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Should I tell her?

(13 Posts)
Shoulditellher333 Tue 09-Aug-16 12:46:53

NC as this is could out me.

Split from abusive exH. Dec Abs should be through in next 2 weeks.
I have a lovely new DP.
Abusive and controlling ex still tries to control me...However I've had enough counselling to see through him now and I'm not letting him get to me.
The latest stunt is to start rumours that my DP is cheating on me with a colleague.
I don't believe a word of it.

Anyway, the colleague in question has approached my DP today and said she's heard the rumour, it is laughable, but she is quite concerned as ExH is seeing her SIL.

She has asked my DP what exh is like as this rumour is just one of a long line of things which has given her cause to question whether he is actually who he comes across as.

I've told DP if she'd like to speak to me I will happily answer any questions as I don't want this turning into a game of 'he-said-she-said'.

So my question is, how honest should I be with her?
Do I tell her I left him because of DV and leave it there?
Do I go I to detail about he manipulated, abused and controlled me for years?
Do I send her photographic evidence of my injuries, the link to his court case in the local media, the videos I took of him abusing me that I used as evidence for my divorce?

I don't want to seem like I'm doing this to spite him. That's not the reason at all. I just think her poor SIL should have all the facts before she allows this man into her life.

As is typical with abusers he comes across as the one that's been badly done to as he's the innocent party and manages to manipulate everyone to be on his side.

Any advice welcome. Sorry for the long post.

ThisUsernameIsAvailable Tue 09-Aug-16 12:58:18

I would tell and show whatever you are comfortable with.
She probably won't listen, it will be the, he's not the same person, you made him do it nonsense

But at least you will have tried and she will have a head start when he turns in that she knows it's not a one off

TimeIhadaNameChange Tue 09-Aug-16 13:06:50

What about your DP suggesting she Google him so that she finds the newspaper reports herself? That way you can't be accussed of passing on information and she sees what's in the public domain. You DP could be fairly subtle, and just mention that he often Googles new acquaintences.

Shoulditellher333 Tue 09-Aug-16 13:15:06

TimeIHad that's a really good idea. Thank you.

ThisUsername you're probably right that the SIL won't believe a word of it, and he probably already got there first with the 'anything I did to her was her own fault, she pushed my buttons' etc. But I'm thinking of the colleague is forewarned at least she can be armed to pick up the pieces when he inevitably shows his true colours. If she's already having doubts about him I think she's likely to believe me.

candybar007 Tue 09-Aug-16 15:16:19

I would say and show the work colleague everything as she is already concerned for her SIL, what she does with it is up to her.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove Tue 09-Aug-16 15:21:33

Well as she is already concerned about him, I think there is a good likelihood that she will believe you. Especially if you have photographic etc evidence.

It's not like you've sought her out. She has spoken to your partner to express concerns. And you're offering to help.

Shoulditellher333 Tue 09-Aug-16 15:36:37

Thanks everyone.

I have asked DP to pass my contact details on to her so I'm expecting a message or phone call when she finishes work this afternoon.

TheNaze73 Tue 09-Aug-16 15:53:05

Im normally all for openness & transparency however, this could potentially bite you on the arse. Do you have a second or non naming email account you could send the links to, almost semi anonymously?

Morasssassafras Tue 09-Aug-16 19:50:58

You could suggest that she use Clare's Law and then the police would contact her sister if they think that she should be aware of anything.

This link is to the met office advice but it applies all over England & Wales.

content.met.police.uk/Article/Domestic-Violence-Disclosure-Scheme---Clares-Law/1400022792812/1400022792812

user7755 Tue 09-Aug-16 19:55:56

I have to say that you sound like an amazing woman to have come through this and now be so measured in your response to this situation.

I have a lot of admiration for you.

Shoulditellher333 Wed 10-Aug-16 13:05:08

Thank you user7755.

I spoke to the colleague (we'll call her L) face to face last night while her DP and my DP were there.

The reason she wanted to know my side of events was that her and her DP have spent some time with him while he's been in SILs company and all 3 of them have felt that the situation was becoming more and more bizarre with each meeting.

L said that SIL (we will call her M) invited them all round for a drink on Saturday night. Ex turned up steaming drunk and proceeded to have a 3 hour long rant about how my DP is a paedophile because he 'works with children, and what kind of man would do that job if it wasn't because he was a weirdo.'

He told them all that I'm a complete nutcase, I am unhinged and a danger to myself and my children....etc etc. You get the gist.

During the conversation L, her DP and M repeatedly asked him to stop saying ridiculous things about my DP. They also said they didn't want to hear about me as they didn't think it was appropriate to be having a 3hr long conversation about his ex while he was sat with his new gf.

L and her DP got up to leave and he stopped them at the door to talk about me more.

I explained to L how he had behaved with me and the escalation of abuse. She agreed that the warning signs are already there, e.g. M told her he can be very charming and lovely, but within seconds he's 'flipped'. He also told them all he is having me and my DP 'watched 24 hrs a day'. (I'm going to call 101 to report this when my children are asleep later as I find this extremely disconcerting.)

I gave all the evidence to L. Her DP has said he will speak to M and let her know that her suspicions are correct. He said he will word it along the lines of 'its your life, but fwiw, I don't think that kind of man should be around my nieces.'

Im glad she was already having her suspicions and I'm glad I have hopefully helped her dodge a bullet.

I have also asked L if she can pass my contact details on to M in case she would like to speak in future.

cantshakeitoff Wed 10-Aug-16 16:10:24

How horrible that he claims to be watching you! I hope the police takes it seriously.

I also hope his new GF listens to her DB and leave the bastard.

user7755 Wed 10-Aug-16 17:33:26

brewcake

Well done

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