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Should we have exactly the same stuff for the kids in each house?

(37 Posts)
GoldenOrb Mon 08-Aug-16 12:40:53

I'm sorry if this is a ridiculous question!

My husband and I are separating and I have just got the keys to our new house.

At our current house, the kids have got bunkbeds. I would like to get them the same for the new house (H is staying in the marital home and those bunkbeds will stay in that house), but do I buy identical beds, or ones that are pretty much the same but not quite? The not quite the same ones would be in total £250 cheaper, but I will buy exactly the same if it would be better to do that.

gobbynorthernbird Mon 08-Aug-16 13:41:18

Why would it be better? I cannot think of a single reason why you would want your new home to be identical the the old one. Maybe get the DC involved in choosing bedding that they love, if you can afford that.

AtSea1979 Mon 08-Aug-16 13:45:39

I'd avoid bunk beds if you have space for two. I'd also plan a fresh start with different stuff in it.

HeddaGarbled Mon 08-Aug-16 14:24:28

Brilliant idea to get the children involved in choosing.

GoldenOrb Mon 08-Aug-16 14:52:29

The kids don't yet know about us splitting up. They are away this week and I was hoping to use that time to get the new house ready for them. I don't disagree about them being involved in choosing, but do think it would be nice to have at least beds in there for them for when I show them round. I don't want to show them empty bedrooms, I don't think they are old enough to be able to visualise what it could be like. Agreed re soft furnishings, covers, curtains etc they can help choose

Finola1step Mon 08-Aug-16 14:55:40

Go for the cheaper bunk beds. Then each child can have a budget for new duvet covers, cushions, bean bags and other bits for their room.

Buggers Mon 08-Aug-16 15:05:34

How old are the dc? If they will be spending most of their time in the new house then make sure you bring some of their favourite things from the old house for them.

Lightbulbon Mon 08-Aug-16 15:10:08

Getting the exact same bed is weird.

Why are you the one moving out?

Which house will be the kids main home?

Let them be part of choosing new stuff- walking into a 'set up' room will be weird IMO.

Rainbowunicorn73 Mon 08-Aug-16 15:15:43

How old are the kids? Unless they're tiny and not really old enough to understand then I think that furnishing a whole new house and showing them around it when you get home is a terrible way of helping them through the split. They'll feel like stuff has been going on behind their backs for ages and that they're just expected to go along with it.
I'd explain the split then make a family project out of getting new things for the house.
"Look this is really hard but we're all going to stick together and make the best of it"
Sort of thing.
Identical bunk beds really won't make them feel better.

Rainbowunicorn73 Mon 08-Aug-16 15:15:48

How old are the kids? Unless they're tiny and not really old enough to understand then I think that furnishing a whole new house and showing them around it when you get home is a terrible way of helping them through the split. They'll feel like stuff has been going on behind their backs for ages and that they're just expected to go along with it.
I'd explain the split then make a family project out of getting new things for the house.
"Look this is really hard but we're all going to stick together and make the best of it"
Sort of thing.
Identical bunk beds really won't make them feel better.

GoldenOrb Mon 08-Aug-16 15:16:01

I am the one moving out because my husband is refusing to, I told him i wanted to split up 8 months ago and we are no further forward. If I wasn't making a move to go, we would still be in the sale position in a year's time.

The children will be spending most of their time with me in the new house.

Will let them choose their own toys from the old house.

Won't go for the same bunk beds then!

GoldenOrb Mon 08-Aug-16 15:16:24

*same not sale

Artandco Mon 08-Aug-16 15:19:05

If space I wouldn't get bunk beds. A normal bed each will last much longer as many once secondary age won't want them. A normal bed is also easier for you to lay in with them if they need settling over the next few months

SandyY2K Mon 08-Aug-16 15:37:26

Bunk beds a headache to change the linen on. If you have space go for standard singles.

It doesn't need to be a replica of the old place, but they should have a balance of clothes/toiletries etc in both places, so they don't have to pack a bag when going from house to house.

Lightbulbon Mon 08-Aug-16 23:07:52

Take their old stuff with you to your new house!

If your ex is refusing to move his selfishness shouldn't stop the kids from keeping the continuity of their own stuff.

If the 3 of you are moving house you take all of your stuff with you.

It is then up to your ex to provide for them in 'his' house.

I hope you have a good divorce lawyer!

GoldenOrb Tue 09-Aug-16 00:20:43

lightbulb do you really think I should take it all with me? I assumed that would make me look a bitch.

Atenco Tue 09-Aug-16 03:51:40

Oh OP, of course you are a bitch, assume it and enjoy it.

A man that makes you rent elsewhere for you and your children so that e doesn't have the inconvenience of moving out really can think what he likes in my book.

HandyWoman Tue 09-Aug-16 07:19:25

I'm with Atenco - if your dc are going to spend the majority of their time with you then they should have as much of their original stuff as possible in this house. Let him sort out stuff in what is now 'his' house.

If you do this it will help you detach from the selfish loser. What will be the biggest help will be engaging the services of a shit hot lawyer. You need that most of all by the sounds of it.

I hope the dc are ok and not too shocked at coming back from holiday to a different home.

I agree your dc will need lots of comforting and reassurance so 2 X singles will be easier for you to climb in with them. That's your priority re beds.

flowers

Good luck op.

category12 Tue 09-Aug-16 08:08:55

Don't wait and present them with a fait accompli already prepared house - my bil did that and it was a massive shock and his daughter never forgave him. Much better to have them aware and involved in the choosing in age appropriate ways.

GoldenOrb Tue 09-Aug-16 10:09:10

Re the beds, they each have their own set of bunk beds, so they aren't sharing. I would be buying them one set each. And I'm already used to climbing in for cuddles on both top and bottom bunks so that's not a problem! I'll have to talk to H about taking their beds from here. It would be the best (and easiest and cheapest) thing to do, but leaves me feeling horribly guilty that i would be emptying their rooms here. I guess i need to get over that seeing as he doesn't seem to feel the least bit guilty that we are having to rent and furnish another house.

Interesting to hear that I shouldn't get the house ready for them. I assumed that it would be easier for them if I got the house and their rooms ready, but will do things a bit differently now so thanks for that.

GoldenOrb Tue 09-Aug-16 21:02:26

category12 how old was your bil's dd?

BlueFolly Tue 09-Aug-16 22:46:08

I think that emptying their old house might be a wrench for them. Especially if your ex can then be all 'poor me, mummy's ransacked the house'. Can you trust him to get of his arise and replace the stuff? My ex wouldn't have, in order to make me look bad.

At first I was all keen to replicate stuff from my DDs old room, but quickly realised that it was more important to me than her.

category12 Wed 10-Aug-16 06:51:19

I would probably leave their beds as they will still have rooms at their dad's. Just involve them in the new place, and have them fully aware of what is going on.

Bil's daughter was about 10. She blames him entirely and has refused to see him for years. She's now 16 and they're still estranged.

Emeralda Wed 10-Aug-16 07:36:03

What age are the DCs? If they have 2 sets of bunks currently, is it possible for one set to go to the new house and one set to stay in the old house for now?

It sounds frustrating for you but have you spoken to a solicitor or at least posted in Legal Matters or the Divorce board here about leaving the marital home? I would be concerned that a temporary measure like renting elsewhere becomes a permanent, default option which has an impact on other things, like child contact or financial arrangements. Are you ruling out the possibility of moving back into the marital home in future?

A previous poster is right - you will be abitch whatever you do. Nothing you do will make him happy about this. So try to think about what's best for you and the DC, be reasonable, don't expect him to be reasonable, and get impartial, professional advice so you're aware what's really reasonable, rather than getting involved in debates with him about it.

Good luck - it sounds really hard. Have you and the DC got good support in RL?

darreldixonishot Wed 10-Aug-16 08:14:02

You don't need to talk to your husband about anything! Tell the children you are separating, book a removal van & take your own and the their stuff with you! Why are you engaging with him?
Is the family home on the market?

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