Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

WWY Think to this?

(23 Posts)
Cantpourfromanemptycup Mon 08-Aug-16 16:28:17

Need some perspective. Have a very stressful life with two DCs, one of whom has ASD. Very challenging and a full-time job in itself. I also work from home.

H said we couldn't have a holiday this year as we couldn't afford it. He's good with the kids, but I bear the brunt. He is also away a lot with his job and we don't have any family nearby to help so frankly I feel exhausted and badly in need of a break.

H is very evasive about money. The deal is that I buy all the kids clothes and pay for extras like clubs, and buying stuff for the house out of my (small) salary. He pays the bills, but is really crap at managing money. I cannot take over as he won't let me. Salary goes into his account etc. Since I gave up my job to look after our children, he seems to resent me and think that I am freeloading and not paying my fair share (when I earned a full salary I used to contribute half towards all bills).

A few years ago, he ran up the credit cards, as he was putting day to day expenses on it, largely due to not budgeting properly. I agreed that he could use some of our joint savings to clear it, on the understanding he didn't run it up again. I've just had a look and sure enough the CC is being run up again. I'm fuming. In addition, he moved some of our savings to another account and will not tell me how much money we have and I now have no access to the money (if there is any left)

I have asked him repeatedly to tell me what we have left and how the rest has been spent, as it is a four figure sum. I know some of it has been spent on genuine things, but he will not account for the rest. He is refusing to do so and accuses me of being demanding and controlling.

The final straw for me was a couple of weekends ago. He has been away with work several times over the past two months, which means I have been alone juggling house/work/kids for long periods, including four weekends. He was invited away the weekend after he got back to see some friends that he hadn't seen for a long time. We were invited too, but to try to keep costs down and also so he could see his friends properly I suggested he went on his own, as our child with ASD can be very demanding and it would be difficult to socialise and care for him IYSWIM?

He had a short flight there and was staying less than 12 miles from the airport. He hadn't told me ,many details, so I asked him how he was getting to his friends' house, thinking they may be collecting him/etc. He was really evasive and just said he was 'making his own way there.' As it is on mainline stations and there are cabs etc I assumed that this was what he meant.

I've since discovered as he left a receipt in his jeans that he hired a fucking car! I feel that he wasn't straight with me when I asked him outright and I am upset as it cost more than £150, which once again has been put on the credit cards.

Before anyone suggests it, I know he was where he says he was as the pictures came up on my FB feed, so I'm not doubting that. He cannot understand why I am upset. I feel he has been deceitful – there was no need for him not to tell me about the car hire, except he knew that I would question whether it was necessary as he has spent all summer telling me we have no money!!!

Since the kids were born, he has had them for one night. I rarely get a break and I feel that this is just a slap in the face as that money could have at least gone towards a cheap weekend break for us all! I should add that this isn't the first summer that he has said there is no money for a holiday but then spent the equivalent on something that was in my view a complete waste.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Aug-16 16:33:24

You are being made a mug of

Insist on seeing where all the money comes/goes to

Why haven't you done this ? He is treating you and the kids as second class citizens and you have no idea as to what extent.

I cannot fathom why you have sat back and allowed this to happen.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 08-Aug-16 16:34:53

he moved some of our savings to another account and will not tell me how much money we have and I now have no access to the money
This would be a deal-breaker for me.
What are you going to do about it?
You would have much more money and free time if you were to get him out of your life.
You would get help and maintenance and he would have the kids more often!
Win/win no?????

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Aug-16 16:45:22

What do you get out of this relationship now, what has and is keeping you within this?. This whole relationship sounds bloody awful actually as well as having abusive undertones with regards to money.

How can he be good at all with his children (as you initially describe him) if he has had them for one night. Its a further slap in the face to you.

Re this comment:-

"Salary goes into his account etc. Since I gave up my job to look after our children, he seems to resent me and think that I am freeloading and not paying my fair share (when I earned a full salary I used to contribute half towards all bills)".

Are you saying here that your salary is being paid into his account?. I think you are correct in your assertion re your second sentence, he thinks you're a freeloader when it is clear you are clearly not. You're trying to make ends meet.

I would state his behaviour re money is financially abusive, the power and control balance when it comes to this is firmly in his favour and you have little to no say. He does not want you to take over, this "he wont let me" comment is really demeaning to you and shows no respect for you as a person. He has no real concept of your salaries actually being seen as at all family money does he?. He seems to spend money on what he wants with no regard to you or the children; there is credit card debt and he is irresponsible with finances. Presumably his parents are similarly spendthrift as well.

He can go away (its a shame really that ultimately you felt it would be easier for him to go on his own) and leave you all and hire a car, bet you would not be allowed to ever do that.

Littlefish Mon 08-Aug-16 16:46:06

You simply cannot continue with this financial situation.

What happens if there are no savings left and he starts to default on credit card payments and the mortgage. You would simply not know until it was too late to do anything about it.

You need complete transparency in all the financial matters related to your family and home or you will never be able to trust him.

Why does he have control of all the money? I would suggest you discuss this with Women's aid as he sounds financially abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Aug-16 16:47:16

Unfortunately financial abuse is very hard to spot when you are in such a relationship, this really does creep up on people and is insidious in onset. He is completely abusing his power here in this relationship with the result that you and these children are being treated so poorly.

The only way forward for you is to leave him. He will not change and will never countenance any change that would benefit you more by giving you more power in this relationship.

Cantpourfromanemptycup Mon 08-Aug-16 17:37:29

Thanks for all your replies. To clarify, no my salary is definitely not paid into his account!!

If you knew us IRL you would be stunned as I am seen as the driven/outgoing one, whereas he is more passive aggressive

He has a way of presenting these things so that I feel I am being unreasonable. The savings were moved when an off-set mortgage finished, so he moved the money into his account quickly but has never moved it back and will not provide details.

I have given his ultimatums re accounting for the money but he just ignores me. I suspect that things are far worse than I know and he is burying his head in the sand as he knows I will go completely apeshit if I find out the savings are gone/wasted.

I am so tired becaus of day to day life that the idea of leaving feels like climbing a mountain but I know things can't go on like this as at the moment I am not living I'm just existing.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Aug-16 19:10:25

Yes, I imaine it is far worse than you know

Hence he refuses to share your own financial details with you

Bite the bullet, love. This man could ruin you. And your children.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 09-Aug-16 09:05:02

I have given his ultimatums re accounting for the money but he just ignores me
It's because you don't follow through.
There's no point giving ultimatums and not following through.
Ultimatum time. He has 1 week to give you all financial information or you will be leaving.
After 1 week - leave.
You know he won't have the information for you because you've not followed through before so why would you this time.
You need to show him you mean business.
Seriously, this is not good.

springydaffs Tue 09-Aug-16 10:37:56

This stuff creeps up on one AF. Shaming isn't going to help - there's enough shame in a situation like this without adding to it.

He is abusing you op. yy you can't imagine how anything like this could possibly happen right under your nose - and he doesn't mean to abuse you, surely? oh but he does. He may not be consciously aware he wants to keep you in your place (impoverished, in the dark, powerless) but that's precisely what he wants.

You have my sympathy. Gen up on financial abuse. Womens Aid org is the best resource.

sugarplumfairy28 Tue 09-Aug-16 14:49:50

Sorry but I just don't understand things like this. Whether you be married or not, if two people have said yes we will be a family, we will be one unit, then, to me at least, that goes for money too. Money is there to serve your family, to build your lives together, not so that one person has more, and has more of a life than the other, so that one can do things and the other can't.

If you have decided to raise children together, and decided that you will be a stay at home Mum, and you have both decided and agreed on the situation that has led to you earning less and him more, then you have done that together. What you have, is between you, like children, why is money so different.

I just don't understand how in a family situation (with or without children) there is this still divide in your income.

If it were me, I would say have a joint account and be open about money. If he doesn't like it, tell him you are going back to full time employment and he has to stay at home and look after the children. If he argues about it tell him they are just as much his children, and in this family unit you have just as much right to access funds and make financial decisions.

DH and I had separate bank accounts until we were married, however, I knew what he earned and he knew what I earned, if for some reason he didn't have enough money to go out or something, I would without question pay for him and vice versa. When we were married we got a joint bank account, both our wages went in it, and we shared what was in there. Now (mostly due to circumstances out of our control) I am a stay at home mum, there is absolutely no way on earth I would tolerate my DH giving me allowance, or telling me I wasn't equal in terms of money. We both, in different ways, work our arses off to raise our family.

bleedingnora Tue 09-Aug-16 15:01:10

Oh OP what a horrible situation.

You sound worn down and in need of support practically let alone the whole financial shit.

How he can take himself away, swan about with a hire car and see his mates but deny you and the kids a break this summer I don't get. That isn't the behaviour of a caring husband and father.

And the money- shit what a mess.
He may be bad with money or burying his head in the sand but you clearly aren't and as a partnership he should be open and ask for your help not ignore or belittle you by seeking to hide things further.

Op it can't carry on.

You know that.

And no you shouldn't leave why should you, but he should.

Tonight when kids in bed, calmly you tell him you have had enough. You have every right to know where your money is and he has a responsibility to share and be honest. You are bringing up HIS children- he is the one earning more purely because you afford him that privilege. How dare he cut you out of the financial affairs of the family.

He goes. Tonight. And he provides you with all the details of bank accounts and CC's within the week or you instruct a solicitor to find out for you.

Be calm. Don't scream or lose focus. Be strong. He needs to know you aren't going to be washed over this time and that his behaviour is nothing sort of abusive and abhorrent.

IF and only IF he accepts his behaviour is wrong and seeks to change this then you can work on seeing if you have a future together.
Good luck.

bluebeck Tue 09-Aug-16 15:24:00

You are being financially abused.

Time for an ultimatum really. You sound like a passenger in your marriage, time to take some control back. Good luck.

Cantpourfromanemptycup Tue 09-Aug-16 19:29:02

Sorry for silence. I have been trying to find out as much as I can - piecing together info from paperwork all night last night. he has run up thw credit card again. It was agreed he could pay off using savings several years ago but I warned him that there would be no more chances.

I confronted him last night about our missing savings. It turns out there is a second credit card I knew nothing about with a lot on it. There is not a single piece of paperwork in the house about that. I only found about as he unwittingly referred to it in a text today and that was the first I knew of it.

I feel completely broken and a complete mug. What a twat I've been. But please be kind - I know I have been and at the moment I really don't need anyone questioning what's happened and how I could be so stupid. Having a kid with a disability makes it so much harder to make the break and I am terrified of going it alone.

I have taken steps to ensure I have relevant info safe. I cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I think the only way to unravel this mess is to ask an accountant to work it out. I am convinced there must be a savings account I do not know about, too, as savings are nowhere to be found.

I can't see a way to move on from this. There has been so much more that has happened over the nearly 20 years we've been together. I've worked hard to forgive him those things to give my children stability. What a joke.

MephistoMarley Tue 09-Aug-16 19:32:22

He's the twat - not you. Are you going to stay with him?

Cantpourfromanemptycup Tue 09-Aug-16 19:36:25

No, I don't think so. He has given me the usual 'won't happen again' speech, but he used that excuse a few years ago. If I stay I am giving him permission to carry on treating me like shit and I'm done. I cannot trust a word that comes out of my mouth. He still will not accept that he lied about the hire car FFS!

Cantpourfromanemptycup Tue 09-Aug-16 19:36:50

*his mouth not my mouth!

SickInBedOnTwoChairs Tue 09-Aug-16 19:44:02

OP, you are right to get rid. He will never change.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Aug-16 20:09:47

He will ruin you and your child's future if you let him

Extricate yourself now. Before it gets worse.

madinche1sea Tue 09-Aug-16 20:12:43

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you think he is hiding something? People who stash / conceal money or who are evasive about it often are. I'm not saying he's having an affair or has some kind of addiction, but could you think of any reason he would be hiding money from you?

Maybe it's the shame - or he feels totally out of control for some reason?

I agree entirely with what sugarplum says above. I haven't worked since having DC either, but all the money DH is "ours" and it's never occurred to him that it could be any other way. Your DH has no right whatsoever to resent your role in bringing up his DC on a day to day basis. I find that attitude reprehensible to be honest. It's demeaning and controlling.

I think you should ask him outright what he is hiding and WHY.

You mentioned that you had put up with other behaviours from him too for the sake of your DC's stability. Could these behaviours have anything to do with his bizarre behaviour around your finances?

BolshierAryaStark Tue 09-Aug-16 20:54:59

You definitely need to get rid, you know this. Your life is hard enough without tolerating the bullshit he is generating.
You will be far better off without him, your children certainly will.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs Wed 10-Aug-16 07:17:08

When you are free of him you will come to realise the pleasure of being able to see the edges of your own world if you see what I mean? Living your life without being fully aware of exactly what is happening in your own life is deeply unsettling.

springydaffs Wed 10-Aug-16 10:49:14

I'm so sorry you're facing this. You are not a fool - there is no way anyone can predict this stuff. Plus you are up to your neck with your kids. I do feel for you flowers

Do contact Womens Aid who will give you excellent support and advice. Search for your local WA here

flowers flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now