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New relationship, I'm finding it odd to have dc involved! Feels like it's slowing the excitement!(18 Posts)
So I have been seeing someone for around 6 months, he is lovey! Very considerate and thoughtful and is genuinely interested in me and my life and my dc. I have know him for a long time but at a distance until we got involved.
We started seeing each other and got on so well, I love taking to him. Normally I get bored of people so easily but that hasn't happened this time.
He is great with my dd she loves him and we have spent a lot of time together the three of us and it is fun!
But and this is the big but, before this boyfriend I have been single for ages! I was involved with someone who didn't want a relationship and dated lots of other guys but didn't trust any of them or like them as a friend. So none of them met my dd.
Now when we all spend time together as much as it is fun and I feel comfortable I think I also feel frustrated because I can't have sex with him when I want or touch him or anything as my dd is there. All the other guys I saw was mostly about sex and I could just keep them outside of my life and that was fine.
Even though I like the three of us being together I feel abit like it's maybe taking the excitement out of it for me, we have spent a lot of time together recently and I think I feel less turned on and more comfortable. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think I am rambling now. What I am getting at is does it change things having dc around? Will it make things less exciting and sexy?
So what do I do about that?
It's making me think maybe I'm not as into him as I thought And I'm picking out issues with him that I didn't mind before as I was just happy that I had someone so lovely and upfront and I felt very very loved up!
I don't want to stop feeling like that
I don't really understand your issue.
Having a child around means you can't have sex. So... You obviously had time for dating before, just carry on dating and having sex with your boyfriend. You don't have to suddenly make all your time "family time".
I'm not seeing the problem here. I mean you can't expect to be having sex and jumping him in the presence of your DD. This is the same for couples who live together and have kids.
You have sex when your child is out or in bed or occupied with the TV/game - depending on how old the child is to be left alone downstairs alone.
Snap! I completely hear where you are coming from! Simelar situation except I have 3dc's and he has 1, so trying to get time alone is really difficult and we have long periods of only managing to spend time together with either his do or mine or both, but on the odd occasion we don't have any dc's and are alone the comfortable feeling goes and sexy feelings return. Perhaps try and spend time alone and see if the excitement returns, does for me, so maybe having dc around is just a bit of a passion killer in general rather than it being a big but in your relationship?
If you were really into him, needing to restrain yourself in front of your daughter would be an aphrodisiac not a passion killer, so maybe this isn't a goer. The "picking up issues" comment is also an indicator that the shine is beginning to wear off this relationship.
You don't have to settle, just because he's a good man and not a player.
However, you may have to accept that your sex life will never be the same as it was when you were childless and be a bit more realistic about how your life has changed now.
less turned on and more comfortable
Less opportunity for sex with kids around - sure. But feeling less turned on? I've really never experienced that because of kids.
Why do you feel you can't touch him in front of your daughter? Do you not want to, or do you think you could try being as touchy feely as you are normally?
I've also been with my boyfriend for 6 months. He didn't stay over night in my bed when the kids were in the house until very, very recently - basically not until I'd told my kids that this was a long term, serious thing. But we hugged and held hands and subtly flirted in front of the kids. It's pretty much impossible not to when you love and lust after someone who feels the same, no?
I agree about still touching!
My child keeps saying "urrrrggghhhh! GERMS!" as we're always snogging
I see your problem OP. It won't get easier as the relationship progresses. Can you ever get a sitter overnight at the weekend?
I always find I am stopping myself from touching him or holding hands as I only have one dc and I don't want her to feel left out. She has never seen me with a bf before and I broke up with her dad when she was very young so she wouldn't even remember me being around him.
Also it is a long distance relationship so when I do see him I am dying to have lots of action and even just holding hands etc. usually we would have some time completely alone but this time we didn't.
I suppose what I am really thinking is if things progress and we live together at some point will things become really comfortable where we all get on but less exciting and sexy. I know this does happen in a lot of relationships but I just loved how passionate things were and it made me feel all light and airy and extremely happy.
I defiantly think having a babysitter for some alone time is essential!
I always find I am stopping myself from touching him or holding hands as I only have one dc and I don't want her to feel left out.
Alternatively she could learn to share your attention and see modelled a healthy relationship, that you don't make any one person the centre of everything?
^^ what maple said above. With bells on. Holding hands and showing affection to another person does not have to mean leaving DD out.
I totally get where you're coming from OP and I recognise something in you that I know is a fact about myself and its comittment phobia, unfortunately. Which is fine at this stage you just want the sex and excitement but the fact you are not in the moment and already projecting the pitfalls of normality of living together in the future etc - classic.
It's so easy to overthink the impact of a new relationship on our children. I did loads of that. Mine are bereaved and I thought they'd feel like I was trying to replace my late DH.
Actually, they just like it that I'm happier and that there's another adult around to have fun with.
We did get asked recently whether me sitting in his lap at lunch was good table manners. . His response was 'What? You lot do actually know what table manners are, despite all evidence to the contrary?!' Which they thought was hilarious.
Honestly - seeing affection is good for children.
If you move in together - less exciting and sexy? Maybe in some ways. But in others it makes every day better. I still had butterflies when DH walked in the front door after 15 years of marriage.
But, listen, it's early days for you. It's eminently possible to like someone's company, recognise they're a good person, fancy them and enjoy the sex, but ultimately there not being that ultimate, mutual thing that I describe as like a meeting of minds. I'd say try not to stress about the future of the relationship. Enjoy it for what it is and wait to see how your feelings develop.
I agree I am abit of a commitment phobic, but in a weird way at the same time I miss him and want him around! As I said it's a long distance relationship and all along I have felt in love like a silly teenager And I have really liked feeling this way!
Just very very recently I have stopped feeling like that and I feel like as well as having dd around makes me feel like it's less exciting but still very nice being around each other, I also feel like I am getting fed up of not being able to see him when I want to due to the distance! As I'm writing this I can see I'm not making sense and sound very confused
Somerville - I like your partners response I think I am very much over thinking things at the moment! Sometimes it's hard not to!
I'm with you on the overthinking. So hard not to.
He had a point re the table manners - My 9 yr old was eating spaghetti with her fingers 😂
And it distracted them from the lap sitting so I didn't have to move
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