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No affection in my marriage

(38 Posts)
shitstorm Tue 09-Aug-16 13:16:02

This may come across as very sad and pathetic but I am fed up of no affection in my marriage. I was almost on the weekend All because when we were out for dinner and he smiled at the waitress as she was taking our plates away and said "thank you that was lovely" 

This is from the man who cannot compliment me. Ever on anything I ever do. 

He never shows me any affection at all or any compliments in any form. I have spoken to him about it until I'm blue in the face and nothing ever changes. He normally tries to change the subject pretty fast then says stop going on I said I'd try and make a effort. Even after talking about it nothing will change. 

I blew up at him a couple of weeks ago as I've lost weight recently and was trying a new style of jeans lighter in colour than I ever worn before and was worried they looked a bit cheap so asked his opinion he glanced round for a second and said fine. I said can you look at them properly before I cut the tag off as I'm not sure on them. He said "oh stop fishing for compliments" so I said very angrily "that would be a fine day wouldn't it as you've not complimented me on my appearance in 13 FIng years and that breaks my heart" I stormed off in tears. 

I know he loves me but it makes me feel unloved and unwanted. 

We get on alright, not tonnes in common but he doesn't really talk to me. Never asks about me, you know how are you, how's your day ect. Yet when he's with other people his friends he's constantly asking them things and smiles and acts like he wants to be round them and I get nothing.

As I've said I've brought these things up before but got nothing. He's not a bad person he's just not the best around me I finally thought I'd got through to him as 2 weeks ago it was our wedding anniversary and I made him a picture DVD of our life's from day 1. Midway through watching it he was crying, sobbing his heart out I asked what was wrong and he kept saying I'm sorry he finally got it out that he's sorry he hasn't been a better husband to me. He never crys, seen him cry once and yet nothing's changed. I am so fed up and am just thinking why bother. 

I don't want to spend time with him anymore, when he comes in I find things to do to get away from him, it's not right. 
He's not a bad person he just can't seem to show any sort of affection to me in any form. He used to be very affectionate and I remind him of that but people can change apparently. 

Even during sex, no kissing well last occasion was approx 2012, doesn't kiss me anywhere doesn't even seem to look at me much anymore. 

it's getting me down to the point I've even been contemplating ending things. But ATM that is not possible my circumstances will change in January wise but ATM I'm doing a little craft self employed business from home and get max £250 a month from that and child benefit for 1 child. And with that I could afford to pay council tax and gas and electric and that's it. 

We had a long talk about 2 months ago where we were open and honest to each other and what we wanted from each other. Mine was a simple 
1, spend a bit more quality time each day to talk I suggested a coffee together. 2, more affection. He promised things would change. 

His items were. 1, the house was becoming a mess could I try and do more round the house. 2, my smoking was a issue he hated the smell to the point if i went in to his him on the lips he would turn his head so I got his cheek. 

I wanted to give up smoking for 6 months and took up vaping but was still having 3-4 a day. I've been smoke free for 4 weeks now and I've gone a long way to sorting out our house it's not perfect but it's decluttered and massively improved. 

He's not changed, I still go to kiss him and he turns away. 

He was quite talkative after work yesterday as he's been offered a new position at work if he wants it. 3 days a week instead of 5 bit longer working days. For him it's going to be great but I'm dreading it. I'm going to have him home for full days. 
At the moment there so under staffed he has been working weekends for a while now so this is going to be a huge change and it fills me with utter dread.

It's putting me in a permanent mood now he's always asking what's up and I just can't talk about it all again. I've tried being over nice and affectionate and nothing tried pulling away completely and nothing.

As I've got at-least until January before I can act on my issues where do I go from here? 

GotABitTricky Tue 09-Aug-16 20:34:00

Jings that is indeed a tricky situation.

Did i read right you last DTD in 2012?

He does not sound depressed or similar, so maybe just needs a kick up backside. Good you were out for a meal together, and maybe a weekly 'date night' would get him talking and interested.

A chat over a coffee a good idea. Hide the tv remote and bring in coffee and force the issue and have a regular chat. Hang in there and work on him.

HeddaGarbled Tue 09-Aug-16 22:18:22

I think you should get him to Relate or similar and if he refuses, start looking into your options for separating because this sounds utterly miserable.

I can see you've looked into finances if you split. He will have to pay child maintenance. Does that make a difference? Do you own your home or rent?

SandyY2K Wed 10-Aug-16 01:07:21

I think the last time they kissed during sex was 2012. Not that there's been no sex since then. Is that right OP?

If I was you I'd start investing time in enjoying myself and getting my social life better away from your DH. You've made yourself very clear. He knows how you feel. I'd honestly start getting good supportive friends and doing the things I enjoy minus him.

I'd carry on with the weightloss and do things for myself. This will make you stronger and more confident, so that when January comes you can reassess the situation and decide if you want to end things.

How many times can you say the same thing. Some people would plod along but you clearly aren't happy with that, so don't settle for less. BTW you did a great job with the video thing.

The one thing I would say I dislike is the smell of cigarettes on a man's breath. It put me off kissing.

newworldnow Wed 10-Aug-16 01:25:56

If he won't show any interest in you then do it for yourself! Start taking more care of you. Go out and see friends and enjoy being you.stop seeking affirmation from him because he knows what you want but isn't doing it.

Also why is he just going through the motions of being married? Hmmmm think about the possibility of OW in some shape or form. Strange that crying thing. Guilt I say.

newworldnow Wed 10-Aug-16 01:29:15

As you've probably always smoked why does he find it a problem now?glad you've given up for a bit OP.
Keep on doing good things for yourself.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 10-Aug-16 02:00:03

The crying thing brought up a red flag for me as well, something about that shouted guilt but not sure what about though.

SandyY2K Wed 10-Aug-16 06:35:24

Yes I agree with Guilty about the crying. He seems a aware he hasn't been a good husbands, yet he still isn't doing anything about it.

Perhaps his heart is with another woman.

HerdsOfWilderbeest Wed 10-Aug-16 06:43:26

Realistically, can you see him changing? I don't know him but from what you've said I doubt it.

A compliment is free. Kindness is free. A kiss is free. If you can't give your wife that, then you're not a husband. Do stuff for yourself and don't hang around making sure you do the things on his wish list when he can't even be bothered to look at you.

MephistoMarley Wed 10-Aug-16 06:47:44

You say you know he loves you but how? He doesn't behave like he loves you at all. What does love mean to you? Do you love him? If so, why?

shitstorm Wed 10-Aug-16 10:38:53

We do go for meals outs twice a month but it's sometimes akward as there's nothing to talk about. If we're out with others we have a lovely time just is too and it's ok.

I've started getting my confidence back and started making improvements to myself and I'm looking into gym classes.

I honestly don't think there is ow. No signs there anyway his phone goes on the side I know the password as he sometimes asks me to put songs on it for him. I never see him messaging and the messages are linked to his iPad so in theory I could see everything.

He says he's happy but to me it's like he's not in love with me. He's just happy to coast along.

I've always thought he was capable of change but at the moment I don't think he is. He's had multiple chances to and not one thing has come out of it.

I did do a advanced search on this topic yesterday and found lots of the same topic and one of the posters said detach yourself and observe how a stranger would. Mirror his own actions and if he doesn't touch, hug or kiss you don't do it back. So no physical affection from my side and just mirror him. I'm going to try that not that I think he will notice.
But it may open up a discussion but I think for me I won't come across as needy.

newworldnow Wed 10-Aug-16 13:10:11

Just detach don't try mirroring or anything. Would he bother doing that? No.
That way you'll become obsessed with him and that's not good.
Just be you and don't keep wanting reassurance from him.
Also why be dragged along to meals that aren't enjoyable and a waste of time and something else.
You are trying too hard.

ElspethFlashman Wed 10-Aug-16 14:54:19

Your marriage has been dead for years. You're not even friends. Get the hell out.

shitstorm Wed 10-Aug-16 20:16:15

New world you are right actually spot on I will take that advice thanks!

SandyY2K Wed 10-Aug-16 20:29:43


He wouldn't use his phone for contact with an OW knowing you have full access to it.
Why would he be that stupid.

There are burner phones and secret email accounts for affairs.

I'm not saying he's definitely having an A, the alternative then leaves you nothing. That's no OW and he's not bothered about complementing you or giving any affection.

I reiterate that you should focus on yourself. Ramp up your social life without him, join online support group, get a therapeutic hobby and don't concern yourself with him.

Fairylea Wed 10-Aug-16 20:37:30

My now ex and I sat and watched a soppy romantic film together about 6 months before he left and he burst into tears, which was quite out of character for him. He came out with some nonsense about how he was crying thinking that may be us someday - some very old couple where the wife died and husband was alone and he said he couldn't stand to be without me. Six months on he upped and left me within 2 weeks after telling me he had been having an affair with his ex girlfriend he'd found on Facebook. So don't trust tears about soppy stuff if the rest of the marriage is crap.

I think he has checked out emotionally. I'm sorry op.

shitstorm Fri 12-Aug-16 19:42:18

Just wanted to update you as you so kindly posted advice and support. 

Yesterday when he was at work I kept crying and my DD noticed and text her dad. So me and him spoke about it again. I was hoping to avoid that but it happened. He promised that it would all change. 

Backstory- Back a few years ago he had a warning from work for watching I want to say porn but more inappropriate videos on YouTube (bums/boobies wobbling that type of thing) he was so embarrassed he got caught (very small business, he was on work PC and didn't know he was being monitored) 

So he left the company and fortunately found a amazing job. This was ages back now and he promised all this shit would end. As far as I am aware this did end.

A few days ago I got a new phone so he had my old one. Seems I was still logged in on Google to my email address.

Today I've needed to go back into my history to check something important  that I can't remember where I found. On our home PC I found YouTube searches for simular stuff viewed earlier this morning. I've been in all day too. 

I messaged him and we had words was the short of it. Well he had excuses he hadn't looked at xy&z but agrees it's dodgy as its "his thing". And he promised it wasn't him. LIAR

Can't find the information I need, must of seen it on my phone so I searched through my remote web history on Google and guess who's been searching the same videos the exact same ones a hour prior to me finding it on our PC. 

he has failed to notice / forgot he is out of data so as he's at work his internet is running off the company's wifi. I cannot believe he has done this again.

I am adamant now I am done Unfortunately I can't do anything today as we are taking DD and DDS friend to a theme park tomorrow and it's been planned 6 months so come Sunday he is being kicked out, money or no money it's happening. 

HerdsOfWilderbeest Fri 12-Aug-16 20:55:50

You've had a hell of a time. You really have. Please look after yourself. flowers

SandyY2K Fri 12-Aug-16 20:57:53

OMG. He would risk his job because of inappropriate videos! That's extremely selfish and immature of him.

You've made the right decision.

shitstorm Fri 12-Aug-16 21:06:58

I'm really calm, I think for me it's now just a easy way out. But it's made my mind up for me.

Yes it looks that way. And this job is a fantastic opportunity for him he was very lucky to get it and it's the highest paid job by far (unskilled) that he will ever get.

It's a massive company so the chances of them finding out are pretty slim I would imagine.

Maybe he never stopped looking just got cleaver and started doing it at work.

HandyWoman Fri 12-Aug-16 21:21:14

Well done OP.

Your marriage has been dead for years, now you can look to a much brighter future. You deserve so much more than this.

flowers good luck OP.

Evergreen17 Fri 12-Aug-16 21:29:24

OP are you talking about my husband??????hmm
Because I am in a bit of a similar situation but we just got married. He has always been like this. If I think about it I get soooo stressed.
In all other stuff he is just great

Oh dear lord

shitstorm Fri 12-Aug-16 21:31:14

Yes I think your correct there.

I'm waiting patiently until Sunday for the pathetic excuse. Throughout the years we have had.

That was before we got married and I forgot about it. Why did you do it? Incase the sex went shit.

Someone else must of looked that up on my iPad.

And my all time favorite is, they reminded me of you.

I think the lying is worse.

Evergreen17 Fri 12-Aug-16 21:33:08

Let me clarify
I meant about the lack of compliments and kissing, not the other stuff, I posted too soon

shitstorm Fri 12-Aug-16 21:56:53

I feel for you evergreen. Mine wasn't like that at the beginning but it started just before we got married.

I know know that as on our honeymoon he took hold of my hand and I remember thinking ah that's nice it's been a while. He put my hand on his ass and farted on it for a laugh.

It's like he didn't have to try after that and il tell you the longer the years go on the worse it gets.

You speak about it and it goes in one ear and out the other. The ONLY time he will ever give me a hug is when he thinks I'm mad with him. As in he's fucked up.

I expect at some point I will get one tonight due to his "guilt" but I didn't get anything yesterday even after I told him my issues.

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