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What does she do?

(10 Posts)
Chala86 Tue 09-Aug-16 16:28:50

I'm putting this on here on behalf of my sister., we'll call her L. L has been friends with a woman who we'll call A for many years. A is notoriously difficult. Everything has to be how A wants it to be and if it isn't, you are considered to be 'a bad friend'.
The most recent example was when we were out at the pub for a friend's leaving drinks. A came along. L was coming back to ours to stay. When we were ready to leave, A wanted L to stay at the pub for more drinks and to stay at A's house. L didn't want to. A then got threw a hissy fit and stopped talking to L unless it was to send passive aggressive texts about how L has disappointed her. This most recent occasion was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. L usually gives in just to save the aggro that saying no to A causes.
So, after over ten years of this, L has finally had enough and wants out. A wants L to sit down and talk to give her closure. In most situations I would agree that explaining why you're ending a friendship may help to give both parties closure. But with A it's nigh on impossible. I say this from experience when I fell out with A after being unable to attend a birthday do as I had a new baby that I didn't want to leave with a complete stranger. A just can't sit and have a calm chat. Instead it's crying and shouting and name calling, and you can't get a word in edgeways.
So what does L do? I have suggested that L write to her. At least then the closure can be given without the huge drama. But L isn't sure. Any suggestions?

ElspethFlashman Tue 09-Aug-16 16:31:00

That sounds as if L has already told A she wants out?

And A wants to meet to thrash it out?

Is that right?

thestamp Tue 09-Aug-16 16:32:09

A needn't say or do anything though. No need for a chat or a letter. Just stop taking her calls, block texts and fb etc.

"Getting closure" is usually code for "create more drama in hopes I can manipulate the other person into doing what I say". I include myself in that BTW. Whenever I catch myself "wanting closure" I think back on the highly dramatic conversations I've had which were really me saying "but you're not allowed to feel that way/do that"

bluebeck Tue 09-Aug-16 16:40:06

L doesn't owe A a full discussion, she doesn't have to lay herself open to a whole load of abuse and tedious drama.

She should respond saying "No thanks."

Chala86 Tue 09-Aug-16 16:41:38

Yes L has said she wants out. L is in a bit of a predicament because A keeps turning up at her workplace and is saying she will do so again to organize a time to talk. It's like harassment.
thestamp - bang on the money!

bluebeck Tue 09-Aug-16 16:50:11

What sort of workplace is it? Her employer has a duty to take all reasonable steps to prevent her from being harassed in the workplace.

Failing that some sort of "cease and desist or I call the cops you nutter" letter.

Chala86 Tue 09-Aug-16 16:54:05

It's a shop. L is the manager and the employer is at another office which makes it a bit difficult.
I also suggested contacting the police. L will be reading this she'll see all of your comments.

bluebeck Tue 09-Aug-16 17:02:58

Ok, what would L normally do if a customer was making a nuisance of themselves? Presumably ask them to leave nicely, and then what?

It is awful when you work in a retail environment and need to avoid someone. I had all this with an ex boyfriend but I had a manager to protect me/back me up.

Really sorry but if A isn't going to take no for an answer, L is going to have to be really harsh and say I am not going to discuss this with you any further, you are harassing me and it has to stop now. flowers

I can't imagine why L doesn't want to be friends with her she sounds lovely grin

MiddleClassProblem Tue 09-Aug-16 17:04:20

I think if she does sit down with A it can only go 2 ways. A losing her shit or L giving in and forgiving her.

I think if she comes in again, L should just say to her straight and simply that it is done, this is her closure. If she needs to say why then do, if not walk away.

Another option is writing an email or long message explain everything and be clear that it's done and final. Wish her well, ask her not to contact.

She's not a true friend if her friendship comes with those sorts of conditions

Chala86 Tue 09-Aug-16 17:06:43

Doesn't she just grin. Makes me so glad I don't have this drama anymore.

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