What to do...

[dopeydee]

Dear all,

I'm in need of some advice. I would usually turn to my mum for this but she is a bit under the weather and I don't want to burden her with my drama!

My husband and I have been married for nearly 2 years and we're dating for 3 before that. We have a DS2 & I have DSS5 & DSS15. We both work full time and I earn decent money though he earns more.

My problem is that he professes undying love for me but is quite a selfish person. There is a real inequality in housework, shopping, cooking, childcare & DIY - all fall to me. He does his days work and thinks that's it. Now he has taken up fishing with my encouragement and goes out every Sunday before we wake up and gets home around 6. He said he put his life on hold through his 20s for DSS15 and wants/needs some time to himself & his hobby. This leaves me caring for DSS5 until his mum picks him up on a Sunday morning (not really an issue but it's just expected of me) and alone with DS2 all day. We go out to the park and out with my family but I see other dads and my brother out with their kids and get envious that my husband doesn't do that. DSS15 is going to move in with us full time after summer hols adding more to my load.

Now husband announces that he would like to go on a weeks fishing hol to Ireland, he's wanted to do since he was a kid and his dad went.

We have had some counselling shortly after we were married, due to some trust issues he has from a previous relationship but he gave up because he felt like I was slagging him off for an hour (he hardly participated at all).

I want him to value me & my time and shock horror even want to spend time with me & our son!! But I don't know how to do it. Have I simply married the wrong man for that?? Or can I do something to change his perspective?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Have I simply married the wrong man for that??
In short - YES!!
This is not an equal relationship.
And he's having the life of riley.
Why on earth are you having his son on a Sunday morning?
He should leave later and drop off.
I'd get the hell out of this before his son moves in and you are left doing everything and wondering WTF happened to your life.
You really don't need this.
HE had 3 kids.
HE has to help bring them up.
It's not up to you.
Do you want this for the next 5-10-15-20 years????
I doubt it.

[category12]

Um, if he thinks spending time with his dc is "putting his life on hold", why the fuck did he have another with you?

Words are cheap - he shows you he just cares about himself and that you are his skivvy and childminder.

[dopeydee]

So what should I do? Leave him? It doesn't seem like a big enough issue for such serious and long lasting action!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well he won't do counselling so what other choice do you have?
Chain him to the kitchen sink?
Maybe have a very long sit down chat with him and tell him that it's not working for you.
He is leaving you to do all housework and child rearing and it's not what you signed up for.
So unless he steps up then you are out!
See how that goes.
His response will tell you all you need to know.

Make of list of everything you do.
Especially with his kids and all the housework.

My other half has 3 kids. I was actually left alone with 2 of them for half an hour on Sunday for the 1st time ever.
Slight emergency situation.
We've been together 3+ years and his kids are early teens so capable of looking after themselves and it's the first time it's happened.
My OH realises he only gets a certain amount of time with his DC and wants to make the most of it with them.
My OH wouldn't dream of expecting me to look after them and hand them over for pick up etc....

It would be a total deal breaker for me.
It's disrespectful. So he has no respect for YOU in this relationship. Just what you and do for HIM.
Fuck that!!!!

[suspiciousofgoldfish]

Er, I'm sure he would like to have his life back but he's got a two year old so tough shit, mate.

He is either a selfish arse or a total moron, neither is ideal but let's assume he's the latter....

You need to give him a list of all the jobs that need doing on a daily basis. You then show him (I find a power point presentation useful) exactly which jobs fall to you to do. (Pie chart recommended). You then show him that your slice of pie is just too big and is slowly driving you mad.

You can't sustain this way of living (doing all the DIY too?! Stop this immediately please). If you carry on, you're going to seethe in a pit of resentment until you snap and strangle divorce him.

And in the future, NEVER encourage a man into a hobby that is likely to take up an entire weekend.
Golf/fishing - No
100 m sprint/game of swing ball in the garden - yes

[dopeydee]

That sounds like a great start. I was thinking of suggesting that we "fend for ourselves" for a month. Split childcare with our DS, alternate nights to bed & bath him. Wash & cook for ourselves and I won't do anything for DSSs. See if that hits home.

[Somerville]

Try writing yourself a 'job description' for all the household and childcare and admin jobs you do. For each day of the week. Ask him to write one of his own, or do it with him, then compare the two together. If it is inequitable then share out both tasks and leisure time more fairly. Tell him that you want to see what it's working and he's pulling his weight before DSS1 moves in.

If he won't engage over this then there's nothing you can do but put up with it or leave him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

100 m sprint/game of swing ball in the garden - yes
Sorry but that made me LOL!!!

Your plan sounds like a good one OP.
Do that. And stick to it. And make sure you do it for a whole month.
That's washing, washing up, cooking, cleaning, ironing, putting stuff away, shopping, loading dishwaher, absolutely everything.
It might hit home but I'm not sure it will.
He will just be thinking 'oh it's a month, it'll all be back to normal in no time!!'
I don't think you will change him or his stinky attitude but it might be worth a try.