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Telling kids we are separating. Opinions please.

(21 Posts)
Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 09-Aug-16 09:59:43


Really struggling to know what's best. H & I splitting after 20 years marriage. My choice, no abuse or other person, just grown apart, no communication or intimacy & deeply unhappy for years.

Close family now been told but not our DC. DS 15 & DD 12.

Opinions on when?

School starts back next Weds here, DD starting high school so big change. I'm now on holiday until then.

Do we tell them tomorrow (today exam results day, can't reign on DS parade) giving a week before school with me around or let her settle in and then tell them? She had a few friend issues so starting high school a big deal.

Thank you x

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 09-Aug-16 16:17:51


peppatax Tue 09-Aug-16 16:19:46

I'd wait as long as you can given age/timing - are you moving out immediately? What has been agreed re sharing custody?

peppatax Tue 09-Aug-16 16:21:10

It's comparing apples and pears I know but I gave my then 4 year old an extra 3 weeks before I told her to avoid disrupting the start of reception and another week or so to get used to the idea before I moved out. She's adjusted well.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 09-Aug-16 16:25:15

Can't afford to have separate homes until next year. Nothing agreed yet. It's tricky at my kids ages. It's likely to be informal. Couple of dinners at his a week plus dog walks, if living near enough though they be welcome to pop in themselves. Probably a night at weekends or every other weekend. Happy for the kids to be involved in the decision at their ages.

HerdsOfWilderbeest Tue 09-Aug-16 16:26:54

Is it worth just carrying on as you have been until the other house is sorted?

peppatax Tue 09-Aug-16 16:27:06

Then there's no immediate rush - I understand, I've been there - but if no plans are arranged and they'll have to live for 4+ months under the same roof then the onus on you is to put up with it for a bit longer until at least exam results/half term of school is done for your DD. Sorry!

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 09-Aug-16 16:32:24

No I want honest opinions. It's just all the family know now, nieces included (as sis in law couldn't keep her mouth shut). There is a big family celebration in 6 weeks or so that I just can't under the circumstances attend so kids will ask why. I thought telling them now & giving them time to get used to it easier for them? We now sleep in separate rooms so kids have obviously noticed that.

elastamum Tue 09-Aug-16 16:34:57

My advice would be not to rush. Let them settle in to the new term. Tell them together and never ever bad mouth the other parent.

If you can, try to maintain two homes close together. It helps a lot. Let them have some control over their arrangements. Get more or everything, so they have clothes, toiletries, uniform at each house. Although it can be tough, try to show a united front over rules regarding, parties, nights out, homework etc, etc. We have keys to each others houses so we can pop over and pick things up or walk the dog if needed.

And when it gets difficult just remember that no child chooses to have parents who are divorcing sad

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 09-Aug-16 16:37:14

Tell them now. If everyone else knows, how long before they hear it from someone else? And that would be awful.

Believe me, at 15 and 12 - and with you sleeping in separate rooms - they will not be surprised.

You must tell them asap. There is absolutely nothing to be gained. We had agreed to wait until after Christmas then a friend of my exH said "Oh I'm sorry to hear exH is moving out..."

And when we did tell them they just said "It's not a surprise..." "We guessed." They will be OK.

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 09-Aug-16 16:37:38

Nothing to be gained by waiting...

Babymouse Tue 09-Aug-16 16:42:04

Tell them before someone else does, as pp have said they probably know something is up.

peppatax Tue 09-Aug-16 16:47:59

Well with the extra information you've given then I think you're in a position where you have to tell them!

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 09-Aug-16 16:49:23

Elastamum no we will never badmouth each other, neither of us are like that. Priority is to make this as ok for them as possible.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Aug-16 16:54:55

I found there was great relief when I said they could see their dad whenever they wanted, even if it was in the middle of the night. I think now you've told others, you have to tell them asap, though I know you don't want to interfere with exam results day.

I would be absolutely furious with your sister in law - I'm not sure why you told her before the children, but she's proven herself to be completely untrustworthy.

Clutteredmess Tue 09-Aug-16 16:57:41

I would tell them sooner rather than later - DD was an expert eavesdropper and had picked lots of things up and then made stuff up in her head to fill in the gaps - she was quite relieved when we told her and explained what our plans were for the future as what she had imagined was a lot worse.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 09-Aug-16 17:20:15

Long story as to why told sis in law, she was told to keep it quiet but we should have known better. She announced our wedding plans & baby news to everyone before we did. But it's done now.

I think the consensus is sooner, think that's my gut instinct too.

bibbitybobbityyhat Tue 09-Aug-16 17:38:56

I can't get my head around you telling your family before the children shock they are going to be furious about that when they find out so how about doing it today, right now?

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 09-Aug-16 17:59:36

I know, hands were forced in a way, wasn't whole family, 2 sets of parents, brother in law and sister in law. Stupidly assumed discretion.

In laws live 50 miles away and rarely see them so not likely to slip up.

Not telling them today, not possible.

Hotwaterbottle1 Wed 10-Aug-16 09:31:27

Going to tell them tonight. Feel so anxious :/

Clutteredmess Wed 10-Aug-16 09:40:07

flowers I hope it goes as well as it can.

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