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Dads drinking at my wedding

(9 Posts)
chosenone Mon 08-Aug-16 17:25:18

Backstory. My dad is a heavy and sneaky drinker, he never used to drink every day and he has always been a 'happy drunk' but... since retirement he acts like he is permanently on holiday, my mum still works so he sneaks off to the pub in the day, gets a few drinks in to watch the cricket/footie/ olympics or anything else he can think of. DP finds him amusing and thinks him secretly necking a short at the bar before my mum sees is funny (he has always made a joke of his drinking). I think he is on a slippery slope... they came to visit the other day and he had a can of lager with him, he then kept sneaking into the kitchen and asking for a shot of brandy/vodka and any other spirits he could see in there! I told him off and sent him to sit with everyone else.
I am already worried about my upcoming wedding, i think it will be similar at my house before the ceremony, he will be wanting swig anything and everything. There will be a few bottles of fizz going around for the bridesmaids and me and thats it.
Once we get to the reception its up to him and my mum but i don't want to feel.on edge thanks to my own dads drinking habits. Shall i bite my tongue in this?

YoJesse Mon 08-Aug-16 17:47:24

I tried to impose a no drinking pre vows rule on everyone involved in our wedding as I knew a few people, including myself could not be trusted to self regulate and I wanted me and my partner to say our vows completely sober.

My Dad didn't manage and could be woken to say his father of the bride speech. Try it if you like but drinkers are going to find a way to drink if they want to.

Hope34 Mon 08-Aug-16 17:53:03

Hello

He is at the bottom of the slope already....its not funny, he is an alcoholic and you are right to worry and its not fair you will have to worry on your wedding day(been there- wedding day antics from parents were a nightmare and wished I eloped)
Anyway, solutions .....firstly go on the AA website and that shall confirm to you he is an alcoholic, and someone needs to speak to him. I have found from personal(DP) experience that it was his DM that did the trick.

You can't change it, you can't control it and you didn't cause it (i think I got that wrong but thats the gist) He has to stop and soon and by it being discussed he might see the light, however getting him in the right moment to stop is the tricky part.

Emotional blackmail won't work as his priority at the moment is when and where is next drink is coming from, and not anyone else. Alcoholics are selfish....

Congratulations on your wedding and I wish you both a lovely day flowers

chosenone Mon 08-Aug-16 18:11:45

Thanks.
Thanks hope. Yes i, unfortunately know about the three c's thanks to other addicts in my family. I can not being doing with another. I will try and keep the house as booze free as poss before the ceremony though

Hope34 Mon 08-Aug-16 19:43:33

I just thought of something else.

If the wedding is soon and nothing can be done ...can you nominate a family member to mind him and also to listen to his speech before the wedding??

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Aug-16 19:58:13

chosenone,

Your dad is an alcoholic of many years standing and you know the 3cs (you did not cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this) to be true.

Re your comment:-

"Yes i, unfortunately know about the three c's thanks to other addicts in my family. I can not being doing with another"

Sorry to write this but you already are. Alcoholism as well is truly a family disease, one that does not just affect the alcoholic. You're all affected by his alcoholism to varying degrees. Your mother for instance plays out the roles of codependent, enabler and provoker (she never forgets). She remains with her H for her own reasons.

Why does your DH to be find it funny that your dad has a serious drink problem?. What have you done already re taking him to task over this?. He's doing his own bit (as is your mother) to enable him isn't he?.

Unfortunately the only one who can address your dad's drinking problem is your dad himself and he shows no sign of doing that. He may never do so either, that is a real possibility here. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

Your wedding day will give him the ideal opportunity to drink; his primary relationship is with drink and his next thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

It may sound like a bridge too far now but I would seriously consider whether you want him there at all. Where are the consequences for his actions?. You run a real risk of him ruining your special day due to his own drunkenness.

You can only help yourself ultimately and talking to Al-anon would be a good start. Attending their meetings would also be good for you, at the very least you need to read your literature.

Brown76 Mon 08-Aug-16 20:07:29

That sounds really tricky. Apart from the long term issue because I don't have experience of that and just dealing specifically with the wedding I wouldn't ask your dad to make a speech and would enforce a no booze before vows if he's walking you down the aisle, and as suggested ask someone to keep an eye out and take him home if he gets too drunk. I hope you have a lovely day.

chosenone Mon 08-Aug-16 20:36:50

I get what you are saying. Especially atilla i do. The other addict is now clean and will be keeping watch/ babysitting. I'm not too concerned about his speech as my mum will monitor him until then. She ebables and is co dependent as she is completely beholden to smoking so they use their addictions against each other. It is very difficult to see, I don't actually see them that regularly due to this (they don't know this) . It is a sad situation but I refuse to be consumed by it as I have done previously.

I think the night before the wedding i will make it clear that I want them to be sensitive tegarding my feelings towards their addictions. No drinking for dad until after the ceremony and my mum not nipping out every 5 mins for a cig! I will then be called bossy and judgemental but I shan't let it bother me. I know how defensive and selfish addicts are.

Jezabella1 Tue 09-Aug-16 09:21:49

Oh I'm sorry, that's a really tough situation for you.
This is not meant to sound harsh but by trying to manage or control his drinking you are also enabling and taking responsibility for his addiction. You shouldn't have to do that. The only person who should feel embarrassed by whatever state he gets into is himself.
I speak as someone who's Dad slurred his way through his speech and made a tit of himself at my sisters wedding.
Congratulations for the big day and don't let anyone's selfish actions ruin it for you.

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