Would just love to have someone who I love who loves me...

[Octopush114]

I'm fed up with being single.

My toxic unhealthy EA 16 year old relationship finally combusted 18 months ago. Thank goodness. More or less the DC and I are settled and happy. I have my lovely children, health, house, work etc...much more than many many people (including the OW who in all the fall out lost her job, her chance at a family and the scumbag). But I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to have a loving relationship.

I would so love to find someone to share my life and love with. My single male friends of the same age seem to be inundated with women throwing themselves at them. But me...? No. I'm out there, intelligent, independent, attractive, sporty- trying to OLD but 40yo+2kids+looking for a proper relationship attracts very little attention (or attention from weirdos circling like vultures watching my self esteem expire).

I'd like to actually met someone- become friends- admire them- have them like and admire me back and maybe fall in love. I know this is the age old question but why is it so hard??

[HerBigChance]

I don't know why it's so hard, but they are not unreasonable things to want. Not at all.

It sounds as though you're doing all the right things in terms of being out there, but maybe it's important to view any hobbies and activities as an end in themselves, and if anything comes from them, great. This is what I'm doing, rather than 'dating' in a specific sense. Hope that is coming across the right way to you.

I also try to cherish the good things (as you also do in your post). It sounds as though you are well rid of your ex.

[ImperialBlether]

Are you close to any of your single male friends?

I think men think they've died and gone to heaven when they become single - the sort of guy you wouldn't sit next to on a bus is inundated on dating sites. Unbelievable. Then the women come on here and complain about them!

[Cary2012]

I don't know. I'm older than you and single, and I don't want a relationship. Perhaps you need to just accept that this is a single phase for you, and try to widen your circle of friends and interests? Just accept invitations, be friendly, and look happy even if you don't feel it. People are attracted to happy people who are comfortable in their own skin. Just relax, I'm sure you will meet someone, and it will probably happen when you least expect it. This all sounds a bit of a cliche, sorry. But don't think of being single as a negative thing, enjoy it for what it is. I hated the thought of being single after twenty years of marriage, but I bloody love the freedom, being able to pick and choose what I do, and being open to new opportunities. If I met a nice guy I'd have to think long and hard about giving it all up.

[Octopush114]

Ah thanks HerBigChance and ImperialBlether! Both lovely replies :-) Made me laugh at myself and also feel slightly less pathetic for feeling like this...

I totally agree about the hobbies being for the hobbies sake- I really disagree with the idea of joining up to something just to find the eligible bachelors. Actually both my sports groups have been wonderfully supportive during the break-up- simply lovely groups of people (swimming and running) who've been there to distract me and run and swim with me when I needed them. As for the single male friends...my best SMF is a great example- great looking guy, super smart...and utterly distracted by all the young lovelies throwing themselves at him, even though he's been married twice and also has 2 children! He's lovely but wouldn't be for me, even if I was in the running which I am not because he has his pick while I just don't...

There was another SMF- who I really did like and that's what's smarting just now I think. We've spent quite a lot of time together surfing and having dinners. We're neighbours, he knows my kids really well, we've been hanging out having BBQs over the summer, playing on the beach. Until 3 weeks ago when he hooked up with a much younger Tinder date and I haven't seen him since. We weren't together but I thought well...just maybe...? But no, it looks the thought never crossed his mind.

So I thought I should have another shot at OLD = a few dates followed by ghosting, so obviously I wasn't their type either.

[Octopush114]

I guess the thing is too- that I was with ExP since I was 22. He was, more or less, never loving but I always thought it was just his way (let's not go into the long history that created this situation but of course it lies with a really dysfunctional childhood- early death of mother, weird step-parents etc). So- I feel like I've never had a shot at really being in a reciprocal loving relationship.
BUT I have my lovely kids AND myself...it's not bad really.

[Octopush114]

And Cary2012...it's what I try and believe too. Would I ever want to actually share my bed and house with a partner again!?! I'd have to really love them ;-)

[TheNaze73]

Nothing to add really accept you sound a proper catch & there will be a bloke out there, lucky enough to meet you at the right time. Good luck OP

[Anicechocolatecake]

I'm in a similar boat. It feels like I want something so similar and yet it's seemingly so impossible to find