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Not in love...

11 replies

StirredNotShaken · 10/08/2016 00:07

That's it really. Is it enough? I mean we get along great, he adores me, is respectful, loving, understanding and totally supportive (as am I with him) We have fun, we give each other tonnes of space, we have lots of laughs etc. Neither of us are prepared to take the relationship further ( we both have our own lives) , I have children, he doesn't, he has a business and other interests, I have my social circle and interests too. It will never progress but can this work? I mean I am restless yet shit scared of more. This suits us both yet it somehow lacks something for me. I am confused and daunted by the thought of changing things. Not sure what I am saying tbh. Anyone else in this situation....?

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IHopeThatIDontFallInLove · 10/08/2016 00:14

Er, well if it's lacking in something for you, neither of you want to take it further, and you don't love him what on earth is it that you're proposing?!

That you just stick with him/together so that you're not on your own at least?

That's ridiculous.

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StirredNotShaken · 10/08/2016 00:28

Not afraid of being in my own. My dh dropped down dead 6 yrs ago and left me with a 3 and 12 year old. I'm not in the slightest bit scared of being alone. It's what I do. But worried that this could be something great but I'm not 'getting it'. I've never been this cherished. Never been treated this well. But it's all because we see each other rarely. Is that ok?!?! Or is it a massive 'get out'? It feels right yet wrong!

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ThePianoHasBeenDrinking · 10/08/2016 00:46

But if you're not in love with him...

What's the point?

I've been in a long, loveless and sexless marriage. In fact, for a number of reasons, I've never been loved. I've also never been cherished.

One of the main criteria I have is that I love/am in love with any man I do ever get together with, and that he loves/is in love with me and cherishes me and desires me. I want to feel that love in both directions.

If I'm honest, I feel more likely to win the lottery and I don't every play the lottery!

But I wouldn't settle for someone, just in case, with is what it sounds like you're describing. He could be great, but if you just don't have love...

Sorry to hear about your husband

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ThePianoHasBeenDrinking · 10/08/2016 00:47

I'm now single and have been for the best part of 4 years since my exh and I split up.

I can't really see it ever changing, if I'm honest.

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TheNaze73 · 10/08/2016 07:33

What exactly do you want? Surely the vibes you are giving him, may be holding him back?

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kate33 · 10/08/2016 07:51

Hi Stirred, you don't say how long you have been seeing this guy. It sounds great and as you unfortunately know things can change in a heartbeat. I think what I am trying to say is as long as you are both happy why not give it another 3 months or so and see if anything changes (if you want things to change, that is). It may be that after your loss you have barriers up that you don't even know about! Either way, enjoy yourself op, it sounds perfect to me, a man who adores and cherishes you (beautiful words) and still gives you space to do your own thing. And yet......something is bothering you. I hope you figure things out, you deserve happiness
The piano has been drinking, firstly that is hands down the best username ever, my ds1used to be obsessed with that song ! Also for getting out of a 'love less, sexless marriage ' from someone who still is.

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Fairylea · 10/08/2016 07:57

Work out what you'd want first - a live in partner, to get married again, just to see someone on a more regular basis? - and if he can't give any of those things then he is never going to make you happy.

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Tarttlet · 10/08/2016 09:07

I know this sounds a really stupid question, but what makes you think you're not in love with him? It might help to unpack your feelings a bit more, which are probably going to be complicated by your DH's death

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hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2016 09:41

If you are enjoying it all then why read too much into it?
Why not just enjoy it while it lasts?
It doesn't have to be the greatest romance of all times with all lovey dovey crap.
Enjoy it for what it is.
Just keep your eyes peeled for 'the one'.

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category12 · 10/08/2016 09:48

What would you change? I'm sorta in the same situation in that I am seeing someone who I can't imagine living with, but we have lots of fun and makes me happy. But I am in no way ready or willing to live with someone again, maybe never, iť just kinda horrifies me. But then I am only a year out of my marriage.

Do you feel excited and happy about seeing him?

Does there really have to be a relationship escalation?

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StirredNotShaken · 10/08/2016 17:10

i do enjoy seeing him - but we live so far apart and for me it is logistical nightmare getting child care sorted, pets etc and then taking the 3 trains over 2 and a half hours journey. I cannot imagine ever living with a man again. Not after all I have been through prior to this. Don't know what I want really.