Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What would you do?(56 Posts)
I don’t know where to start really, I'm married with 2 kids, one of them is my husbands. I don't really have anyone to talk about, I have low confidence. I’m wondering if this is abuse or just me being silly. but here’s a few things that my husband does:
When he’s mad he will take my phone & iPad and hide it
I started work 6 months ago and I'm on a zero hour contract so hardly get any hours, when I do he says I'm abandoning them, to quit work cuz we don't need the money because he earns more, everytime he gets paid he shoves his wage slip at me and says look how much I earn, that's triple what you get a week. Saying my job is just like being at home babysitting ( I'm a care assistant) so it's not a proper job.
Whilst we’re out he’s saying things to me like your too slow, I’ll watch the kids shall I whilst I’m trying to look at things, just complaining at everything and anything possible, the side I walk on, where I walk, if I slip behind, if I go to fast etc. kicks off if I plan to go anywhere or if somebody asks us to go somewhere he kicks off saying we don’t do anything that he wants, nothing’s ever for him, (even kicked off for me planning for us all go cinema for my sons birthday), and nothing’s about him ever, won’t go on day trips with us because apparently the kids aren’t behaved. There’s a lot more things. But now things started with my son, he tells him to shut up his voice goes through him, shouts so loud at him for anything, slaps his legs, annoys my son loads and then when my son reacts to it he flips out on him for answering back, he won’t let my son play properly just tells him to tidy up, when my son plays with our daughter he tells him to leave her alone or when son tells our daughter to stop doing something he shouts at our son saying he’s not her parents and that we are. Constantly tells him to shut up, and calls him naughty all the time when he really isn’t. Calls him horrible names etc.When I try to tell him to leave my son alone I get shouted at, phones taken off me. When I say we’re not working out etc and I want us to not be together, he restrains me, takes my things, gets abusive I’m too scared to say anything again, I don’t want to get hurt. I just want to escape, he won’t leave and I don’t no where to go. He doesn’t see that he’s doing anything wrong at all, I have to pretend everything’s okay. Please can some one advise me? Thanks
I live In a council house with his name on it too, I don't no if I can afford to move to a private rent house, and no where else to go, not sure how to go about this?
Contact women's aid. They will help you make a plan to leave if you want to - it sounds like being away from him would improve your and your children's lives.
He's hitting your son and 'restraining' you.
He is HITTING your son.
Can't you get the police to remove him, get a restraining order and take over the sole tenancy of the council house?
He sounds a right charmer, hitting your son, abusing you. He takes your phone from you? Like he's punishing you, trying to get you back in line? Women's Aid as previously suggested. Or CAB are good at practical advice. You can't stay with this man love. Get advice and plan your escape.
I would definitely make plans to leave. The way he is treating you is disgusting. And now he is moving onto your son too. Get out now.
I just feel like I. Being silly and over thinking it all. But it's making me ill, I'm so down and can't bear to eat I constantly feel sick with anger and frustration. I'm confused, I don't no what to say to anyone, all my family thinks he such a golden boy, and he can't do anything wrong. he runs to them if I do anything wrong and they stick up for him. I just feel so alone with it all. Being away from him would improve us, it's just finally making that move once I know how to, I'm scared to fail and land with nothing. Thanks all for the advice, goin to look at womens aid now
That is definitely abuse.
I second the advice to go to women's aid. Or even go to the police and ask to be housed by a refuge.
You may think this sounds dramatic but it's not. HONESTLY.
When you're in the frame you can't see the picture clearly. You tolerate more and more and more and more bullshit and start to question it!!
He's assaulted your son. If you don't leave you are allowing this man to commit crimes against your own child.
Please contact Womens Aid. You have to leave immediately. He could end up killing your son.
You're not over thinking it. That's what I mean. When you're in the middle of this, (and I know, can you tell?) you start to feel that any reaction at all other than complete obedience is ''dramatic''.
It's not. You're walking on egg shells. You're unhappy. He takes your property like you're a bold child, and he hits your son.
When you held your baby in the hospital when he was a new born, did you ever think you'd normalise or excuse a situation where an adult is hitting him?
you won't be ''making a scene'' or ''being dramatic'' or ''stealing the place of a woman who's being beaten black and blue''. NONE OF THAT. The agencies that exist to help women mean YOU. They mean you.
You aren't being silly, you're feeling ill and depressed because you are living with an abuser, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
He is hitting your son. That is your single, sole priority right now. You can sort out everything else you need to - money, therapy, your health and your relationships with your family, once you are out of his life and your children are safe. There's nothing to think about right now - just a clear and simple action to take, and Women's Aid will help you with this.
I grew up in a house like this and I've never really forgiven my mother for putting us through it. You can act now and make all this go away.
ps, making the move is very difficult.
For me, it was like taking the DEEPEST breath I'd ever taken in my entire life and swimming underwater to get to safe land.
But it's worth it.
Do a little bit of planning. Talk it through with us. Does he go to work? When is he next at work?
change the pin on your phone will you?
I am glad you have decided to go to Womens aid and I wish you all the best for you and the children.
I am glad you have a job and that will be important to have independence . BTW being a care assistant is a very tough and noble job.
Caring for other people can be a symptom of needing to care for yourself, so CARE FOR YOURSELF now.
I agree, hold on to your job if you can. But don't forget to turn that caring nature around and be careful with yourself, your own life, care for your own needs. xx
It's like he taps my sons legs, tap his head, throws little toys at him, and he does cry at it it makes me sick, but he's like it was only soft, he's just a wuss, and my husbands dad did worse when he was little etc.
But with our daughter, he's completely different, it's like she can't do anything wrong, etc.
He goes work everyday except weekends
I also feel guilty because he's got no friends or doesn't talk much to his family. His mum passed away years ago and his dad doesn't speak much to him.
You didn't say tapping - you said slapping. He restrains you.
If you don't want to leave because you're more comfortable where you are, fair enough. Admit that to yourself. Admit that your comfort is more important than the safety of your children. You seem lovely and exhausted and I don't believe for one minute that is true.
If you are scared to leave, then take small steps towards it with help here and from Women's Aid. You can do it if you want to.
You don't have anything to feel guilty about. Anyone can leave a relationship at any time, just because they want to. You have extremely good reason to leave and a responsibility to protect yourself and your children from harm.
he's got no friends or doesn't talk much to his family ... his dad doesn't speak much to him
No prizes for guessing why - he is a horrible man. I do hope you have talked to Women's Aid.
He throws toys at him??? What an absolutely horrible man. Jesus Christ.
Please, call WA if you haven't already. If you don't get through the first time, keep trying. Stress that he has moved on to your son, that is awful and makes it urgent that you get out quite quickly as the effect it will have on him could be seriously bad - don't worry too much as if you get out now and ensure that he has help then he'll recover, but don't leave it too long.
As your dh is already violent, albeit is 'small' ways, then you do need to be careful how you manage an escape. Try to act and react as normally as you can until you get away. Always be prepared to call the police, always.
Another call you could usefully make would be to 101, ask for the DV Unit and talk to them. Don't worry, they won't just rock up to your door, but they will tag your address and phone number for rapid response if you have to call 999.
Your situation is dire, and you have my deepest sympathy. You do not deserve this, you deserve someone who cherishes you and keeps you safe, who encourages your adventurous side and supports you when you need it. You do not need a crappy piece of scum who makes himself feel like a big man by dumping you and son in the dirt and kicking you when you're down.
Make your plans. Be careful.
Don't feel bad for him.
He has the choice to behave well to you and to your child, or to behave badly. He is choosing to behave badly. That's on him.
Your life is not a sacrifice to the convenience of a man who is choosing to be an arsehole.
These are things I only saw clearly AFTER I left a man who was a controlling bully. He'd nobody close either, funnily enough. He had trained me to feel sorry for him over the years. And it worked. I had been trained to feel his emotions, to have a heightened awareness of his needs... my own were sublimated totally.
If he's at work tomorrow, take a ruck sack full of underwear and toiletries and passports. Walk out the door and go to your police station and tell them you need to go to a refuge.
They will help you sort it out. Help is out there, but you have to ask for it. If you ask for it, you will be considered a worthy recipient. HOnestly.
Yes, tell WA that he is aggressive towards your son as well.
take a ruck sack full of underwear and toiletries and passports. Walk out the door and go to your police station and tell them you need to go to a refuge
This ^ . At the earliest possibility. You and your son are being abused.
You need to leave this bully arsehole. He is physically & Mentally bullying your poor son . You need to protect your son , because the older your son get the worse the bulling will get . Please think of your child
I'm calling you DH an arsehole not you . You have my full sympathy x
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.