Apologies if this is long. I'm not sure if there are any comments that can even help, but I'm hoping just writing it down might give me some perspective.
Six years ago, my brother married a woman he had met online 6 months previously and this started the collapse of our 'normal' family - 3 late 30s 'kids' (haha) and mid 60s parents.
It would take me too long to describe how manipulative and vicious she is, but my other brother (v senior police officer) and a friend who is a psychiatric nurse are convinced she has a personality disorder, probably narcissism. I was sceptical - too much tv so I thought they were psycho killers - but googled it and, hey presto, Wikopedia have nailed her.
From the beginning I disliked her but I remained polite for my brother's sake. We all did. He is quite vulnerable - very intelligent but he was the class geek and terribly bullied at school and in a later job. If he was happy, so were we.
She was rude to me and my dp and rude to my parents. Actually, she flipped between being rude and breaking down in front of us about the people who had failed her (the feud with the sister she had not spoken to for years, the exh who stole all her money...), her many illnesses (there is an infamous incident where she spoke for over an hour about an intimate feminine issue in front of my 70 year old father).
She tried to force an intense friendship on me - in her eyes we would be in SIL heaven - but snubbed me completely when I wouldn't play ball. There was never any middle ground and she told me about friendships that had gone the same way, but obviously they were at fault.
And the lies. The house she owned that her parents looked shocked about when my parents mentioned it (it was supposedly abroad and they were taking care of it).
What we now believe to be a fake miscarriage 4 months after they met. Three years after they married, I found out about an ex husband my brother hadn't been told about. I can't even write the explanation she gave for the secret husband - it's an accusation of a serious crime, but one my DCI brother thinks is bollocks. These are big lies, but it was constant.
Things came to a head 3.5 years ago when she pretty much put a line in the sand by refusing to come on a family holiday she had previously accepted, for the most stupid reasons and then refusing all communication. My dad has a terrible illness - think bastard child of Parkinson's and Motor Neurone - and doesn't have long to live, at least not of any quality, and this holiday was his last family holiday. Because of this we begged, bribed then threatened and used emotional blackmail to try and make them come but got nothing in response. What we didn't realise at the time is that she was on his FB, email, phone so any communication to him was intercepted by her.
So I haven't seen my brother for 3.5 years, my mum has seen him once because they wanted money to move house, my dad has seen them a few times for the same reason. My other brother saw them for a while and haven't fallen out, but have lost favour - they were flavour of the month but soon dropped when they refused to take 'their side'. We've basically lost him. People outside the family have also witnessed stuff and believe their relationship is toxic. He no longer sees any of his friends and she doesn't really have friends, just business acquaintances. His life seems very limited. One best friend commented that he doesn't believe FB is a 'secure' method of communication!
My dad is devastated. I can't imagine contemplating dying while estranged from the son you were close to until he was 37. My mum is devastated, she says for my dad, but she carried him for 9 months, breastfed him, raised him while my dad worked, loved him........ But she also hates him for what he has done. I mostly hate both him and his wife. But I miss the brother I was reasonably close to, the kindest of three siblings, who would give you his last pound and travel the breadth of the country to do you a favour. And I can't help but think of my 3yo ds. How would I feel if he did this to us? I don't think I would ever be able to forgive my brother if my dad dies without making up but I also don't think making up is possible now. It feels like a pain I would hold forever. Once he is gone there is no going back.
There seems to be no solution but, as PO brother pointed out 'what if he was our sister?' There is a new law that deals with non violent domestic violence 'coercion and control' and he believes this applies. But he needs to want to go. The one time he has seen my mum in 3 years ended up with the wife storming out, and my brother who was in tears, replying 'you don't know what she's like' when my mum told him he didn't need to follow. Two days later he sent an email accusing my parents if physically and verbally abusing his wife! My 6' dad weighs 55kg and my 72 year old mum is post hip replacement. She is twisted. She literally reinvents history.
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Relationships
My brother's toxic wife
Halle71 · 08/08/2016 17:33
*but maybe try to do a friendly hello "contact" in the way you used to do, say every 6-12 months, ideally bypassing his wife, though I suppose you can't always guarantee tjat 
This sounds dreadful. I don't think there will be a resolution in time for your father. But am I right that your father knows the extent of the situation, and as such at least he knows everyone is trying to get your brother back around?. You need to separate the relationship he has with your father (sad situation as he is gravely ill) and the other breakdown in relationships ie feeling sadness about"lost" relationship with your children. Children don't know any difference. He will just be the distant uncle they don't see, and they will accept that (even though it makes you sad, they don't need to know that). I agree about the DV emotional abuse angle but it seems unlikely from reading many threads on MN that pointing this out to your brother will actually lead to him getting help or getting out.
At this stage it is unfortunately about you and your dad/mum reaching a state of acceptance not a resolution. 
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