thought we had a good relationship.
He sent them a text to say thanks for the card, he doesn't want to talk to them beyond that and I respect that.

My family is not perfect by any stretch. I've been NC with my birth Father for years. He won't be attending the wedding but that relationship has been like that for like I say years. Up until a year ago when DP and I bought our house I would say he had a good relationship with his parents.
I thought I had a good relationship with them. We got on okay, I would go shopping with his Mum, but when we bought our house they became distant. When we asked for help with the house with like DIY, we got told No, ditto when we asked them over socially.

I don't doubt they probably are blaming me for this situation with the wedding. Even though it was my DP that said no and had the discussion with his parents. I suspect they maybe rsvp'd no in the hope it would force our hand and part of me expects them to turn up on the day of the wedding but DP doesn't think they will.

Squaddielife Wed 10-Aug-16 15:37:36

Oh and my Mum had the cheek to send a card and cheque as a wedding gift ...needless to say it was never cashed

We can choose our friends but not our family hey, never a truer statement.

Enjoy your day surrounded by those who love you the most and more importantly, you invited smile

SandyY2K Wed 10-Aug-16 16:27:12

This is terrible of them. How can they say they love their son and behave this way.

Mouse510 Wed 10-Aug-16 16:45:36

We had some close family on my DH's side who did not come to our wedding for their own reasons. My DH, MIL, FIL and SIL and others were quite upset by it. I told my DH to focus on the fact that we would be surrounded by people who love us and who wanted to make the effort to be with us, rather than let the absence of a few spoil the day.

If you do manage to build any bridges would it be worth suggesting a 'post-wedding party' with extended family & family friends, to celebrate with them?

rainbowstardrops Wed 10-Aug-16 16:57:10

I would enjoy your wedding without them.

If they kick off afterwards, I'd struggle to not throw back that inviting people that they haven't seen for years was more important than seeing their son get married. I'm a bitch though wink

MidnightAura Wed 10-Aug-16 17:36:12

It's a nice idea Mouse but we wouldn't be doing it, our wedding is this month this year, they have chosen to not to attend and regardless of what happens in the future we won't be celebrating with them at a later date.

It's not like they can't attend for ill health or any other reason. They are choosing not too,

rainbow I will be so tempted to say that to them! wink

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 10-Aug-16 18:31:33

Stand your ground. It's a test to move the goal posts after you stated your boundary. They/she can put what ever ultimatum on it and manipulate others to join in (bil) but if you cave in then every important event (to you) in the future will have a similar control issue... or an addition of something that will shift the focus off the intended subject.

Another way to look at it is that Mil is trying to tack on her own private party onto your party. Just using you, and like Attila said, it is a power play. The fact that it's a wedding and they are "family" are being used to manipulate you into agreeing so as to avoid the stabbing insult of family missing the wedding. Toe the line or you will pay. You do not need these people in your life.

They were not happy for you when you got your house. They couldn't do anything about that so they disconnected.

Also, as a general policy, do not be an ambassador to your dp/dh's family. They are from his side- let him deal with them.

Crazycatladyloz82 Wed 10-Aug-16 18:38:41

My DHs family refused to attend our wedding as I dared to get married abroad in my home country. No apologies were received it was just a no. They asked for photos afterwards. It's been 3 years and I keep "forgetting" to sort that. I have never forgiven them for doing that to their son and this (combined with other things) means I have a very strained relationship with them.

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