wait or go

[svenwhen]

When do you know its time to leave a marriage?

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

Good question. I imagine the threshold is different for different people.

When all the stress of separating, having a smaller income, less help with children, and having to tell everyone your marriage is over is not as bad as the idea of staying with them one more second?

[Funko]

When ANYTHING is better than staying.
Seriously

At just turned 33 I asked myself if staying was better than being alone for the rest of my life. And the answer was a big fat no!

And that was after 12 years marriage and 18 years together. No abuse (physical, mental, financial), we'd (I'd) simply outgrown the relationship. But I was fucking miserable. Hardest thing I ever did and you know what, it really really is worth it!

[Blushingm]

Funko - do you mind me asking how you felt when you split? I'm in your position, we just grew apart - nothing in common etc but I'm swinging from euphoria to despair

[Funko]

Absolutely bloody awful ... For him! I felt like I was ripping his world in two abstract everyone would hate me. Also felt immense guilt for our son that I was tearing his family apart.

You know what, it was a flipping rollercoaster of emotions with him for months but it was the right thing to do. Just took him a while to deal with it. We get on absolutely fine now. We co parent (mostly) brilliantly and have a very amicable relationship. My son was and is absolutely fine with everything. Better to be around two happy parents separately than together and miserable. It's not easy but it is very very doable when you just bite the bullet and hold your resolve.

[Funko]

And that not abstract!!

[Blushingm]

Thanks - it's the emotions I'm struggling with. Afraid of change and being 100% responsible for everything! I think he'd have just plodded on tbh but I just couldn't!

Do you mind me asking how long before you started to feel you were on the up swing?

[svenwhen]

True Moo, that really is the best answer . When it can't be worse to leave.

[svenwhen]

Oh replied too soon!

[svenwhen]

Funko, when anything is better than staying you said . I don't know if im there yet. Some days yes but others no.

[Blushingm]

Sven I know it feels like a huuuuge step - I'm a couple of weeks on. I'm finding it hard but it's def the correct decision

[Funko]

It got to the point when everything he did, didn't do, said, didn't say, coughed or even breathed made me hate him. I hated myself for feeling like it! I genuinely dreamt that him dying would be fucking easier all round than ending it! How fucked up and nasty is that! I'm not at all nasty nor did I really want that but for probably 5 years my misery progressed that I couldn't see any other way out other than biting the bullet.

When it happened it wasn't even planned as such. It just flew out of me out of no where. I can't do this any more. That was it. I'd said it. And once I had there was no way I could minimise it or deny it any more.

You WILL waver. He will flit from hurt to begging to remorseful to hating you and vengeful to hurt again etc etc (probably... I don't know your situation). Chances are though if you are feeling that way, he is too but it's easier for him to pretend it isn't.... If you see what I mean. My exh wasn't happy either. He admits it now but was happy enough not to do anything about it.

[Funko]

blushingm I took control of everything pretty much (that's what I do), he went to his parents (grudgingly) I dealt with everything, sorting financials, sorting repairs, decorating, selling house etc. I did it all in part so I could get things moving and know it would get done but also to ensure I wasn't forcing any more heartache on him. He didn't appreciate any of it at all at the time, but for me ending the marriage, him having to leave his home (didn't want to make him but we both worked FT but due to his hours meant I dealt with the bulk of child arrangements etc every day.. Would have been ridiculous for me to move out), I kept most of the stress away from him and he had to deal with the relationship ending and nothing else. Took about 5 or 6 months to settle into 'civil' and then once he was dealing with things relationship got better.

I pulled a wall down and only dealt with practicality after the first couple of months as his emotional outbursts weren't helping. That helped me and him a lot. Civil, practical and simple exchanges... Nothing more.